Archive for April, 2009
I’ve worked out what we’re missing here at Da Beans. We’re like a glossy magazine, full of interesting articles and views. But we don’t have a nice page where you can sit down with a warm beverage and a pen and stretch your brain muscles.
That’s why I have put together the first Beans Quiz Page. Enjoy!
Numbersearch
2 4 6 3 5 7 8 9
2 9 2 3 9 7 4 2
7 2 3 3 0 4 5 2
1 9 2 5 8 4 6 6
7 2 1 1 9 3 1 5
Find the following: 1925, 7051, 8095, 79329, 20082555.
General knowledge quiz
- What is the world’s biggest shape?
- Who invented tortoises?
- Where is red kept?
- How many lemons are there?
- Fourteen?
Join the dots
. …. . .. …. .. .. ….. . . …… .. . ….. . . … … … …. .. .
. ….. . : … .. : …….. : ………. . . . .. . . . . . .. …. … ..
Answers are on the other side of this page.
April 27th, 2009
Following on from last month’s piece about moody badgers this week we are looking at the damage that drunk owls are having not on their natural habit and the English countryside but also on society itself.
Owls. Easy to spell and say, but if you were one and you were drunk could you still manage? A recent poll discovered that 87% of owls spent more than five days a week getting hammered. The question is why? As an animal their lives are so free of stress it’s utterly insane to try and reason with the facts, that is until you bury beneath the surface of what was once nature’s Bank Holiday Weekend Megasale. We spoke to an owl who wishes to remain anonymous.
“I… I don’t want to but I can’t help myself. It’s all too much. The mouses and the flying and the dark. I woke up this morning and pissed on a sheep. D’ya know what that does to a person? I hate eating toast when the butter goes runny. Idiots. All of them. God, it’s warm in here. Sorta funky like. Can you smell that?”
It would be fair to say that I’ve spent hours more productively than during that interview. It would also be fair to say that since the invention of the owl nothing has propelled them into the forefront of the media than the day JK Rowling took up a pen and starting twiddling it across paper. The Harry Potter books more than quadrupled the interest in owls. My son, Archie, didn’t know what colour owls were until then. He thought they were purple. I explained that he was thinking of a beetroot and we both felt much better after that.
Across the night mice are cheering because their once deadly predators are struggling to undo their trousers let alone try and catch them. Mice populations are tumbling out of control, like an owl after a crate of gin. Local government watchdogs in Surrey have tried to set up AA Meetings with little success, having made the bad decision to hold the meetings across the road from three pubs and the country’s largest keg of ale. Can anything be done to salvage the honour of this once majestic bird?
April 27th, 2009
The Not Report was not an idea by Christopher J Marshall and written by Ian P McIver from a task created by Christopher J Marshall during a conversation with Ian P McIver.
You will not get the chance to read about my fruitless efforts at trying to get a new life in the space of a few days, nor will you see the whole thing set out in a pleasing format.
Date: 20th April 2009
Subject: The Not Report
Writer: Ian “Mac Mac Mac Mac” McIver
The Not Report
The Assignment: To try and get a new job and a new girlfriend by close of business on 20th April 2009.
Equipment: One not attractive nor interesting twenty-five year old man, not a whole world out there waiting to be infiltrated by a budding singleton and not the population of Newcastle.
Method: The acquisition of a new life (those parts being further employment and a “better half”.
Report: Upon receipt of the initial instructions I did not take it upon myself to set out the goals that I was trying to achieve. As well as this I did not take the time to spend any time looking in the right places for love that generally include local bars, pubs and dating websites. After the first day I did not think about what I was trying to do. After the second day I also did not think about what I was trying to do. Approaching the end of the weekend I did not actually leave the house other than to take my respective son, aka The Chop, back to his proper home over in Throckley.
At the beginning of today I did not check any job websites nor obtain the jobs paper that is issued weekly on a Thursday in the Tyne and Wear area.
As a result of this it appears as though I not only did not get the new job I was hoping for but I am not attached, nor in a relationship with, nor have any prospects with the opposite sex.
Here is a collection of photos I did not take to further explain my predicament.
Conclusion: Not doing things is not the right way to go about problems.
April 22nd, 2009
A stupid ginger appears. He sees an advertisement that says if you give someone your phone they will give you money for it. He goes looking for his old phone in his attic and surprisingly it is propped up handily, waiting to be plucked from what looks like a plant pot. The stupid ginger chuckles to himself. He checks the website and chuckles again. Minutes later he receives a cheque for £32.00 meaning this money will go to him for being stupid and not selling his phone on Ebay like everyone else does.
