Posts filed under 'Think about it'
Following on from the highly amusing and disturbing list put forward by Mr Head confirming what type of individuals are visiting our site when we are looking the other way, I think it would be nice if we added some random words, phrases and other things that would attract more and more, hmmm, like weirdoes but in a nice way. Like a nice us sort of way.
In any case I’m going to do it and would encourage you both to do the same thing as well. Are you in? Deploy:
- This fruit is bad ass.
- Loser orange.
- Folicles.
- Feace, feace, feace and more feaces.
- Cousin Clive (don’t go on the floor with him).
- Chasing the Northern Lights.
Furthermore I would like to add gesticulating, ponyfying and Chaka Demus!
June 7th, 2010
I appear to be in someone else’s flat at first because I don’t recognise the kitchen but as it happens it’s my kitchen only a little different.
I think I’m trying to eat breakfast. There’s just me and the two people I’m sharing the flat with. One of them takes my twelve inch vinyl of Minus the Bear’s ‘Acoustics’ EP and starts to rip open not only the plastic still covering the record but also the cardboard sleeve itself. I scream into my shredded wheat, “What are you doing?!? There’s only five thousand of them in the entire world!”
The person tearing apart from precious vinyl shrugs and throws it on the counter. He then wanders off. I pine for this mess lying in front of me before I get a tap on the shoulder. The guy hands me thirty pounds in five pound notes and wanders off eating a Nutrigrain bar.
When I look further inside the cardboard sleeve I realise the record is in fact only a seven inch and right at the bottom, squeezed in at the bottom, is a mug and a blue t-shirt / jumper with a strange logo on.
What on earth does any of that mean?
June 3rd, 2010
Increasing pressure has today been inflicted upon the world by a large group of Americans obsessed with the motion picture ‘Back To The Future II’. They are stating that, with less than five years before we reach the year 2015, they are very disappointed with the lack of progress in the fields of science that were implied in the film.
“It’s awful,” says hasbeen wunderkinder Lars Inuit who is the spokesperson for the group Get Back To The Future, “We’ve no hover cars, no hover boards. Last week I went into a diner and there wasn’t a monitor with Ronald Regan on it telling me what the day’s specials were. I don’t really think there is enough time for the technology to reach this level anymore. What are we supposed to do?”
With not really having anyone from the world to speak on behalf of the world the United Nations decided to balance a donkey on a beachball for seven minutes as a direct response to the claims from the group. When the donkey only managed thirty seconds it was rushed away into a back room and replaced with a cardboard cut out.
We asked Kevin Hill Science Master, leader in the field of tasting his own mouth, about the news. “I’ve seen the film but it’s never had an effect on me. I mean what’s the point in finding out what is happening in a few years time when we’ve only just reached the point where we can taste our own mouths? We need to focus and stick to the basics.”
A similar group appeared towards the end of the twentieth century when fans on the cult television series ‘Space 1999’ were appauled that the citizens of planet earth were not living on the moon and travelling around in shoddy trains.
May 12th, 2010
I have been abroad and I am now back, having been places and seen things. Some of the things I saw, I took pictures of, like this happy lump of snow:
And this remarkably positive graffiti:
I am now at home again. Thus ends my tale. (Though I skipped the bit where I had a run in with the police and am saving it for my autobiography.)
March 17th, 2010
So it’s almost over yes, I admit that, but what I won’t admit is defeat when we all stand on the jaws of success. The jaws of triumph. The jaws of not defeat. We have only two more days left of 2009 which has been the worst 2009 I have ever come across. If I ever do come across another 2009 I will be sure to boot it up the backside before it has a chance to turn around and gaze into my wonderful face.
So… what should 2010 start with? Unfortunately it would appear as though the mascot has re-surfaced as the way of grabbing attention from the general public. Compare the Market managed it with a meerkat in a dressing gown. Churchill continues to have a nodding dog that sounds like Vic Reeves. Awful, awful advert for Go Compare has an awful, awful opera singer and a terrible pun at the end. So what do we do? We jump on the bandwagon of course!
We will have to sit down and think about this for a while. Luckily I did a lot of that over the Christmas period so the majority of it is almost done. What I was thinking when it comes to a mascot for da Beans it would have to be something that you would instantly link us to. So I’ve narrowed it down to two possibles:
1) A Badger with a limp
2) The Knitted Beaver
I think we would have more chance with the beaver given the rich and wondrous history he has given to us all. We could have a stupid tagline like, “Beev-er? Done that? Then try Pouring Beans Dot Com!” What does the focus group think?
December 29th, 2009
So, you want to learn how to eat beets? Eating beets is not an easy thing. You can’t just pick them up and start mowing away like a man with a lawn. There is a subtle art and delicate nature to the eating of the beets and we are happily here to show you how.
Let’s start from the beginning. Fundamentally there are three ways to eat beets. The most common is the wrong way. The less most common is the right way. The one that flits about in the middle is the more less common but less more common than the other two way. For today’s seminar, if you can call it a seminar, we will focus on the less most common method, for it is the least known of the three.
