HAG ALERT!
Warning! Loose hags on the prowl! Lock up your valuables!
3 comments October 17th, 2006
Posts filed under 'Chris'
Jiffy Bag Update
I posted a jiffy bag full of shite to Newcastle a while ago now. I demand to know whether it was received intact and whether its contents are now being enjoyed by its intended recipient.
Trouble is, if it’s being returned, there’s only a 50% chance it’ll come to me. There are two return addresses on the envelope, and the other one is “The Pope c/o The Vatican”.
4 comments October 9th, 2006
Another World Exclusive
Following extensive research*, Kev and I are able to reveal that the word below has never been published anywhere on the internet before now. Once it has been published it will – until it becomes a worldwide phenomenon and all the kids are saying it – be the sole incarnation of this word to grace the inforweb superhighnet.
MINTYFLAP
I don’t know about you but I feel pretty humble.
* we did a search on Google
7 comments September 23rd, 2006
Locker News
I have taken a number of glossy presenter photos from work which I think should go in the locker. It would be like a tiny model of a portrait gallery. The pictures include Look North’s very own Harry Gration and Christa Ackroyd.
I will keep you updated.
6 comments September 13th, 2006
Magical beepy door pass
It’s an exciting day here at work!
Today I came in and was told the glorious news that my ID card is ready. That means that I now have my very own dangly tag thing on a cord (like those dog leads that extend) with my name and my picture on it. And it OPENS DOORS! I put it on a little thing and it goes beep and the door opens! Magical!
Do you have one of these? If so, does it excite you as much as mine excites me?
7 comments September 11th, 2006
GTADT
Following the successful completion of the Go There and Do Things DVD, containing all four erotic movies, I’ve updated my website to show the details of the two latest episodes.
4 comments September 7th, 2006
Repeat offender
I’ve been thieving, burgling and extorting my workplace again. As it’s my last day here before starting my new job on Monday I’ve really gone to town with my criminal activity.
I have stolen these two images:
 A strand of DNA, and
 Liebstadt power station in Germany.
I have also pocketed a little mat to put your mug on which says Without a British Telecom Radiopager, you’re just not there. This is futuristic. Woo!
11 comments August 31st, 2006
Pouring Beans: 3 Month Progress Report
Read the first tri-monthly site progress report, produced by the Pouring Beans Administrative Committee’s Progress and Reporting Sub-Committee. Please sign your copy in triplicate and return the green copy to be date stamped. Retain the yellow copy for your own records.
Continue Reading 7 comments August 26th, 2006
Bored
I’m at work but only 7 people are in the office out of the usual 14. Plus nobody is phoning, nobody is emailing and nobody has any work for me to do. I am so bored.
As a result of this, I am sitting here writing this. I have decided to look up BORING on Google Images and it gives me this:
Is this boring? It’s very hard to tell. I think it’s actually quite interesting. There’s a nice gay “hello sailor” thing about it all, and a mystery element because you don’t know who is on the other end of the phone. I wonder if that mystery caller knows they are talking to a pair of gay sailors in a lusty embrace?
I’m also interested in the homely American Sitcom look of the room they’re in. That table lamp with its creamy plaited shade is very Fresh Prince and the balustrade on the staircase in the background suggests a large, comfortable home, and not a battleship full of Village People singing gaybos.
My search also brings up this image from the Church of the King, Dallas. I’d like to think this is some sort of Elvis shrine that uses old biddies to spread the word.
In this image we see two such crones looking rather maudlin, both with cheery Rasta-style headgear. One is wearing horn rimmed glasses that were cutting edge in about 1952. The intention is to make us think that this church is so cool in its teaching of the Burning Love of Elvis that old grannies turn up looking like this. I think that this is actually a lie. The two old biddies in the image have never been there, and probably only like “In the Ghetto”, being much more interested in Max Bygraves’s oeuvre.
They were hired for the King’s publicity photoshoot and were told what would happen with recolouring to make them look trendy. This is why they look like you’ve just stolen their mobility scooter.
This image is also allegedly boring. I disagree. The woman in the centre of the picture is actually a hooker and is negotiating with the other two for a night of hot action. What she doesn’t know is that she’s being filmed for a late-night candid camera show where her antics will be broadcast to most of Japan. In addition, none of them are aware that the green building in the background is completely filled with Rice Krispies which were put there by a deranged millionaire.
I am SO BORED but this study of early 21st century visual interpretations of ‘boring’ has helped fill 30 minutes or so of my life. Thank you for your time.
Special reader exercise
Can you find a boring image and say why it’s a stack of cack? Prizes* for the best one!
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* Prizes are imaginary
11 comments August 25th, 2006