Title – Boy In A Bag
Tagline – ‘Bag yourself a winner’
Plot – Raymond Man is a boy who has lived in a sleeping bag since he was a child. Now, afraid to live in the real world, he refuses to get out and continues his existance inside. Everyone thinks it is to do with a phobia but secretly it is because of a huge boil on his back. With not many employers ready to offer a job and having left school with little experience Raymond, in his bag, sells boil in a bag food to passers-by on the high street. That is he does until he meets Kalindra Matte, a beautiful woman with a can-do attitude and a healthy smile. They become friends and Kalindra has to do whatever it takes to convince the boy in the bag with the boil on his back to leave his bag and stop selling boil in the bag.
Budget – Possibly in the region of five million clams.
Actors – I would love to see Gary Wilmott as the boy in a bag but as he’s pushing towards the outer limits of boyhood that might be difficult. Second choice would have to be Gary Oldman with Kerry Katona as the love interest.
June 15th, 2011
Ian
Very strangely I start the dream in a wheelchair. I appear to have found my way up onto the first floor of the Gate in Newcastle, which is a giant multi-complex of all the dreams of drinking, gambling and Frankie and Bennys you could hope for.
I am on my way to the cinema on the second floor when I find Ryan Kwanten, the guy from True Blood, hiding behind a plant. He seems a little scared at first but then comes out. I ask him if he wants to come see a film and he’s up for it. Our problem is that the lifts have gone missing and the access to the cinema is on some sort of rail system. This is the only way my wheels are going to get up there. So Ryan being the good sport pushes my wheelchair as high as it can go, and it’s a good effort however its an impossible task.
So we sack off the cinema and decide to go to Wilkinsons instead (?). We’re halfway through the store, which is in a different location in the dream to where it should be in real life, and the layout has changed, when we’re suddenly hiding behind a trolley. Neither of us knows why.
I’m pretty sure something else happened, probably involving the wheelchair. It’s like the dullest bro-mance film you’ve ever seen.
June 9th, 2011
Ian
Dear McVities,
My eyes haven’t been off the packet since I went to the shops. I have been lustfully staring at them with the intent to tear it apart and eat everything inside. Don’t think of me as a glutton, I’m not usually, but when I saw the Go Ahead Crispy Slices I couldn’t resist.
I like everything about them; they way they look on the packet, the scent of them as you bring them up to your nose, and then the rolling taste, the rolling taste of red cherry. I even like the massive pictures of cherries in the background on the front of the packet too. I assume that this is a close-up of cherries and not some massive cherries that you, McVities, have managed to grow. I know that British weather is a tad unpredictable but I’ve never known it to facilitate the growth of gigantic fruit. Do we even grow cherries in this country? I’ll have to find that out later once I’ve finished stuffing my face.
I went through a similar phase when I discovered the Yoghurt Breaks. I remember buying at least ten boxes of the strawberry flavour and piling them up top of the fridge in the kitchen. It was such a wonderful sight I didn’t want to disrupt it however I succumbed to temptation and went through them in less than a week.
I want to know how you do it. How does a multi-national (I assume?) company such as yourself manage to create something as satisfying yet low in all the bad stuff? Are you keeping things from us all? Are you lying to me, McVities? I don’t think you are… yet. I have no scientific equipment of my own to confirm either way. I want to believe you McVities, that every time I put a Crispy Slice into my mouth that I’m better than them people troughing on crisps and those massive massive bars of chocolate. Double Galaxy in your face, no thanks. If I’m being honest even if it did come out that Crispy Slices were weighing us down with all the calories I wouldn’t mind. They’re too good.
I thought you should know…
Many thanks
Ian McIver
June 8th, 2011
Ian
My memory is unreliable to say the least. I wish I was more like someone else, someone who can directly remember most of what happened over the previous weeks, years etc etc. I am the epitome of jel-env when people reel off not only the stuff they remember but also facts and information they have retained for future use. I try to do that and I can’t. I would like to put it down to laziness, because I have a go at myself whenever I can it’s good for the soul, however I believe it may be something else.
Yeah, I’m going to whip out the hereditary illness card. My mum is exactly the same where things float in and out of her head like goldfish in a bowl and when things do reach the surface of the water its because they’re dead rather than offering tiny nuggets of details and information to enthral and amaze. If I was a copy of Ripley’s Believe It Or Not I would fill several pages with the knowledge that for some reason my mind does retain, which usually covers children’s television programs, actors and actresses, plots and quotes from The Simpsons and Lego.
You will notice that I can use none of this information to obtain a job or a whopping get fat wadger of cash unless there is some sort of warped gameshow which caters towards these tastes. To make matters worse I seem to remember things that people have already forgotten because there was no point remembering them in the first place, so I look as if I’m lying to try and wind them up or like I’ve lost my mind completely.
I can’t win. Dial my number for handy information relating to Dr Snuggles, the films of Jeremy Piven and all the deleted Lego Indiana Jones sets from 2008 to 2009.
