Posts filed under 'Chris'
This week’s week of the week is 14-20 November 1869.
Monday 15 November 1869 – Alexander Campbell stood down as Acting Minister of Inland Revenue in Canada.
Tuesday 16 November 1869 – the Suez Canal opened to shipping.
Wednesday 17 November 1869 – the ship Jason docked at Maryborough, Sydney, Australia. John W. Castle was the ship’s master.
Thursday 18 Novemebr 1869 – four days of heavy rainfall in the Texas Hill Country comes to an end.
Friday 19 November 1869 – full moon.
A great week, I’m sure you’ll agree!
May 15th, 2007
Today it is Bank Holiday Monday and also my birthday and I am at work.
Therefore it seems appropriate to share with you the history of the great British bank holiday.
The term “Bank Holiday” is a corrupted form of the olde English “barn collar day”, an event that happened once or twice a year in the summer. Hundreds of medieval folk would take a break from toiling in the fields, put on their smartest clothes – the only ones they owned that had a collar – and danced around a ceremonial barn, usually for upwards of sixteen hours at a time. A hog was roasted and there would also usually be vegetarian lasagne, Wotsits and Tizer.
As the tradition grew older, large communal barns were set up on beaches around the country, allowing as many as 50,000 medieval serfs to revel at once. On the Saturday before Barn Collar Day, thousands of them would get stuck in traffic jams on the motorway trying to get to the seaside for the party.
The practice was outlawed by the Victorians as part of the wide-ranging Enjoyment Prevention Act (1838) and Barn Collar Days were replaced by days off in which the public was expected to sit at home and give thanks to god by being quiet.
The modern idea of a Bank Holiday began in 1859, when those who were unhappy with staying indoors decided to use the day to have a holiday in a bank’s foyer, filling in forms and queueing to speak to cashiers through those little perforated windows. The intention was to get out and have a change of scenery, but by doing it in a bank they could be sure that they didn’t actually enjoy themselves. The practice spread and by 1886, every single person in Britain could be found in a bank every Bank Holiday.
In 1957 Cliff Richard sang a special concert to celebrate the demolition of the Enjoyment Prevention Act, and it is now commemorated every Bank Holiday when millions of people try to get to the seaside on what is guaranteed to be the most miserable day of the summer and have no fun whatsoever.
May 7th, 2007
When I grow up and own lots of land I want to make this cartoon a reality.
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This indicates how stupid my ideas are.
Do you want to do anything stupid? Or, if you don’t want to answer that question, say so and instead answer this one: what’s your favourite kind of citrus fruit?
April 30th, 2007
This is a poem in hateful memory of all the slightly posh teachers at primary school who thought they could climb another rung up the social ladder by pronouncing the word poem as “poym”. It doesn’t make you sound posh, it makes you sound like an arsehole with a speech impediment. Stop it.
Anyway, this is a poem that I haven’t written yet and which I am going to bash out off the cuff in a minute, about working a night shift, which is what I’m doing.
The Night Shift
By Christopher J. Marshall
Here I sit in the office
Dark it is outside
How I long to feel
Sunbeams warm and wide.
As I sit I wonder
What the point may be
For I would not be sat here
If I were a tree.
Soon I will climb the steps
Reach another floor
I will work for one full hour
Behind a wooden door.
Some may think it crazy
Some may think it crude
But I work these hours for money
So I can buy some food.
April 23rd, 2007
Seriously, where are you all? I demand a status report of some description.
Since last posting here, I have:
- Eaten 14 slices of toast, of which 12 had apricot jam on them
- Finished my 2 litre bottle of Sainsbury’s own brand cola
- Washed up 6 times
- Decided to leave my winter coat at home, but forgotten to take out my ID badge for work, meaning that for one day I had a temporary pass
- Received 163 junk e-mails
- Caught the 8.53 train to Waterloo once, mistakenly thinking I had to be at work for 9.30, when really I wasn’t needed until 10.15
- Had two fingers of Twix
- Blew my nose in a really satisfying way shortly after my morning shower
- Doodled meaningless things while on the phone thrice.
What have you been up to?
April 13th, 2007
Chris Industries International Ltd. is sorry to announce that its pre-tax profits for the 2006-07 financial year were some way below forecasts.
