You know I haven’t really been here for a while. I think its twitter’s fault. Before twitter my random outpourings had nowhere to go but facebook, (and I’ve never really liked facebook. To me it was just the thing that filled the gap between myspace and what I now know to be twitter) so they ended up on here.
Dont get me wrong, I’m by no means a prolific twitterer, but when i think of odd little things, they’re seldom worth more that 140 characters anyway. I’m not the sort of person who writes blogs. I’ve just not got much to write. I live a fairly mundane (but very happy) life, nobody wants to read about that, and even less people want to read about what I did with a stubborn server this afternoon.
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this, but its the nearest thing to a blog post Ive written in a long time, so just… well… erm. Yeah.
You see.
July 5th, 2011
Kevil
Gravity. It’s a funny old thing. Having to explain the idea of gravity to a six year old is very hard work, that is until he decided he’d had enough and walked off, waving me away like a fly on his ice cream. Here’s me hanging from a swinging trying to explain why things have to go down with nobody to listen to, so I started singing a song about it which instantly upset the aforementioned six year old even more. Kids hate it when their parents sing.
I’ll slap some ukulele to it later when I’m not as sweaty and not listening to the Eels. So here, enjoy some music-free assorted lyrics:
Gravity means a lot to me
Gravity won’t set me free
Gravity has a lot to answer to
I can’t fly and that makes me blue
Gravity means the rocks and trees
Won’t fly away in the morning breeze
I can cough and I can wheeze
Gravity makes me very displeased
Gravity won’t listen to reason
Gravity isn’t affected by seasons
It can’t be bought, beaten or bribed
It’s hollow as fuck and has no insides
Gravity, gravity, gravity
Grab my neck and let go of me
Let me sink to the top of the sea
Let me swim to another galaxy
Of course there’s no air in space
So I’d more than likely asphyxiate
I’m doing it on my own time though
It’s my decision I hope you know
Gravity. Take a poke at me.
I’ll poke back, just wait and see.
Yeah, take that science. You’ve just had the full force of musical harmony dangled in your chops. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Jim!
July 3rd, 2011
Ian
According to the title of this post this is the Official Halfway Through The Year post.
So we must be halfway through 2011 otherwise this post wouldn’t make sense.
How about that?
July 1st, 2011
Ian
So far so good.
Five letters sent and four returned, with only Kraft left to reply to my sexual confrontation about Terry’s Chocolate Orange. I think it’s best to refer to it as a “sexual confrontation” rather than a letter because I did go a little over the top. Anyway, currently the league table is as follows:
- McVities
- Burton’s Foods
- Nestle
- Proctor & Gamble
- ?????
Technically the letter to P & G wasn’t garnering any proper interest so I do feel bad leaving them at the back end of the table however the fact that all four took the time to respond to my deluded ramblings is brilliant. I salute all the customer service advisors and departments who were forced to look at and read my filth. Can Kraft come forward and knock McVities off the top spot? Who will be the next company to be chosen? Will anyone reply telling me to stop wasting their time?
If only anyone other than me was reading this it might be a little bit thrilling!
June 30th, 2011
Ian
Dear Mr McIver
Thank you for your letter regarding Burton’s Jammie Dodgers, we are delighted to hear how much you enjoy this product.
We are always grateful for consumers taking the time and trouble to write and your comments have been forwarded to the appropriate department.
As a gesture of goodwill, we enclose complimentary vouchers (2 x £1.00) which you may like to use towards future purchases of Jammie Dodgers.
Yours sincerely
Burton’s Foods
June 29th, 2011
Ian
Dear Kraft Foods UK,
I have to start off with something you have probably heard many, many times before. So whilst it might not be entirely original I want to say THANK YOU. A big, big thank you. The biggest thank you that a lowly person can offer to such a wonderous place. Why? In my hands I hold a Terrys Chocolate Orange. It is without doubt one of my favourite foods. I can’t begin to tell you how amazing it tastes. When I put a piece in my mouth it sends me to places that other chocolate bars can only dream of. Terrys Chocolate Orange offers you a direct route to Fantasto-taste town. Every other chocolate you have to get a bus, then a train, then another bus and probably an airplane before you get where you want to be and even then it’s quieter, less interesting and you want to leave after five minutes. Fantasto-taste town is reserved exclusively for the Chocolate Orange. It’s a thing of beauty; a lip-smacking sphere of sugar lust.