June 6th, 2011
Ian
Beany Van Roamy
Binky Le Bollock-chops
Cecil Henderson Fifteenth
Zanex Wilderspleen
Peter Panickford aka Bolom
Hex Many Mex Many Oompa St Trilby
Dullsy McExtension-Cable
Scrotum Ackerford
Silderplant Exhalium
Bum-Chin Bollock-Neck McGee (even though she tells a hearty tale)
June 3rd, 2011
Ian
It is the end.
I have been with someone for what seems like a lifetime and was littered with so many happy moments that it is hard to know how to feel right about now. On the one hand I am happy for them to leave this existence, to fly to another world and seek happiness wherever they may find it, however I too am crippled with despair and depression at the prospect of being alone. It’s the multitude of feelings that are best conveyed in poetry but we all don’t have time for that.
I have being associated with the shirt known as “Minty-Fresh” for at least three or four years which is practically my entire stint from the North East. It has been on heavy rotation each week serving my shirt needs for Monday and Wednesday; the shining light when compared with its darker brother (who still doesn’t have a name). I have sweated my fullest, have walked through countless streets and eaten a variety of awful, awful lunches when housed in Minty-Fresh. I have seen sunrises and sunsets, the skies cracked open like the devil’s trousers, the soft snow on my cheek.
That all has to end now.
Unfortunately because Minty-Fresh smells so badly, and because I didn’t get a chance to give him a once-over with the Febreeze, he is still hanging at home during his last week as a shirt. Nonetheless he will return stronger than ever before I tear him up into strips and use him as dusters.
Be strong, sir, be strong.
May 31st, 2011
Ian
Are you the kind of person who doesn’t like confrontation and does everything they can to avoid it? Do you think of people as annoying and then not tell them to their face when really you should be screaming it into their see holes? Do you want something to push you over the edge and into the realm of ‘ARGH’? Then I think we have the product for you.
Presenting Can Angst!
Can Angst contains ten years of pure anger gathered from frustrated artists, moody teenagers and other sullen demographics. If you want to shout at little Timmy for not putting his skateboard away then Can Angst can be there for you. Just slide open the top and sniff the wonders inside. The warm smells of rage will filter into your nostrils and turn you from Betty Blue into Batty Bastard. You will tear through your kitchen with all the subtleness of the Incredible Hulk looking for a crapper.
Top scientists recommend it.
Seriously.
Would we lie to you?
When everyone else has deserted you Can Angst will still be there with a sympathetic shoulder for your to rest your stressed and veiny head on. Bring on the first day of the rest of your life. Bring on… CAN ANGST!
May 25th, 2011
Ian
By Oily Buns aka Oliver Bunsford
I suppose it was only a matter of time before my knowledge and expertise in this field was required by the rest of the world. It is not the kind of thing you can keep to yourself, especially when you know it will help so many others. So yes, I’m throwing the gauntlet down and showing my shiny parts. I am giving up my valuable time to point you in the right direction. I’ve also lost quite a lot of business since “real” and “funny” comedians started appearing again, and those articles about the train sodomy didn’t help.
How many people have wives? Exactly. Tons. How many people know what to do with wives? Exactly. Tons. Some however don’t have the faintest idea of what to do once the veil is up. They get a frightened look on their face and soil themselves in the reception room. Luckily I’ve been practising polygomy for the best part of two decades; for no particular reason, I get a bit fussy sometimes, I like a bit of change. Being on the road so much you pick things up here and there, mainly there, and there as well.
You can break wives into five main groups: annoying, naggy, pointy, nymph and polar bear. I seem to favour the last two, no idea why. We will run through all of them at some point.
I only hope that with my help you can achieve the same level of bliss that I, my eleven wives, and twenty-seven children have.
May 24th, 2011
Ian
May 23rd, 2011
Ian
Reports are flooding in from the North-East of England of a man going around the area and offering his services for what are mostly services and jobs which are way too difficult.
The first report came from members of the public at the Theatre Royal in Newcastle upon Tyne, which is currently being modernised and updated. “I was stood taking pictures of Greys Monument when I noticed that there was a man climbing up the scaffolding at the side of the Theatre Royal,” said Keith Arborium, local photographer and all round nosey parker, “He eventually got to the top, strode over to the foreman and said, “Leave it to me, I’ve got this!” Quite what he thought he was able to do nobody could be sure. He picked up some pipes, struggled to know what to do with them, gently dropped them on the floor and raced off down the hill.”
It didn’t stop there.
“It was in the afternoon and we were quite busy for a Thursday when this guy just pushed his way in front of me, grabbed the scissors and said, “Leave it to me, I’ve got this,” wailed Mavis Davis, hairdresser to the stars, “He then proceeded to attempt to cut this poor woman’s hair only to cut most of the length, stared into the mirror at the disastrous results, smiled like a simpleton before running away down the hill.”
Police are baffled as to why this man would be putting himself into these situations when he clearly does not have the mad skills or expertise to carry them off. Concerns were raised as to the safety of the general public however since the initial reports arrived the man has disappeared. We would urge anyone though who knows the whereabouts of LITMIGT to come forward and expose this idiot for the moron he is.
May 19th, 2011
Ian
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