Okay, so I had some oranges before I went to bed last night. I can only presume this is why I had such strange dreams. It was as follows:
“I was back in Garforth and I was on my way to see alt-Americana heroes My Morning Jacket who were playing up towards Castleford. Instead of getting a lift or catching the bus I jumped on a lorry which was going in the same direction, and who should be driving the lorry but Josh Homme and the rest of the Queens of the Stone Age. I hid at the back, not wanting to get in the way, and when we eventually got to the venue through what seemed like acres and acres of winding roads I immediately ran up to Mr Homme and asked if I could buy a vinyl copy of their last album ‘Era Vulgaris’. What he was clutching, however, was a vinyl copy of their second album pressed between three other records I couldn’t make out. He told me that he was saving this for someone else and disappeared inside.
The venue must have been a barn or something, albeit one with a tiny stage at the front and a small bar with merchandise at the back. I asked if they had any copies of ‘Era Vulgaris’ but unfortunately they did not. I then realised I had lost my ticket but as I was already inside didn’t worry about that fact too much. Noel Fielding was there. I asked to buy a small Dime bar to use as a comedy moustache and after much badgering the brunette behind the bar agreed to sell this to me because she was tired of my conversation.”
Then I woke up. I can understand about the Dime Bar but not much else. Both of you have degrees in Dreamology; what does it mean?
April 6th, 2010
Ian
BOOM!
March 27th, 2010
Kevil
It is with deep and sorrowful regret that I must inform the world of the imminent closure of Jerry Loinsford’s Loinsford Academy. Despite trying to struggle with modern times and the recession it has unfortunately taken its toll on one of life’s great survivors. Jerry Loinsford, owner, founder and discoverer of many hidden secrets that you and I will never know about, is trying to stay optimistic about the news.
“It’s a shame yes but the same thing happened in 1987 and we came back stronger than ever after that! It’s just at this point in time the Academy is no longer needed, and I fully accept that. One of these days though when you least expect it we will return, like a tidal wave to the face!”
He then picked himself up by the seat of his pants and left through a gap in the sky.
Each of the remaining students has had their fees returned along with a signed copy of Mr Loinsford’s latest collection of poetry entitled ‘Loinsfully Yours: In And Out Like A Rushed Job’. Copies have been trading on Ebay for up to seven days with no buyers.
March 26th, 2010
Ian
So, as it goes, that Geordies start and end sentences with the same words, I decided to call an emergency luncheon with two gentlemen to try and stop the slide of pouringbeans.com into obscurity.
“Mr Brek,” I shouted across the room, and immediately he saw who and what my purpose was, “over here,” I continued and then I added, “you div!” to which he burst into laughter like a raptor. When the tears had subsided we sat down and ordered two plates of coffee and half a bagel of juice. The morning was spiffing and all the more for it because it was breakfast. We engaged in idle banter whilst waiting for the third of our party to arrive and he did, as always, struggling to stand up with a girl on each arm. “Mr Charms,” I ordered like a whistle in a pantry, “over here,” and that is where I left my chant.
He stumbled up, rested his head on his hands and slurred nonsense for the next twenty minutes. We could always see through the facade – why bother? He’s clearly not what we’re looking for. Nonetheless his company was appreciated. When the cutlery was cleared away we had forgotten the reason for coming and said adieu in the nicest possible way that didn’t involve cider.
March 23rd, 2010
Ian
I have been abroad and I am now back, having been places and seen things. Some of the things I saw, I took pictures of, like this happy lump of snow:
And this remarkably positive graffiti:
I am now at home again. Thus ends my tale. (Though I skipped the bit where I had a run in with the police and am saving it for my autobiography.)
March 17th, 2010
Chris
You heard me.
March 16th, 2010
Kevil
This morning I had a shower and it was excellent. I am going to tell you about it.
My shower, right, is a thing in my bathroom where hot water comes out and makes me less dirty. This morning I adjusted the settings and made it hotter than I normally have it.
It was ACE. It was rather a lot like a volcano, but a ceiling-mounted volcano where it’s above you and the stuff is all coming downwards. And instead of a cone of ignacious rock protruding from a zone of geological instability close to the margins of tectonic plates, it was more like a plastic shower head mounted on the wall. And where the hot, burning lava and pyroclastic flow would be on a normal volcano was actually just fairly hot water, not hot enough to burn or otherwise damage human skin on contact.
That was what my shower was like this morning. The towel was green.
February 3rd, 2010
Chris
Right. You lot (and this includes me)….
You have a website here, which lets you rant, rave, share crap, post things and generally put stuff on the interwebs in the vein hope that someone else reads/laughs at/will ever see/care in the slightest about it.
We have all long neglected this power (let’s call it a power) for far too long. The incessant December based ramblings of a certain member of the group seems to have left all of us a little disenfranchised with the whole thing. This cannot be allowed to go on much longer. I am fearful that a drought of posts lasting too long will allow the weight leaning against the Character Hatch (TM) to crumble and let the Saint King back in. And nobody wants that now do they?
Right now, in this, My first post of 2010, I call upon you all (again, myself included) to get your creative bits off their internal brain sofas and get posting…
PouringBeans.com needs you!
<use freshly awoken creative juices to insert picture of mustache adorned man pointing and scowling here>
January 31st, 2010
Kevil
The onslaught from the severe weather that has hit the country within the last 28 days has been immense. There have been schools closed, roads paved with ice, power shortages, electrical problems, endless panic buying, people pushed to their limits. It has been the the freeziest and worst December / January for a long time.
Luckily London has not been affected by any of this. We spoke to fashion guru and local MP Quaff for the reasons behind this.
“London is the centre of everything. Everything revolves around London. I have always lived in London because London has always been here, for me and for many others. If I were to leave London it would only be to travel around the world and return to London, on the same flight, possibly the same plane, so London would have a fresher taste when I gazed upon her sweet, sweet enclosures.”
5 minutes later.
“London is as London does. You think you’ve done something new? You think you’ve found something undiscovered? No. No you haven’t. London has discovered it first. That’s what it’s called Lon-done. It’s done, all done. London did it before you. Don’t try to steal it from London!”
Another 5 minutes later.
“So you see, it comes back to London. Everyone comes back to London. She is the sweetest flower in the pack, the tastiest bone in the kennel, the juciest plumbs in the meadow. Nobody owns London, London owns you. But she doesn’t own Quaff though, at least I don’t think so. Perhaps she does. There is a part of me in London that will never leave…”
(For the full 87 hour interview please contact Mack Mackford at Mackmackford@mackfordtowers.co.uk)
January 14th, 2010
Ian
Bane broke Batman’s back
Bane broke Batman’s back
Bane broke Batman’s back
Bane broke Batman’s back
Bane broke Batman’s back
(and keep saying it ’til 2010 baby!)
December 31st, 2009
Ian
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