Those have heard, down our way
Of a certain story that does tell
Of a certain character, small and thin
That reeks of compost, farts and gin
Eyes of wonder, teeth that grin
That be him, that Fumblegin
For a long time animals went missing
After dark, when the owls did hoot
At first it was believed to be fancy cats (oooo!)
Or hustling mice or chunky rats
Except that none of these exist
So to avoid humiliation, they took a risk
Set a trap and what did they catch?
Not a cat or a rat or a Bandersnatch
But a wee small man with a tache so trim
That was him, that Fumblegin
Despite trying for at least a day
He managed to escape just after lunch
Not that he really did much to disguise
Where he lived, you just followed the pies
Down the street and around the bend
Right to the very end
There he sits, belly on top
Stinking like a rancid mop
It’d take three lifetimes to recount his sin
You know him, that’s Fumblegin
May 26th, 2010
Ian
You know me I’m as American as apple pie along with being the best thing since sliced bread but right now I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. I don’t want to cover old ground however you must know that what I’m going to say will probably make you less fresh as a daisy and more dry as a bone. Let’s go with the flow, let’s take some time to smell the roses. I mean a tree doesn’t move unless there is wind and we’ll certainly cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now I’m a fish out of water. I feel like a rose is a rose is a rose. Play a harp before a cow and put that in your pipe and smoke it. Once in a blue moon I’m alright but I’m no spring chicken and I wouldn’t say that again for all the tea in China.
Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.
May 19th, 2010
Ian
Increasing pressure has today been inflicted upon the world by a large group of Americans obsessed with the motion picture ‘Back To The Future II’. They are stating that, with less than five years before we reach the year 2015, they are very disappointed with the lack of progress in the fields of science that were implied in the film.
“It’s awful,” says hasbeen wunderkinder Lars Inuit who is the spokesperson for the group Get Back To The Future, “We’ve no hover cars, no hover boards. Last week I went into a diner and there wasn’t a monitor with Ronald Regan on it telling me what the day’s specials were. I don’t really think there is enough time for the technology to reach this level anymore. What are we supposed to do?”
With not really having anyone from the world to speak on behalf of the world the United Nations decided to balance a donkey on a beachball for seven minutes as a direct response to the claims from the group. When the donkey only managed thirty seconds it was rushed away into a back room and replaced with a cardboard cut out.
We asked Kevin Hill Science Master, leader in the field of tasting his own mouth, about the news. “I’ve seen the film but it’s never had an effect on me. I mean what’s the point in finding out what is happening in a few years time when we’ve only just reached the point where we can taste our own mouths? We need to focus and stick to the basics.”
A similar group appeared towards the end of the twentieth century when fans on the cult television series ‘Space 1999’ were appauled that the citizens of planet earth were not living on the moon and travelling around in shoddy trains.
May 12th, 2010
Ian
It was late on the Thursday of the 6th May. I had just returned home with my small counterpart and pushed some nutrients into my face when I discovered a strange card lying on my bed. It appeared to have some writing and possibly some diagrams, both of which were illegible. In order to carry on with my evening I placed them to one side.
Imagine my surprise then when a further nine arrived on my doorstep the next day. Each contained a number and again further words and pictures that seemed to be describing some event or events to which I had not been part of. I hadn’t a clue where to start even after referring them to one of the younger generation who seemed to relish the indescribable and the incoherant.
Then came Saturday and further shocks. Two more cards were left hanging from my postbox. I now appeared to have a full set of something. Several evenings have passed by since then and I am determined to discover the fiend or fiends who are toying with my mind. Any fresh evidence will follow.
May 10th, 2010
Ian
Today I have been spending a lot of my time catching with 80’s singer, musician and apparently model Yazz.