Do you know which is my absolute favourite though? It has to be the Christmas-only popping candy Chocolate Orange. What an innovation! Popping candy is a severly underrated commodity and you hit the nail on the head there. My only problem is why only at Christmas? Do you think people would get bored with it if it were available every day of the year? Cos I wouldn’t. I’d put on five stone (possibly more?) eating those babies. I’d line my shelves with them. I’d build a shed out of them and sit in it and laugh like a tin of chuckles. The seagulls would certainly have a go at my chocolate structure and so would the kids who live down the street. I’d wake up one morning to find my roof was missing. It would just be an excuse to buy more.
So if you could can you bring out the popping candy Chocolate Orange at least twice a year, maybe Christmas and somewhere in Summer. My birthday? Ah, surely not. The 17th November is so far away. A closer date perhaps?
I’m off to Fantasto-taste town. Thanks for everything!
Ian McIver
June 23rd, 2011
Ian
I’m not one for showboating, that is no more than several monkeys that have been tied together and set on fire in the hope of getting the attention of anyone, anyone walking past. So that might be a yes. I want to step to one side of all the pressure, stress and little matters of today to look back at a couple of characters from my childhood who never seem to crop up these days. They appear to have been lost somewhere, possibly down the back of the sofa or in that dark alley you walk past but never peer into. Rather than a standard list I will name the parties and offer my comments:
Rupert Bear – clearly too queer for the 21st century, which is a shame because he solved a lot of crimes with the help of a badger, a mouse and an elephant. I’d wear a yellow scarf if I could get away with it. They should include him as a secret character in Gears of War 3; watch his popularity soar once he’s armed to the teeth.
The Raggy Dolls – am I squinting too much through the rose-tinted glasses or were they really that good? All I can remember is Sad Sack, a personal hero of mine. There is nothing more depressing and yet also uplifting as a gingerbread man-esque creature walking this earth; there’s no chance any kid is ever going to play with him but by Jove, it makes my life seem like a holiday.
Freakazoid! – I remember less of this other than what he looked like and most of the lyrics to the theme song. After checking wikipedia apparently there was a cat in it called Mr Chubbikins. That’s a double thumbs up right there. It was silly and sarcastic and it taught me what the word ‘unemployed’ meant.
One more…
Ollie The Ox – the main character of Ox Tales which seems to have been shown exclusively in Yorkshire as only myself and my counterpart Tina from ‘Uddersfield can remember it. Check your watch: are you less then ten years old? Is it the 1980’s? Is it the summer holidays? Then watch ITV in the morning and you should find Ox Tales. If however you are stuck in 2011 like me then I dunno try Youtube.
Gentlemen and ladies, I personally salute your efforts. You made me the work-shy, layabout loafer I am today.
June 22nd, 2011
Ian
… it’s more like a nook than a corner.
We like to encourage diversity here at Pouring Beans. Never one to turn our backs on creativity no matter how stupid it may appear on paper I have been working on a song or digital poem about a recent amusing story whereby an acquaintance of mine kept confusing things for milk. At the time I couldn’t see the potential yet several evenings later, whilst frothing my whiskers, it hit me like a lead skillet. I therefore present the early version of ‘It Could Be But It Isn’t Milk’.
It Could Be But It Isn’t Milk
Some kitchen roll, truth be told
It looks like milk but it isn’t milk
There’s a duvet where this morn I lay
It could be milk but it’s not milk
That fabric softener, that Debra Toffner
They should be milk yet they’re not milk
Cup of PVA in the DVLA
Isn’t milk, it’ll never be milk
And that chemical solution
Which solidified an intrusion
Of my fridge-time expedition of a curious coalition
It stands near my hands and wagers damn demands
For mountains of wondrous hundreds and thousands
It might well be made of milk, but it certainly isn’t milk
Fuck off yoghurt.
June 20th, 2011
Ian
I thought of this today and hated myself immediately:
Joke: What does Gok Wan say if someone is trying to buy him a drink but he’s already got one?
Answer: Gok Wan, thanks.
… don’t tell me how much you hate it ‘cos I already know.
June 20th, 2011
Ian
Dear Mr McIver
Thank you for contacting us and the complimentary remarks you made concerning our Go Ahead range of products.
We are always interested to hear our customers’ comments and appreciate you taking the time and trouble to contact us.
Please find enclosed a small token of our appreciation (£1.00 off biscuits, mint) and we hope you enjoy your next purchase of delicious McVitie’s biscuits.
So far McVities have been easily the nicest and most generous. They have set the bar pretty high; can anyone hope to achieve this level of greatness? We shall see.
June 19th, 2011
Ian
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