I love television me.
April 12th, 2009
I knew it.
It was as if it came to me in a a dream, but not really a dream. A sort of fluffy dream cloud, like a dream, where it rested in my ears and settled like snow on a quilted meadowtop. In any case I have found conclusive proof that somebody, someone, a certain person predicted the glocal recession YEARS before. Oh yes, after much digging and deliberation I can reveal that that person is… Shania Twain.
Oh you may scoff like the rest of them did but here’s the proof chummies. Read these lyrics from her multi-award-winning best-single-ever song ‘Ka-Ching’:
“We’ve created us a credit card mess
We spend the money we don’t possess
Our religion is to go and blow it all
So it’s shopping every Sunday at the mall.”
And:
“When you’re broke go and get a loan
Take out another mortgage on your home
Consolidate so you can afford
To go an spend some more when you get bored.”
See? This was back in 2003. I didn’t see U2 or Bob Geldof grabbing a microphone and trying to warn us but she had the foresight. Even though the song was shit she dared to stand up and predict the future. Madam, I gesticulate in your general direction.
April 9th, 2009
Greetings. Doctor Humphrey Bumfrey, MD, here. I have come to deliver a report on the state of Da Beans. My findings are as follows.
Slump in posting figures
The early days of Da Beans saw exceptionally high posting volumes, with up to 30 posts per month. In the last year this has tailed off. I used science and chemicals and that to find the following causes for the tailing off in posting volumes.
- Chris’s maudlin state of mind. Finding himself involuntarily in a much changed and confusing personal situation Chris was in no mood for hiliarity for large parts of last year, and found his creative mojo somewhat lacking.
- Kev’s business plan. Swapping his future career path at short notice from low-key IT professional to something modelled more on Sir Alan Sugar, Kev’s keen desire to flog bit of wire and plastic IT peripheral tat to the masses reduced the amount of time he could devote to the site.
- Something to do with Ian, though he’s a bit of a constant really isn’t he.
Recovery in postings
April 2009 has been one of the healthiest months on record so far and it is safe to say that Da Beans is now off the critical list, though it shouldn’t remove the bandages just yet. This graph (shown right, right?) shows how the red line has gone up from left to right over a period of time. Through psychic assistance and with a bold pioneering spirit within my heart I divined the following reasons.
- Chris’s increasingly upbeat posture mentally speaking.
- Kev’s guilt for not having been around much lately.
- Ian’s keenness to write new stuff, starting with bits and pieces of Beansness.
I am therefore delighted to award Da Beans a Certificate of Hooray Well Done. Congratulations!
April 7th, 2009
Quaff. I am Quaff. Quaff is the future, everything else is the past.
Quaff has taken the medium of everything and turned it on its head, leaving a small puddle. It is from this puddle that the original ideas that Quaff has developed come from. Quaff will one day dominate the world and everyone, from the smallest glint in their parents’ eyes to the tallest man with a chunky face, will know the name Quaff.
Leave a note for your brain to take note at the lessons you will learn from Quaff.
Quaff.
April 7th, 2009
Here’s my calendar picture for this month.
I’m inside the building on the left, on the second floor, in a room at the back, wearing stockings, suspenders and a pair of Daffy Duck boxer shorts that are rather figure-hugging.
April 4th, 2009
People are being put under increasing pressure to buy carbonated soft drinks, a recent study has revealed.
Men and women between the ages of 21 and 47 are having their co-workers, bosses and relative unknowns come up to them in the work place and force them to buy numerous canned beverages. The phenomena, known as ‘Can Bullying’, originated from the US but has found its way into UK via a series of carefully administrated plastic straws across the Atlantic.
George Loft, head of BIW (Bullying Is Wrong), has commented, “This is unacceptable, totally unacceptable. I myself have suffered ‘Can Bullying’ first hand and the immense pressure is truly frightening. People have to know that this is out there and it can affect you. The forty-eight year olds should be thanking their lucky stars.”
Victims have said that it will start off with a simple conversation but suddenly turns sour. The bully will then continue to repeat the same lines over and over again, usually asking whether the person would like a drink or not. They refuse to leave until the victim has given in and handed over the correct change for which the bully will then vacate the area and return with a cold infusion of some sort, mostly carbonated and made of vegtables.
Government Watchdogs have refused to comment, although they probably wouldn’t have told us anything anyway.
April 1st, 2009
