Good afternoon and welcome to the first in what we hope will be a long line of editions of Eating on a Budget.
This week we attempt to grasp the subtle nuances of an old favourite namely beans and sausages, grabbed from the shelves of Sainsburys and paid for with very little pence. Yes, this tin of salvation was purchased for less than 30p so what can you expect to find within?
For your money you do get a generous portion including six or seven sausages and plenty of beans. As with most tinned items there was more sauce than necessary. When the spoon went into my mouth there was a slight expectation of squalid tomatoes but it wasn’t as bad as it should have been. It was tomato-y, yes, it was exactly as it was described on the tin, more of less, but the after taste left a little to be desired. The price you paid immediately comes to mind once the food has left your mouth.
I could have tarted it up with some bread rolls but I faced the enemy alone and came off a little worse for wear. Whether it chooses to return on me only time will tell however it has stayed down for ten minutes and one can only assume this is a good thing.
Overall this little number could have been better yet set your expectations lower than usual and you might be surprised – 5 out of 10.
May 13th, 2011
Ian
Winking through the Northern grit,
A beauty of some description sits,
Lost for words, the moments drip,
All because her face didn’t fit.
Dirty eyes are watching, need
To look away and just believe
That one day through a gentle deed
A home is found for broken seeds.
Tip-toe Charlies scuzzing fast,
She’s picked up, flung, a gulp, a gasp,
This treatment hopefully won’t last.
Once she was Queen in the distant past.
May 11th, 2011
Ian
This could very well be Mr Christopher Marshall if you squint slightly and turn to the side. I believe that his “big man” genes were stolen from him whilst he was watching television so that they could be passed onto further members of society. In this particular instance they were passed to Pete Lawrie; I’m being honest I didn’t know of him until I saw his Marshall-esque face in a music magazine last week.
It’s either the genes or he stole your look completely, Chris. Science has a lot to answer for. If only we knew a Science Master who might be able to offer an explanation…
May 10th, 2011
Ian
Nestle were kind enough to respond to my mutterings about Shreddies:
Dear Mr McIver,
Thank you for your letter regarding Nestle Shreddies breakfast cereal.
I am pleased to learn how much you are enjoying this product and it was good of you to take the time to contact us.
As the manufacturer of many popular breakfast cereal products, we are aware of the need to ensure high standards are met and comments from our customers are a vital aid to maintain these standards.
Consumer feedback is important to us and I will ensure that your comments are forwarded onto our Marketing Team for their reference. Please accept the enclosed vouchers (three £1.00 off my next purchase vouchers!), with my compliments, and I hope this cereal will be as popular with you in the future as it is at present.
If you would like one of my vouchers please say so. It’s kind of fitting that there’s three of us and three vouchers. Easy maths, one might say.
April 19th, 2011
Ian
Dear Shreddies / Nestle,
I am very, very, very fond of Shreddies. If I could I would probably eat Shreddies three times a day because they taste amazing. As a child I can remember sitting idly watching television and eating huge bowls of Shreddies; as an adult things haven’t changed much. I have had to cut down to one or two bowls a day because I’m told by my doctor I’m supposed to have a varied diet and even though there’s a ton of great stuff in Shreddies and milk I need other things too like vegetables and fruit. Have you seen how much sugar is in fruit though? Have you tasted celery? Fruit is dead expensive too, whereas a box and Shreddies will last me just about a full week for a small sum.
You needn’t be concerned though; every box of Shreddies I buy I always recycle the cardboard. Sometimes I have a dream where I’ve eaten so many boxes of Shreddies that I leave them in the back garden and when I look out of the window there’s just a massive pile, so big I can’t open the door. Then the police come round and it’s get a little complicated; I won’t go into those details, it is just a recurring dream after all.
I was considering writing a poem about how great Shreddies are but I didn’t think it would work very well. Not a lot of words rhyme with Shreddies apart from ‘teddies’, ‘readies’ and ‘steadies’. Can you be best man at a Weddies? Can you get a horrible pain in your Headies? I don’t think so. Needless to say though I’m sure a much better person can come up with a much better poem to relay my admiration for your brilliant cereal.
