Beware!
2 comments January 12th, 2011 Ian
She’s Not Fit (And The Musics Sh*t)
What with it being 2011 it seemed as though a few items needed a re-boot for no apparent reason other than everything else, eventually, gets a re-boot. Look at Battlestar Gallactica. Look at Spiderman. The fact is that we need to keep up with the swingers and the shakers.
So welcome to the newly establishment b*astardised sibling of comfy beans confident ‘She’s Fit (But The Musics Sh*t) now specialising in ultimate horror and abject tirades against those who somehow sneak through the gaps of life, make a name for themselves with some pap they came up with on the bus and cash in until the cow runs dry. Who better to start us off with than Florence Welch of album re-releasing mega-whores Florence and the Machine.
I have never liked them. When they first came out they seemed all happy and dreamlike and they pranced away in the corner away from my eyes, which I was more than contented with. They released single after single which, depressingly, even from my viewpoint, sounded very similar with accompanying music videos which seemed to highlight the fact that 1) their singer was a girl and 2) their singer was ginger. The album was released to critical acclaim as if kooky female singers were somehow a rarity in this day and age. Then however came the crown turd in the lunchbox.
A cover. A single. Run into the ground like a parched wizard looking for water. Everywhere you went you couldn’t escape the tiresome opening line of, “Sometimes I feel like holding my hands up in the air…”. I quite liked the original and it didn’t deserve any of this. Wave after wave kept hitting you in the face until the album was released again with this guff, then again as a limited edition box set, then again to incorporate even more tracks. The whole point of a box set is that it gives you a wide berth of the artist’s music and not the same ten or so songs over and over again live, acoustically and then demoed. It’s just stupid and I know it will have been the record company behind this but even so there is a line.
Then to make matters worse she started believing her own hype and you could find her draped over anything within a 50 mile radius of yourself warbling out in front of a crowd of a couple of thousand. I can only hope that, like Sandi Thom, she will be ousted out of the public eye as soon as possible. Even Gaga has a couple of tunes. This is just terrible.
January 11th, 2011 Ian
Rap That Up (To Go)
All you Papples fans out there will probably be very excited to hear that at some point in 2011 not only will a new Papples album surface but also a thrilling new project featuring long-time scientist, full-time alchemist, solicitor and lawyer Kevin Hill.
Currently nine or so tracks have been written and they will be in a completely different direction to the first two albums. Fear not though, they still retain the warmth, lyrical intensity coupled with timeless tunes you all know and love.
We are all very giddy at Pap HQ to unleash this behemoth upon the unsuspecting now suspecting world.
Further updates will follow.
2 comments January 10th, 2011 Ian
New Year, New Stock
So you’re living in a chilly wasteland of a VAT increase coupled with a lack of funds because you’re stretching your money over some horrific five week period because they paid you early for Christmas which, at the time, seemed like a good idea but then again it always does because your pay overlaps with the previous months and you look like you have several more clams than you really do.
It might be that way, or on the other hand you might not.
If you sit firmly in the latter camp then what you need are SEVERAL of the NEW lines of Smoochies Inc MERCHANDISE about to HIT the FLOOR. Not only have they disregarded the global economic collapse but they have upped their prices too. How do you like them apples? Welcome to the money-spinning ‘Out Of This World’ collection of tat.
Do you have one of those inconsiderate friends who has “everything”? Shove one of these in their gobs. With the ‘Moon on a Stick’ lollipop you can have a pop at their expense as well as silence. The ‘MoaS’ lollipop is designed to occupy the entirety of the mouthal region to ensure no noise can escape through into your ear holes.
Stuck on what to get the kids when they next freak out? Buy the new and exciting board game ‘Around The Houses’. What starts off as a simple trip to the shops suddenly turns into a long and lengthy journey as roadworks, traffic jams and pensioners stand in your way of getting back home. With six amazing levels of play you will marvel at how much you were shafted on the price.
For tiny children why not opt for our ‘Bells and Whistles’ campaign which is seeking to supply every small person in the United Kingdom with either a bell or a whistle. Children should be heard, very very loudly.
Turn to page 799 in your Smoochies Inc catalogue for more information.
January 6th, 2011 Ian
Dappy Crew Jeer
So…
I was hoping to make the first post of the year a ceremoniously amazing photo of us all as Lego men but due to the fact that Audrey appears to have left the camera in a bag and thrown it into her wardrobe we don’t know where the chuffer is. I managed to take a shufftie shufftie one on my phone but alas despite messing around for half an hour I am still in the dark about how to turn on the Bluetooth on the strange netbook effort.
So…
What this merely demonstrates is my inability to plan ahead and to use devices of a technical nature. My language however is somewhat still at the same basic level as a chimpanzee; go me.
So…
Here’s to the year of twenty lemons!
January 4th, 2011 Ian
Chris-mish Merry Mish-mas
It’s a little late in the morning…
We should have officially finished work at 10 but things overlapped somewhat. Needless to say I struggled with the bare minimum of simple tasks, such as filing papers away. I’m glad all I have to do is sit here now and then endure a short bus ride home.
Merry Christmas empty room!
December 24th, 2010 Ian
Did You Know Where I Came From?
I think it’s only fair to let everyone know, and when I say everyone currently I just mean Kev, that I am not the original Ian McIver. I am in fact a sequel to myself, a sequel to the original McIver who came before me, but who also was me. It gets even more complicated when I say that the original McIver wasn’t a human but he was in fact a radiator.
When I was first “born” I was created in a factory because I was a radiator. For the first thirteen years of my life I was installed in a strip club in one of the nicer areas of London where beautiful semi-naked women would rest their booties on me to keep them warm during the winter months. It was agony during the spring and the summer unless a particularly nasty cold spell meant they needed my assistance. Unfortunately this was not to last.
For the next thirteen years of my life, when the strip club was closed down on indecency chrges, I was placed in an old people’s home in Coventry. It can only be described as the biggest test of anyone’s patience imaginable. The horrors that took place there I will never speak of again (until someone pays me to write my memoirs). Want a sample? Two words: wrinkly bottoms.
It was then that I was signed up for another thirteen year stretch in another part of the world. I would have done anything to get out of there. It became apparent though that in my desperation to escape I did not check the fine print on the piece of paper. I have signed up to radiate the sea underwater; unfortunately the thirteen years didn’t pan out quite as successfully though as I suffocated after 98 seconds.
Look how I turned out though!
2 comments December 22nd, 2010 Ian
Christmas Tash
This is what happens when one person has access to Photoshop and nobody else in the firm does:
December 21st, 2010 Ian
Kevil
Not only is Kevin Hill a somewhat attactive single lawyer looking after a baby in some rubbish TV show in America but he is also working in three firms of solicitors in two separate locations:
How he manages all this and looks after his dog-grooming salon I will never know.
December 16th, 2010 Ian