What is a beet? Where do they come from? How do they arrive? We don’t have time for all the facts so we’ll say this: they do arrive safely and unharmed during the night. Are beets held hostage? Of course not. That would be silly.
Moving on now, the history of the beet is brief. They arrived in 1997 after too many people complained that the carrot was becoming too popular. Some believe it was multi-millionaire Frans Buldishot who bred a turnip with a bottle of purple colour dye to come up with the beet, which has since been confirmed as true. Beets are popular in most countries, including Guatamala.
So without further a do we can kindly guide you into the eating of beets. You want to know and we want to tell you. This is why these things work so well. It’s simple; the best way to eat beets is to not at all because they taste like sh*t.
December 10th, 2009
Following on from the recent and very successful ‘Zombie Bunny Big Beans’ advertising campaign, a shock survey has revealed that the respected and well-known website Pouring Beans does not have enough beans.
Three years or so in and with not much of a profitable following but yet a cult following in certain circles, Pouring Beans crashed onto the world wide web with a cheeky smile and an abusive attitude. The attitude was kerbed though and once all the misogynstic comments and rude pencil drawings had been removed it was considered a success. Not so much a success in the conventional sense of the word, more of a success within three friends who slapped each other on the back knowing that they had left a mark somewhere in this crazy world.
This survey though has seen PB morale drop to an all time low: just under the seven mark. “Being here and knowing that, I know that if I wasn’t here and I was somewhere else,” dribbled out Pouring Beans stalwart Ian “Mac Mac Mac Mac” McIver, “I’d still know that and it would make me cry.” Asked how the crew was going to deal with the crisis Mr McIver merely made an increasingly loud noise, mentioned something about being “hairy on the go” and fled the scene clutching his “welcomes”.
How they react to this is anyone’s guess. My guess is that they will put more beans on it. FACT!
December 1st, 2009
Topical news today on Newsboost. It has been reported that during one of her concerts at the Manchester MEN Arena Beyonce, or the bootylicious Beyonce as she has come to be known as, invited a young boy on stage to join in with a duet.
The boy then proceeded to sing and received a kiss on the forehead from the glamarous singer. Bless. The poor lad is trying to find someone who took a photo of the magical scene as his mum was too far back to get a decent shot. Double bless. If I was eight I suppose that could float my boat although I didn’t start fancying girls until I was twelve and even then it was ones wearing gas masks.
Not only did he get the kiss though he was also handed by Beyonce a towel which she had used to dry her face. “Thanks for being my fan, now please take this sweaty piece of cloth as an eternal reminder.” Did she not have something stashed away for the boy to have? Did it really have to come down to some locker room junk, covered in beads of perspiration and dripping makeup?
Then again people are that crazy that they do buy things doused in sweat from celebrities, fingernails and other assorted oddities. In the spirit of this and in preparation for my astounding career as a singing chimneysweep (it’ll happen) I have chopped all my hair off and tied it into generous yet highly-expensive locks. Currently retailing at £19.99 – buy now!
November 24th, 2009
Welcome to November!
Now I’m a pretty open-minded individual, except when it comes to music of course. Once I even took off my shoes to scratch my foot. Twice I opened a man-hole to let bandit rats escape into the sewers. I was greeted with a curious sight this morning. I opened the Metro (the paper, not the actual Metro, although I did really because I pressed the buttom so I could get on the damn thing), read through all the tat and got to the back pages. Bouncing about on page 48 was some adverts for jobs and O’Briens Irish Sandwich Bar are advertising for two distinct roles. They are:
- 2 x Assistant Accountants
- 2 x Accounts Assistants
Does anyone else get the impression someone is taking the piss? Reading the specifications it is clear why they are different and all that but it just looks wrong.
Perhaps it’s like in the Simpsons where Homer is unemployed and there’s a job for a Supervising Technician. “I’m not a Supervising Technician, I’m a Technical Supervisor.” Titles don’t mean anything anymore.
Still, if you could be an Assistant Accountant or an Accounts Assistant which one would you be?
November 2nd, 2009
As it happens, before any of us have realised, we are hurtling towards Christmas on a broken truck with three wheels, two gears and a wing mirror covered in toffee. Did you like that? You can sing it if you want to.
In order to really get into the spirit I have devised a new concept that can neatly fit into most of the ideas I come up with as well as sparking up a few imaginative pennies along the way. I am currently in the process of writing a Gangster Christmas Album and was wondering if you would like to contribute. Obviously beneath the violence, the swearing, the carnage and the chaos there will be heartfelt tales of shopping and families as that’s what Christmas is all about, right?
I’m pulling in a few guest collaborators to help with the music but any song lyrics, titles, ideas or anything like that would be gratefully acknowledged. You can also help with the tunes too. There are no boundaries when it comes to Festive Hip Hop.
September 14th, 2009
Next Posts
Previous Posts
