Newsboost Zoom Flume – Nature Special
April 27th, 2009
Following on from last month’s piece about moody badgers this week we are looking at the damage that drunk owls are having not on their natural habit and the English countryside but also on society itself.
Owls. Easy to spell and say, but if you were one and you were drunk could you still manage? A recent poll discovered that 87% of owls spent more than five days a week getting hammered. The question is why? As an animal their lives are so free of stress it’s utterly insane to try and reason with the facts, that is until you bury beneath the surface of what was once nature’s Bank Holiday Weekend Megasale. We spoke to an owl who wishes to remain anonymous.
“I… I don’t want to but I can’t help myself. It’s all too much. The mouses and the flying and the dark. I woke up this morning and pissed on a sheep. D’ya know what that does to a person? I hate eating toast when the butter goes runny. Idiots. All of them. God, it’s warm in here. Sorta funky like. Can you smell that?”
It would be fair to say that I’ve spent hours more productively than during that interview. It would also be fair to say that since the invention of the owl nothing has propelled them into the forefront of the media than the day JK Rowling took up a pen and starting twiddling it across paper. The Harry Potter books more than quadrupled the interest in owls. My son, Archie, didn’t know what colour owls were until then. He thought they were purple. I explained that he was thinking of a beetroot and we both felt much better after that.
Across the night mice are cheering because their once deadly predators are struggling to undo their trousers let alone try and catch them. Mice populations are tumbling out of control, like an owl after a crate of gin. Local government watchdogs in Surrey have tried to set up AA Meetings with little success, having made the bad decision to hold the meetings across the road from three pubs and the country’s largest keg of ale. Can anything be done to salvage the honour of this once majestic bird?
Entry Filed under: Ian,Loins,Quite nice
16 Comments
1. Kevil | April 27th, 2009 at 10:06
How about vouchers for free coffee?
2. Chris | April 27th, 2009 at 13:19
Gin-flavoured coffee.
3. Kevil | April 27th, 2009 at 14:18
Gin-flavoured Coffee in pint glasses
4. Kevil | April 27th, 2009 at 17:12
That or we could give them all sharp suits. Its hard to look bad in a sharp suit.
5. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | April 28th, 2009 at 08:35
I think the word gin has just overtaken the word loins as most used word this century on da beans. Still, it was bound to happen sooner or later.
6. Chris | April 28th, 2009 at 12:01
Loins loins loins.
I’m kickin’ it for the loins!
7. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | April 29th, 2009 at 08:50
Yes yes that’s the spirit.
Here come the loins (loins, loins, loins loins).
Here come the loins (loins, loins, loins loins).
8. Chris | April 29th, 2009 at 15:38
I’m rockin’ out to those loin-shaped apples. Crunchy, sweet, juicy and with just a hint of tang. Those are the sort of apples I’d use to demonstrate the epitome of appledom to someone who hadn’t experienced fruit before.
9. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | April 30th, 2009 at 08:08
Apples shaped like loins… I didn’t think I could imagine those, but then I did, and life was good.
Thrust. Thrust. Thrust.
10. Kevil | April 30th, 2009 at 14:02
Papples
11. Ian Mac Mac Mac Mac McIver | May 5th, 2009 at 06:57
Let’s not forget that papples and pap apples are one and the same. If you do, well then, bully for you!
12. Chris | May 6th, 2009 at 20:07
Bully for ME!
13. Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver | May 6th, 2009 at 20:33
No. Bully for ME!
14. Kevil | May 7th, 2009 at 14:21
Stop it now, you’ll make Timbers Lee angry.
15. Chris | May 7th, 2009 at 17:51
Not Timbers! Bully for him, definitely, if it keeps him quiet.
16. Ian "Mac Mac Mac Mac" McIver | May 16th, 2009 at 23:50
As long as Timb Urs Leigh doesn’t find out. Hell of a temper.