Right ladies and gentlemen here we have a lovely piece of meat. There is no two ways about it this is a fine specimen of pork. It came from one of Prince Underhand-Overwood’s very own swines which, as you are all aware, are widely regarded as the world’s best pigs.
Hand-reared, Sussex-bred, swill-fed and R’n’B-raised Snorkers as he came to be known loved John Lee Hooker, early Who singles and most Northern Soul. Rarely was he seen without his trademark sunglasses and picturesque ironic porkpie hat.
Who will start the bidding at ten pounds?
September 30th, 2009
The following documents are the minutes of a top secret meeting and should be treated as such.
(Me and Ian are secret agents right?)
Continue Reading September 24th, 2009
This morning I woke up and I decided to lie in bed a little bit longer before I got up at my usual time. My usual time is 8:12 because I like the even numbers. If I wake up at an odd numbered time I immediately close my eyes and pretend to sleep until the time flashes to an even number, than I wake up. Titter titter.
For breakfast I put two pieces of bread into the toaster and heated them up until they weren’t white anymore. Only two minutes and out they came, brown as brown, hot and toasted somewhat. After opening the fridge I decided upon two different spreads for my toast; butter and jam. It was a tough choice between strawberry and blackberry but in the end strawberry won for the following reasons:
1) it has strawberries in itÂ
2) it tastes like strawberries and
3) the other one doesn’t have strawberries in it
I put the layer of butter on before the strawberry jam because that is very important. If you don’t put the butter on first then it goes very wrong. I spent several minutes deciding whether or not to remove the crusts from the pieces of toast eventually ending on the decision to leave them on because my hair is already curly and anymore curliness won’t damage my hair. I then moved my attentions to the kettle where I stood for the next hour…
(to continue at a time when it becomes more exciting)
September 22nd, 2009
As it happens, before any of us have realised, we are hurtling towards Christmas on a broken truck with three wheels, two gears and a wing mirror covered in toffee. Did you like that? You can sing it if you want to.
In order to really get into the spirit I have devised a new concept that can neatly fit into most of the ideas I come up with as well as sparking up a few imaginative pennies along the way. I am currently in the process of writing a Gangster Christmas Album and was wondering if you would like to contribute. Obviously beneath the violence, the swearing, the carnage and the chaos there will be heartfelt tales of shopping and families as that’s what Christmas is all about, right?
I’m pulling in a few guest collaborators to help with the music but any song lyrics, titles, ideas or anything like that would be gratefully acknowledged. You can also help with the tunes too. There are no boundaries when it comes to Festive Hip Hop.
September 14th, 2009
Bought me a cat and the cat pleased me,
I fed my cat under yonder tree.
Cat goes fiddle-i-fee.
Bought me a hen and the hen pleased me,
I fed my hen under yonder tree.
Hen goes chimmy-chuck, chimmy-chuck,
Cat goes fiddle-i-fee.
Bought me a duck and the duck pleased me,
I fed my duck under yonder tree.
Duck goes quack, quack,
Hen goes chimmy-chuck, chimmy-chuck,
Cat goes fiddle-i-fee.
Bought me a goose and the goose pleased me
I fed my goose under yonder tree.
Goose goes hissy, hissy,
Duck goes quack, quack,
Hen goes chimmy-chuck, chimmy-chuck,
Cat goes fiddle-i-fee.
Bought me a sheep and the sheep pleased me,
I fed my sheep under yonder tree.
Sheep goes baa, baa,
Goose goes hissy, hissy,
Duck goes quack, quack,
Hen goes chimmy-chuck, chimmy-chuck,
Cat goes fiddle-i-fee.
Bought me a pig and the pig pleased me,
I fed my pig under yonder tree.
Pig goes oink, oink,
Sheep goes baa, baa,
Goose goes hissy, hissy,
Duck goes quack, quack,
Hen goes chimmy-chuck, chimmy-chuck,
Cat goes fiddle-i-fee.
Bought me a cow and the cow pleased me,
I fed my cow under yonder tree.
Cow goes moo, moo,
Pig goes oink, oink,
Sheep goes baa, baa,
Goose goes hissy, hissy,
Duck goes quack, quack,
Hen goes chimmy-chuck, chimmy-chuck,
Cat goes fiddle-i-fee.
Bought me a horse and the horse pleased me,
I fed my horse under yonder tree.
Horse goes neigh, neigh,
Cow goes moo, moo,
Pig goes oink, oink,
Sheep goes baa, baa,
Goose goes hissy, hissy,
Duck goes quack, quack,
Hen goes chimmy-chuck, chimmy-chuck,
Cat goes fiddle-i-fee.
Bought me a dog and the dog pleased me,
I fed my dog under yonder tree.
Dog goes bow-wow, bow-wow,
Horse goes neigh, neigh,
Cow goes moo, moo,
Pig goes oink, oink,
Sheep goes baa, baa,
Goose goes hissy, hissy,
Duck goes quack, quack,
Hen goes chimmy-chuck, chimmy-chuck,
Cat goes fiddle-i-fee.
September 8th, 2009
I have to say it. It has been burning a hole in my face for some time now and it’s too much. If I don’t let it all out I will surely end up a crust of a man, a shallow bed and breakfast at the end of the country serving hot oil instead of coffee and making toast out of tyres. Something like that.
I FEEL OPPRESSED GENTLEMEN!
You see me, right, I am one, right? As a person I am one person therefore I am one. You see the world, right? The world is like six billion or so, I don’t know the exact figures. So, with this in mind, one up against six billion is not only bad, possibly terrible odds but also horribly oppressive. I feel oppressed by the whole world.
How’d you like them apples?
September 3rd, 2009