CII Ltd’s chairman, Chris, blamed the result on the unexpected departure of the public face of the company, Pete Doherty, and the resulting downturn in sales.
Since Mr Doherty’s departure, the company has racked up £14bn in debts, partly due to its poor performance in rotissomat technologies.
The ailing company has been acquired by Richard Branson, who remains optimistic that he can turn around CII’s fortune. From April 10th 2007, CII Ltd will be known as Virgin Pet Care.
April 7th, 2007
From the London Lite, 31 March 2007:
Tooting man is Hindu goddess
An unemployed man from Tooting has found work as an Indian goddess, attempting to cure thousands of Hindus of infertility. Steve Cooper has been treated as a deity for three months after leaving his flat to live in India. The cross-dresser calls himself Pamela, but is known to his worshippers as Prema, Hindi for divine love.
How I wish there was more to this story.
March 31st, 2007
Hello. I am at work on a nightshift without an awful lot to do, so I’ve spent about an hour compiling the following useful facts about Locker 29, better known as Office 3.
Claimed: 3rd July 2006
Lost: early March 2007
Number: 29
Location: The Baltic, Gateshead
History: Various items were placed in the locker on the following occasions.
- 03/07/06 Baltic gallery leaflets.
- 04/07/06 One copy of the book Erudite Musings on the Human Condition (photocopy).
- 07/07/06 7″ vinyl of ‘some bollocks band nobody cares about’.
- 16/07/06 Two bags.
- 24/07/06 Pair of headphones, sticker promoting new Pipettes album, pen with lion’s head on it.
- 09/08/06 Two paperclips, one red and one yellow.
- 18/08/06 Blue paperclip, an old Christmas card from Sarah, two elastic bands ‘laid erotically across the Baltic leaflets’.
- 07/09/06 Plastic Tesco bag, a slip from ‘a recorded delivery earlier in the week’ and a bus ticket from Tuesday 5th September 2006.
- 14/11/06 Chocolate biscuit in foil wrapper.
Intelligence gathered from postings to this website suggest that the tat posted to Newcastle via top secret Jiffy Bag in September 2006 was never placed in the locker and is probably still safe, including some paper snowflakes, pictures of BBC Look North presenters and a book of Garforth soil samples.
OFFICE 3: WE SHALL NOT FORGET.
March 30th, 2007
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Chris Industries International Ltd. is sorry to announce the departure of the face of CII, world renowned musician Pete Doherty.
Mr Doherty had appeared in all CII Ltd. marketing material, voiced radio commercials and carried out ‘meeting and greeting’ tours in the CII Ltd. retail superstores across the globe.
Chris, Megaboss of CII Ltd., said today: “I’m sorry to see Pete end the deal. I’ve long been a fan of Pete’s moronic lifestyle and I thought he lived the lifestyle that we wanted to offer our customers. Whether he was advertising our dog grooming services or our exciting range of luxury wheelbarrows, he’s what our customers wanted.
Pete Doherty today commented: “I read this thing on their website, where someone posted some stuff Chris said about me, and now I don’t like him much.â€?
Mr Doherty now plans to take some time out with his partner, Kate Moss, in their luxury hideaway resort in Cleethorpes.
Chris Industries International Ltd. denies that this could spell the end of their global brand and are currently looking in to their options.
His partner Kate Moss was said to be “past it�.
March 27th, 2007
Chris Industries International Ltd. is proud to announce the new face of CII – the world renowned musician Pete Doherty.
From April 2007, Pete will appear in all CII Ltd. marketing material, will voice radio commercials and will also do ‘meeting and greeting’ tours in the new CII Ltd. retail superstores.
Chris, Megaboss of CII Ltd., said today: “I’m delighted with the deal. I’ve long been a fan of Pete’s moronic lifestyle and I think he lives the lifestyle that we want to offer our customers. Whether he’s advertising our dog grooming services or our exciting new range of luxury wheelbarrows, he’s what our customers want.
Pete Doherty today commented: “Yeah. What?”
The deal is unique in the world of marketing, in that Mr. Doherty will not be paid money for his services, and instead will be just given whatever he would have spent the money on.
His partner Kate Moss was said to be “quite thin”.
March 23rd, 2007
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