Posts filed under 'Loins'
I need some clarification, some closure and some clothes to cover this naked level of understanding that me, a common beatnik, cannot get my head round.
Last week when I took the boy to school I almost arrived at the bus stop but was greeted by a curious sight. Sat on the corner by the pub was a golf ball. A golf ball that had two turds curled around it. Now I have three questions:
1. Do dogs play golf?
2. Would that be classed as modern art?
And the biggest one of all:
3. Is it marketable?
January 26th, 2009
Look me in the eye and tell me you haven’t been tempted. I’m right there in front of you, sat there in your line of vision. Don’t look away, don’t be coy I can see you’re interested. Beneath that tough exterior lies a heart just like anyone else. I can feel it. You could easily reach out and grab me, use me. It would be so simple. Nobody would think any less of you. In fact you would probably be praised, applauded even. You never know unless you try. I want you to. My purpose is for you and only you, no-one else. I won’t be here forever. It’s your choice but I’d rather have you than someone else. This the most honest I can be. I wouldn’t lie about something like this. So do it right now. Push out the boat; take the bull by the horns. Lean forward and tell me you want me, like you want to. Whisper sweet nothings to me without a second thought. Be rough, as rough as you want to, if that’s what you want. I look delicate but I’m tough. I can take whatever you want to give me. I can handle myself, I’m so used to it now. Put it down. Right now. Right on top of me. Swirl it about a bit. Swivel it from side to side. Shake it. Spill it all over me, oh yeah, maybe you want to. Make it messy. Make it dirty. Put the drink on me. Put it down bitch! Now! Now!!! Fucking pussy. I’m a coaster for God’s sake! It’s hardly astrophysics! Grow a set will ya?
December 29th, 2008
Now that I am twenty-five years old I am now allowed to heartily endorse anything I see fit. It was only twenty years ago that the law was passed by Mr G. Bus of Redcar, whereby once a person passes into the realm of mid-twenties they can flim flam about anything they like and not feel prejudiced in any way. The first few years were a struggle; who could forget Jammy Arsen and his declaration of loving bunnies, painted white and balancing on top of Leicester Square? And what about Lulu Bankshaft? I doubt she’ll be shouting about Betamax anymore the silly mare.
I don’t want to put all my toes in the same basket so for now my endorsements will be hast and fard. Right now, as in now, as in not anytime before or possibly anytime in the future, I want to endorse that which is most dear to me. Thrusting. I heartily endorse thrusting in every way, shape and form.
If only Jerry was here. I wonder what he’s doing now…
November 20th, 2008
Hello, well would you look at that, its Ian’s Birthday all over again. Sorry I missed you at the weekend, hope it was fun.
Anyway, down to important stuff… Where are all the pictures from London, Bitch?
November 17th, 2008
Wen I am olda I want to be one of the Thundercrats. The Thundercrats are reely reely good. I reely like that one called Lionel becos he is the leeder and has a big huge shiny sord. When Lionel looks in the sord he can see lots of fings. I also like Panfro who is gray and reely reely strong. Panfro is strong. He is not as good as Lionel. I do not like that one who is a tigar. All he does is whipp stuff. I do not like whipps. Sords are better. The rest of the Thundercrats are ok. That kitty one with the sniffles who neva shuts up and who always runs away and does not do anythin does not do anythin. He should do sumthin like grow into a big huge kitty like that one in Hee Mann. That way Lionel cud ride him like a pony. My sister wants a pony for cristmas. I want micro mashines and that sord that Lionel has. That is a good sord.
November 4th, 2008
I am the real Morris Miner!
October 2nd, 2008
If you care about the random goings on of googles search algorithm which points people to our glorious site, it now has a permanent home, which i will update sometimes.
Check it OUT
August 15th, 2008
Hooray! Today is the birthday of Kevin Head! He has finally reached the age of 24 that so many others before have done. It is a momentous day. I went out and drank five or six pints because of this very occasion. I would have done tonight but obviously I’m at work, I’ll have Reuben and Thursdays are bad.
Here is a sentence I wrote for you:
“Drip drop, pork chop”
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that’s all folks!
July 31st, 2008
In a desperate attempt to make some money in this bitter climate I have reached the lowest of the low. No, not telemarketing (“You know Susan, you would look good in this stunning summer blouse cum tin opener replacement made from unused leeks”). Although I think I would be good at it.
I have been making photocopies of my bottom and pretending that they belong to celebrities. The photocopier at work has never seen as much action! We have, for him, the George Clooney (tight and rugged), the Rowland Rivron (flabby but fun) and the Clint Eastwood (off the scale). For her we have the Angelina Jolie (sexy and soft), the Rosie O’Donnell (tugging at straws) and, ho ho ho, the Amy Winehouse (huge crack).
If anyone wants any signed copies please feel free to request them.
£50.00 + VAT.
July 8th, 2008
Now I know its not polite to discuss regligion and politics, but I’d like to draw your attention to Pastafarianism. It seems to tick all my boxes, and if agreed I’d like to make it the official religion of da Beans, see what you think…
http://www.venganza.org/
June 27th, 2008
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