Posts filed under 'Chris'
So I get up, mid-afternoon, ready for a night shift tonight. I decide at about 4pm that it’s time to go out to Sainsbury’s for some bits and pieces I need. On my way downstairs I pick up some crap that needs taking to the bin and I take it down with me, put it all in the bin, and turn around to close the door.
I look at the front door. It has a yale lock and a normal key sort of lock. I think “the neighbours are away, so I should lock both of them”. I reach into my pocket. I find no keys.
Luckily, the door is still open. I run upstairs, shouting a long, slow-motion “NOOOOOOO!” as I do, and yes – just as I had feared – the door to my flat is locked and burglar-proof. I turn the handle anyway and try to push it open a few times. Sadly the lock on the other side of it has not mysteriously evaporated and the door does not open.
Because I was going out anyway I have my phone and my wallet with me. So I have just spent the last two hours – TWO, count ’em – getting a bus and a tube and another tube to Notting Hill Gate, walking ten minutes in the rain to where Friya works, getting her spare keys off her, walking some more in the rain, getting another tube, and another one, and another bus back home.
I will be getting spare keys cut and leaving them hidden in some cunning location.
(It could be worse. I could have left my phone behind, and the door downstairs could have been locked. Then I would have been trapped on the stairs with two bags of rubbish and no way to get help.)
July 19th, 2007
…and gets put in envelopes and posted to people.
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You can expect your complimentary preview copy of Mr Smith and the Drill in the post shortly.
July 15th, 2007
This post is all about how little I have to say at this time. I am writing it, nonetheless, because I want to write something and there hasn’t been a new article here for a long time. So I am typing this and even as I do so I barely know what the next word will be. So far I have managed to type it in one continuous stream but I fear that soon I will run dry and have to stop for a think.
That paragraph break bought me enough time to work out that I should tell you about the thunderstorm. There is a thunderstorm here, you see, and it’s quite loud.
In a bit I will have to go back to work. First, though, I would like all comments for this item to begin with the words “Actually, you can do that because”. For example, if you wanted to tell me how wonderful you found this item, you might write:
Actually, you can do that because although you had nothing to say, you did say it very well. Therefore the idea that you can’t just write a blog post about nothing is unfounded.
I have had enough blathering and I will stop typing…
HERE.
July 9th, 2007
Hello. Tonight (that’s Sunday night) I’m working a nightshift. But it’s not any ordinary nightshift, oh no. I’m doing some extra time so that I can get a Saturday off at short notice in a couple of weeks. So tonight I started work at 9.30pm and I will be finishing at 10am on Monday morning.
I’m not really looking forward to this, so I will be charting my escapades hour by hour on this very website, so that you can all revel in the dullness of my evening.
Continue Reading June 24th, 2007
It’s been weeks since the last week of the week so definitely time for another week of the week this week.
This week’s week of the week is 4-10 March 1973.
Sunday 4 March 1973 – the 15th Grammy Awards are held.
Monday 5 March 1973 – two Spanish aeroplanes collide over France during a French air traffic control strike. 47 Britons died, along with some other foreigners.
Tuesday 6 March 1973 – Episode 9 of the first series of “Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads” is transmitted for the first time.
Wednesday 7 March 1973 – Ray Parlour is born. He grows up to become a footballer or something.
Thursday 8 March 1973 – a referendum is held in Northern Ireland to ask whether it should remain part of the UK. The vote is boycotted by Catholics and the result is more than 98% in favour of staying in the Union.
Friday 9 March 1973 – Norway passes Act no. 14 relating to the Prevention of the Harmful Effects of Tobacco.
Saturday 10 March 1973 – the British governor of Bermuda is assassinated along with his deputy.
Another amazing week! I certainly remember what I was doing when all this happened. Do you?
June 18th, 2007
I went back up to Leeds and visited Kev and we made a very silly thing.
It’s Mr Smith!
