Posts filed under 'Rants'
This is boring. Katie Melua is so boring that she doesn’t even deserve to be called ‘she’ anymore. Therefore she will be referred to as ‘it’ because it’s that boring. Look at it, even it looks half-bored in this picture as it blands out another blandy ballad about bicycles and trains and crazies. You can see the intensity in its face, trying to muster all the bland in the world so it can toss off another ten songs and stick them out on a cd.
Although if you think it’s bad think how being Norah Jones must be like…
 
Â
August 26th, 2006
I want Wobbly Dog, I want Flat Kitty…
I want Wobbly Dog, I want Flat Kitty…
(Altogether now)
August 22nd, 2006
This picture is part of a feature for my geeky roads site that is in production and hasn’t been put online yet:
This makes it a world exclusive.
I was thinking today about what a limp concept a world exclusive is. It basically just means something new. Everything goes through a stage where only a few people have seen it before lots of other people do. At the moment, this post is a world exclusive to me.
Even better is the idea of a private performance (sometimes disguised as a private screening or a secret gig). I have a private performance world exclusive every time I have a piss. That specific whizz has never been seen anywhere in the world before and I am the only person who gets to see it.
If I was Pete Doherty people would queue round the block to see that.
This means two things as far as I can see:
- Virtually everything on Pouring Beans has been a world exclusive. We have been underselling ourselves.
- I am so glad I’m not Pete Doherty. When I take a leak I like to do so in private.
August 22nd, 2006
This: 
 is apparently a Red Delicious apple.
I have 2 problems with this.
1: Its more maroon than red (picky I know)
2: More importantly, ITS NOT DELICIOUS! goddam
The sticker told me it was sweet and juicy. More lies.
Just thought you’d like to know.
PS: Buy Royal Gala Apples!
August 17th, 2006
So I’ve got 20 minutes of edited video footage of our gay weekend together (ho ho ho, sailor). What do you mackers want to do with it? It’s too big for YouTube.
I can squish it down to the size of a 10p piece and upload it to a server somewhere (like mine) so you can download it and pump your ass full of its Newcastle charms. Or I can just burn it onto a CD and send it to you like the bitch it is.
Hey you, Kev! Where’s that book?
July 8th, 2006
Can I just say that Feeder suck ass so much that even if they brush their teeth a million times a day and wash their mouthes out with cider they can still taste the shit.
 That is all.
June 25th, 2006
As a country we are not known for our fantastic weather, you do not hear the sun drenched chaps of southern france saying “You know what I fed up of the weather round here, lets visit England”, and do you know why? Because our weather sucks.
Now we’ve established that it should be fair to assume that as a nation we should be used to bad weather and especially rain. Lots of rain. It rains lots here (Unless you live down south, hee hee standpipes), its cold and generally not reet gud. Soooo. On to the point. Why… when it rains do England’s roads grind to a horrible depressing standstill??? The reason for this rant as you may have guessed is because i have just been caught in such a situation. This morning it took me 65 minutes, (thats a whole 5 minutes more than an hour!), to make a journey that usually takes 35 minutes. You want to know why? Probably not, but I’m going to tell you anyway… because the people of engalnd inexplicable becoume mushy brained morons at the first sign of moist air. Thats why.
Why do we need flashy signs telling us to do 40 mph on the motorway? Spray? Isn’t that what windscreen wipers are for? or am I being naieve? OK so its not safe to be bombing along at 90 in the wet, cos brakes and grip aren’t as good but 40? On a motorway? And that brings me to another point… why is it that when there is a temporary speed limit in force does there always seem to be someone in front who like to do 10mph LESS than the already unnecessarily low limit, usually a beige volvo being driven by colin with his driving gloves and flat cap on?
I guess what I’m getting at is IF YOU CANT DRIVE IN THE RAIN THEN YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE A DRIVING LICENCE. Why should my journey take me nearly twice as long because you’re scared of getting water on your windscreen. If you MUST drive then use the smaller routes to drive at 4mph not the motorway… Leave that to people who have brains.
ahem.
May 22nd, 2006
Next Posts
