Archive for November, 2007
Hello, my name is Mr Smudgey and I am here to prove to you and everyone else watching that I am the most famous man on the planet at this very point in time. It was close recently as there was a man who balanced bananas on his nose as he read Shakespeare to a bottle-nose dolphin in a telephone box but that was just a rumour. It is time for another reference point so you bask in my celebrity status.
Point Number Two – hiding in the background of the sleeve for the Eagles album ‘Hotel California’.
It’s a bit hard to make out in this but I’m climbing the third tree from the left. I was staying in the hotel across the road which was aptly named ‘Hotel Opposite’. In between my early morning sessions of fung shui and that weird sh*t people do on big lawns I thought it would be a good laugh to look for coconuts. It was only when I looked down to see some idiot with a camera that I panicked, let go of the trunk and fell to the ground. The picture, mfwah mfwah, doesn’t reveal the fact that I spent three months in traction because of it.
I denied all knowledge of this particular exposure because, well, the Eagles suck d*ck big time. I am on a quest for status though so I must lay these demons to rest and own up. Hey, I’ve done worse things.
November 27th, 2007
What could it mean? What on earth could it mean? It doesn’t mean anything yet and that’s a tragic fact. By one little twist of fate, this wonderful word was never invented and has no meaning and nobody to use it.
Today, my friends, we will wright that wrong. We will give DESTICUTION a meaning.
Question is… what is it?
Desticution (n.)
The horror felt when something particularly cute is destroyed in a very horrible accident.
Put your thinking cap on and see if your brain can do better. Word.
November 26th, 2007
Hey, where’s the book that we all so lovingly (including Reuben) tore ourselves apart to complete when you visited? Is it not ready for scanning yet?
My loins are rumbling from the impendingness of it all.
November 26th, 2007
Alright gimme a second to catch my breath.
*fake breathing noises*
Did you know that… never mind I’ll tell you later. Those damn Jam Pandas have taken over my myspace page :O they were a bit rowdy when I got them home but when I opened my bag out they whooshed and before you could say, “how on earth can fictional children’s characters come into the real world?” they had locked me up in a cupboard. By the time Audrey saved me (she was looking for the step ladder) they had changed my log in password and now I can’t get back in. They keep posting bulletins about the bloody time, I look a right numpty.
Hi Marshall. You have *sings* NO IDEA *ends singing* what I’m talking about and that’s probably for the best 🙂 it’s all faux shizzel.
November 13th, 2007
Hello, my name is Mr Smudgey and I am here to prove to you and everyone else watching that I am the most famous man on the planet at this very point in time. Wait… no it’s still me. Tom Cruise was close there. You may think you don’t know who I am but boy is that going to change. To prove my point I am going to show you all the various sources of my hidden exposure and bring them to the surface for everyone to see. That way I can be praised for the future A-lister I am.
Point Number One – referred to in the song ‘Mad World’ by Tears for Fears and then later sung by some burk in a flat cap.
“I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad,
 These dreams of Mr Smudgey are the best I ever had”
Hand over the royalties Roland whatsisface, I was clearly the inspiration for that song and without me it would have disappeared without a trace. People secretly bought it for the reference to me. Don’t bother with a cheque just leave a small suitcase outside my basement bedroom window, but make sure you don’t wake my parents up!
November 6th, 2007
It would be easy for me to sit here and dismiss Nigella Lawson as the lemon-cooking, denim-jacket-wearing, sh*t-talking toff that she is and I think seeing as I’ve nothing better to do I shall.
Audrey is quite fanatical about her recipes. I have tasted the gubbins and the gubbins were good although I think it had more to do with Auds rather than the original chef. Nigella lives with her non-existant husband in what can only be described as the biggest house in Christendom. Her larder is bigger than our entire kitchen. her daily life consists of taking taxis to and from Sainsburys before going home, cooking for five minutes (it’s called ‘Nigella Express’ after all) and then spending the rest of the day sitting smugly in front of her laptop. Smug doesn’t even come close actually. She is unparalled in her smugness almost to the point where I’d rather eat tulips than check to see if her nipples are showing through whatever piece of fancy free she’s decided to cook in today.
Don’t you judge me!
Anyone who can say things like, “modestly bulging crescents” and, “glorious mounds” clearly needs a huge slap around the chops with the biggest loin in reach. Please, anyone within spitting distance, this would be gratefully appreciated.
November 5th, 2007
I use some words that I don’t actually know the meaning of. Or I vaguely know what they’re about but I couldn’t really explain it to you. Like…
SHEMP
or
PARADIGM
The first one seems to be something to do with a bad stand-in, in a movie, or something. If I call a bad actor a “shemp” it sometimes goes down well. Whereas you can say that someone whose opinions have changed has had a “paradigm shift”. I don’t know what the word means but I can use it.
By these means, and also with smoke and mirrors, I make myself look clever.
November 2nd, 2007