Posts filed under 'Things'
Hello children! It’s time for another brilliant list of all the things that are in close proximity to me!
- fancy new VOIP telephone that doesn’t work very well, and requires you to press “OK” after you dial a number or it won’t do anything.
- 330ml bottle of Tesco apple juice (from concentrate), with about 40% of juice remaining.
- thermal non-spill mug with dregs of coffee in it.
- my portable telephone, currently set to vibrate.
- keyboard, manufactured by HP, with silver strip around the function keys.
- large speaker which is hardwired to Network Ringmain Point 22, so if you switch it on you can hear the Afghan Stream as carried by BBC FM relays in Kabul, Mazar and Herat.
- pair of Canford headphones, level limited to -93dBA, with tangled cable.
- lid of my USB pen drive.
- empty plastic cup.
- grey optical mouse with scroll wheel.
- my hands.
I will be delighted to answer your questions on this subject. Please raise your hand if you wish to make an enquiry.
August 5th, 2009
The Not Report was not an idea by Christopher J Marshall and written by Ian P McIver from a task created by Christopher J Marshall during a conversation with Ian P McIver.
You will not get the chance to read about my fruitless efforts at trying to get a new life in the space of a few days, nor will you see the whole thing set out in a pleasing format.
Date: 20th April 2009
Subject: The Not Report
Writer: Ian “Mac Mac Mac Mac” McIver
The Not Report
The Assignment: To try and get a new job and a new girlfriend by close of business on 20th April 2009.
Equipment: One not attractive nor interesting twenty-five year old man, not a whole world out there waiting to be infiltrated by a budding singleton and not the population of Newcastle.
Method: The acquisition of a new life (those parts being further employment and a “better half”.
Report: Upon receipt of the initial instructions I did not take it upon myself to set out the goals that I was trying to achieve. As well as this I did not take the time to spend any time looking in the right places for love that generally include local bars, pubs and dating websites. After the first day I did not think about what I was trying to do. After the second day I also did not think about what I was trying to do. Approaching the end of the weekend I did not actually leave the house other than to take my respective son, aka The Chop, back to his proper home over in Throckley.
At the beginning of today I did not check any job websites nor obtain the jobs paper that is issued weekly on a Thursday in the Tyne and Wear area.
As a result of this it appears as though I not only did not get the new job I was hoping for but I am not attached, nor in a relationship with, nor have any prospects with the opposite sex.
Here is a collection of photos I did not take to further explain my predicament.
Conclusion: Not doing things is not the right way to go about problems.
April 22nd, 2009
Yes, theme tune fans! It’s time for another brilliant theme tune! Here’s where I bring you one and you can listen to it! Why? Mostly because this place is dead and that makes me sad! So here’s something to perk it up a bit as Da Beans approaches its third birthday!
Clicky clicky clicky this: UFO theme tune
Yes! It’s the theme music from Gerry Anderson’s UFO, first screened in 1970 and which has been mostly forgotten as a live-action follow up to things like Stingray and Joe 90 that nobody remembers much because it wasn’t all that good and nobody was sure if it was for kid sor grown ups. But what a theme tune!
As my Top Theme Tune of the Month, I award it seventeen annoying stars and my own personal “yippee”!
x17
March 16th, 2009
Just so you can all get to know me slightly better, here is a long, yet not comprehensive list of the items on my desk at work:
Speakers, mobile phone, Pint Glass (Empty), 3 plastic cups, 30cm shatterproof ruler, greem dry-wipe marker, a box of screws, some blu-tak, a permanent black marker, 2 handkerchiefs, a pot of salt, Adobe Dreamweaver CS3 (Sealed), A desk pad, 4 mice, 2 Hard drive platters, a hole punch, my laptop, a roll of yellow electrical tape, an 8-ball stress squisher, 3 network cables (2 grey, 1 yellow), A Microsoft Action Pack Subscription, blank CDR’s, a stuffed otter, a spen tie-wrap, a calculator and a miniature wheelie bin full of pens.
I hope you now feel you know me that little bit better.
August 12th, 2008
Now then. I’ve added a clever deeley called Google analytics to our wee site, that tells us, not only, how many people have looked at our site, but also where they are in the world, and if they used a search engine to find us, what they searched for.
Its been on here since last wednesday and below are the things people have searched for and ended up on our glorious page:
1. nigella lawson nipples
2. clever advertising
3. christa ackroyd
4. christmas tree dalek
5. cockall
6. custard beans
7. funny bedtime stories
8. how to spatch cock a chicken
9. jack pinata
10. jam pandas
11. lynda bellingham boobs
12. nigella cook nipples
13. olden day daleks
14. rotissomat
15. stray home bedtime story
16. what does bint mean
July 22nd, 2008
In a desperate attempt to make some money in this bitter climate I have reached the lowest of the low. No, not telemarketing (“You know Susan, you would look good in this stunning summer blouse cum tin opener replacement made from unused leeks”). Although I think I would be good at it.
I have been making photocopies of my bottom and pretending that they belong to celebrities. The photocopier at work has never seen as much action! We have, for him, the George Clooney (tight and rugged), the Rowland Rivron (flabby but fun) and the Clint Eastwood (off the scale). For her we have the Angelina Jolie (sexy and soft), the Rosie O’Donnell (tugging at straws) and, ho ho ho, the Amy Winehouse (huge crack).
If anyone wants any signed copies please feel free to request them.
£50.00 + VAT.
July 8th, 2008
Now then my little monkeys.
I was thinking today about clever adverts. Some band, who are apparently called the Pigeon Detectives, have apparently got some poxy new album out, or something, at the moment. Who cares. Well, I care, not because their music is worth another second of my precious lifespan, but because the advertising for it is clever. OK, so they have billboard adverts around the place.
But this is the clever thing, you see. The album’s called “Emergency”. Emergency, right? So on my way to work yesterday, the railings of a building site I passed had this red and blue tape around it, blocking off holes and making it look like an accident scene. They said EMERGENCY and PIGEON DETECTIVES on them. “That”, I thought to myself, “is clever”.
The Mystery Jets had their logo sprayed on phone boxes near my work earlier in the year too, which is quite good, because it’s a weird plane thing with a question mark in it. So it is actually a mystery. See what they did there?
And apparently last night on Channel 4, Honda did an advert with skydivers spelling out the word ‘HONDA’ that was broadcast live. Flipping heck.
Brilliant. What other clever adverts are kicking around?
May 30th, 2008
This afternoon, it was brought to my attention (by Mr. Marshall) that another blog was linking directly to images on our glorious site.
The image in question is the Eagles album cover that Ian opsted in his Mr Smudgey Exposé. As you can see if you visit the offending blog, we were a bit devious about getting his to think about stopping doing it…
http://blogdoikee.blogspot.com/2008/04/eagles-1976-hotel-california-01-hotel.html
Tee hee hee.
April 9th, 2008
Here I present the first (and possibly only, who knows) two comics in the thrilling and stupidly-longly-named comic series…
The Exciting Adventures of Chris in the Mighty Metropolis (where Chris is played by a cheese in a top hat)
 
February 16th, 2008
I know, I know, its taken me ages, blah blah.
But now…. I proudly present to you:
THE BOOK
Enjoy…
February 4th, 2008
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