Lookity lookity lookity look!
June 15th, 2007
I think everyone would agree that the government is a bit naff. I mean, they’ve been at it for centuries now, and are things really any better than when they started?
So it seems to me that it would be much better if we started our own government and just, you know, got on with it. Therefore I suggest that, with effect from Thursday 7th June 2007, we launch the Pouring Beans Governmental Committee (PBGC) which will start issuing edicts, declarations, statutes and prophecies immediately for the betterment of the United Kingdom.
I see the governmental hierarchy looking like this, from least powerful to most powerful:
- Parish Councils
- County Councils and Unitary Authorities
- Regional Assemblies
- Individual Ministries
- The House of Commons
- The House of Lords
- HM the Queen (ceremonial head of state)
- Pouring Beans Governmental Committee
As the PBGC will be above all other elements of the government, I don’t see why we should have to bother asking the rest of them. We should just set it up and get on with it, and they can adjust to it as necessary.
As a starting point, I have been carrying out detailed negotiations with the existing ruling party, and I have arranged for Tony Blair to stand down from office towards the end of this month. I think this will make our job significantly easier. I hope this is OK with the rest of the PBGC.
We need titles for ourselves, and possibly specialised areas. I suggest that Ian is best placed to look after Legalness, the Law and all things related. Kev is best places to be in charge of Technology and Defence (because he’s in IT and the scouts) and I could probably look after Infrastructure – things like transport and housing and stuff. Because we’ll be above ministers, we also need a decent title. I think “god” has a nice ring to it. This would make Ian, for example, God of Law.
Your thoughts please.
June 5th, 2007
I have recently re-discovered a copy of said document in my drawers and wish to point out the following:
1. Apollo now cracks one off every hour.
2. Doreen the Tureen from Turin.
3. Telephoning hot bitch soup.
4. Dave is ‘Simply Man’.
5. Lenin is Russia.
6. She deserves an ice cream.
Also well done to Kev whipping those web monkeys to make the website come back. It has been sorely missed.
June 5th, 2007
I have a new and exciting way to predict the weather. Based on scientific examination of the weather cycles over the last week, in conjunction with the shift patterns I have worked over the same period of time, I have produced a theory which I am calling the Almighty Theory of Weather By Chris Who Is Great.
The patterns were as follows.
- Monday: off work. Raining.
- Tuesday: at work. Sunny.
- Wednesday: at work. Sunny.
- Thursday: at work. Sunny.
- Friday: at work. Sunny.
- Saturday: off work. Raining.
- Sunday: at work. Dry, but raining heavily when I was out of doors.
- Monday: off work. Raining.
- Today: at work. Dry. Sun is coming out.
My next day off will be Saturday 2nd June. I therefore confidently predict warm, dry weather in the South East of England until Friday. On Saturday I predict rain.
I have developed a second theory as a result of these observations. I have called it the Weather is a Bastard theory.
May 29th, 2007
Another week, so it’s time for another week of the week! This week’s week is not too weak. It’s 9-15 April 1933.
Sunday 9 April 1933 – Walnut Valley Motorcycle Club holds a race in Winfield, Kansas, where Pete Petross takes third place in the time trials on his Henderson Super X, scoring 38.2 seconds.
Monday 10 April 1933 – Ernest Jones wrote a letter to Sigmund Freud, saying it was a pleasure to hear “your manly and firm tones in these difficult times”.
Tuesday 11 April 1933 – Edward Elgar conducted a performance of his own music which was recorded for release.
Wednesday 12 April 1933 – Montserrat Caballe was born, and later went on to become a backing singer with Queen.
Thursday 13 April 1933 – the American premiere of an English translation of Brecht’s play, Die Dreigroschenoper.
Friday 14 April 1933 – the milk price war continues in America, with shops selling a quart of milk for as little as 7 cents.
Another wonderful week! What are your memories of this highly emotive time?
May 22nd, 2007
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