Kind Regards
Ian McIver
April 8th, 2011
Ian
I know I know, another one so soon after the last one. Usually I don’t remember dreams however recently they seem to be coming in and invading my thoughts when I wake up. This particular dream is relatively short. I could couple it with the other bizarre one I had at the start of the week in a Logical Dreamscape double bill. I could but I won’t:
I open my eyes and I’m in a queue waiting to see My Morning Jacket. I’ve waited ages to get in so the mood of the people stood with me are exciteable to say the least. When the doors are flung open we politely rush in and take our seats and that’s when I get a little suspicious. Rather than being a huge arena or stage it’s a tiny room that looks as though it’s used for church proceedings, and we’re all sat on those plastic chairs you had at school. Everyone else doesn’t notice. The room fills up quickly and someone appears at the front.
The man looks like the singing guy from the Lighthouse Family albeit without the suit, and he doesn’t do any singing. He instead pulls out a watermelon and taps on it. A faint rain then falls from the ceiling. The crowd claps and cheers at this; I stare on in disbelief.
So what does it all mean?!?
April 7th, 2011
Ian
For some reason it won’t let me upload a copy of the letter I received from Procter & Gamble. So here’s the written version:
Dear Mr. McIver
Thank you Ian for your letter.
It’s great to know that you enjoy using our product and I’ve passed your kind comments to the departments concerned.
I would also like to say thank you for the lovely poem you wrote for us.
The Fairy liquid doesn’t have a gender but we can say that the Baby icon for Fairy is a Boy and he is called Bizzie.
We can confirm that there is no long term side effect to your hand fromusing Fairy.
Thank you again for getting in touch.
Yours Sincerely
Consumer Relations Department
I consider that a net gain all round. Would anyone like to suggest another company to write to, or would they like to submit their own contributions?
March 24th, 2011
Ian
As with most dreams I appear in a place where I have no idea how I got there. This particular time it is a bus rolling through some city centre, and as I stare around trying to make sense of what is going on Nancy from Hollyoaks pops up from the seat in front and kisses me. Half of her hair is blonde and the other half is red. As soon as she has started though she is done and disappears, leaving me sort of kissing the air in quiet bewilderment.
I find some papers on my knees; official documents I think. Then a guy sitting on the other side of the bus, who looks like an old prospector, comes and sits next to me. He tells me that I’m on my way to Sheffield City Council and that the bus should arrive in the next half an hour or so, even though there’s no mention of why I’m going there. We sit and discuss numerous things. The scenary is nice.
Then when I least expect it Nancy from Hollyoaks pops up again and this time grabs me by the shoulders and pushes me into another kiss. This time it’s longer. As a precautionary method to try and stop her disappearing I wrap one of my arms around her back but it’s no use. She’s gone shortly after. The prospector, who stopped talking, now continues as though it never happened.
He gets off the bus leaving me and a few other passengers. The sun shines through the window and we’re no longer in the city; we’re rolling through luscious green valleys and hillsides. I close my eyes and forget about where I’m supposed to be going. Sadly, Nancy doesn’t come back.
But what does it all mean?
March 23rd, 2011
Ian
I came across this in the library yesterday. I took a picture but I can’t transfer them from my phone to the t’internet. Nice.
March 17th, 2011
Ian
Dear Proctor and Gamble,
I have to tell you I love your product Fairy so much. It is one of the consistencies in modern life; a product that continues to clean to a satisfactory level time after time after time. So much so I’ve written a poem about it:
Fairy Satisfaction
Oh how it cleans, oh how it sheens
Everything sparkles after using so little
Turning my plates that were dirty and brittle
Into steaming great monsters of shine
No need to work my behind
A few wipes and I’m done
That’s the beauty and the fun of Fairy
My hero
Or heroine
Or whatever gender washing-up liquid is
If I could I would use it for other things in fact occasionally I wash myself with it. Not in the washing up bowl of course but in the shower. So, two questions:
- Does washing up liquid have a gender and
- Are there any long-term side effects of using it on human skin?
Thanks
Yours Faithfully
Ian McIver
March 16th, 2011
Ian
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