We are all aware that Yazz is known best for her 1988 number one single ‘The Only Way Is Up’ but what followed the success of this breakthrough? Not at lot as it seems. Despite three other successful singles from the same album it would appear that the only way was down. The next releases were few and far between and the world appeared to forget about Yazz. Even a cover of ‘How Long’ with Aswad wasn’t enough to get the general public panting like puppies.
What does Yazz do now you ask? According to Wikipedia she has found faith, is an active member of the Calahonda Baptist Church and lives in Spain. It would appear that she is and has been married to husband Jazz Summers. Yazz and Jazz are rarely seen in public but it might be due to the fact that criminally nobody is looking for them.
I, personally, am gutted that the United Kingdom missed out on the French only release Yazz Megamix back in 1990 and that back in September 2009 when ‘The Only Way Is Up’ was re-released I didn’t know. I will leave you with this information. Go forth and spread some.
Look at ME and be inspired.
May 6th, 2010
Ian
Time is of the essence.
I have decided to take one of my more obscure business ventures and actually make it happen. Having visited a local bank I have managed to secure a small loan in order to get us up and running. I won’t go into too many details because there are rivals constantly watching me, trying to steal my ideas. Know this though: if they strike me down I will become more powerful than they could ever imagine…
Nah I’ll just do it now. I am going to open two shops: one selling eagles and one as an opticians with a twist in the centre of town. After people constantly mishearing what I am saying on the phone at work it was inevitable. The eagles we sell will be the best. The opticians will all be dressed as birds. This time next year Optimum Eagles and Opticle Seagulls will be raking the money in.
You may offer to buy shares now.
May 5th, 2010
Ian
It has recently come to my attention that a lot of people like muffins.
Now I’m quite open-minded about a lot of things but let’s face it people, a muffin is a cake. You can’t take one thing and just give it another name because it sounds swanky. I’m bored with the tired argument of ‘Is a Jaffa cake a biscuit or a cake?’ because it is taking the attention away from the ones who need sorting out. Muffins are first on the list. Unless anyone would like to speak in favour of muffins I vote that we stamp them out as quickly as possible and replace them with the name Breakfast Cakes. Who’s with me?
April 29th, 2010
Ian
On Wednesday this week, I visited the place where Kev Head works and toured the extensive and boring facilities. In my time there I completed three major tasks:
- Getting a little badge with my name on it
- Eating fajitas in the charming rustic canteen
- Inspecting Kev’s work environment and desk
In performing my post-fajita inspection of his desk I proceeded to wrap a bottle of correction fluid in blue insulating tape, and remove it from the premises secreted about my person. It is now in my posession.
Stolen item (and other miscellaneous items)
This marks the end of my crime spree. Bwa.
April 25th, 2010
Chris
There has been a rise of a brand new phenomena in the United Kingdom whereby politeness has reached a fresh level of stupidity. There is an increasing number of both men and women who experience what can only be described as a Shy Heart Attack. Upon discovering they are having a heart attack they then decide not to tell anyone and proceed as though nothing is wrong. If they are questioned about it they are more likely to shrug it off and carry on eating their salad rather than make a fuss.
Linda Apples is one of these people. “I knew what was happening and even though my first instinct was to scream out in pain and shout for a doctor there was a part of me that couldn’t do it. I didn’t want all those people in the cafe staring at me so I chose to sit at my table, finish my profiteroles and then quietly take the bus to the hospital.”
The British public have always been known for their high level of stiff upper lip but this has got both government watchdogs and members of the medical profession completely baffled. “Fair enough don’t cause a scene if your dog has pooped in your tea, ” said Dr. Miles Guhungus, “but if your heart has stopped working properly for the love of God do something! What if the last thing you did with your life was to walk in an awkward fashion in the direction of your local surgery with a forced smile on your face?”
More and more people are succumbing to it. In the first quarter of the year a total of nine men and seven women encountered Shy Heart Attacks, with a possible three others to follow by June. Various reasons have been listed for doing such a thing including, “I didn’t want the restaurant owner to think I hated his salmon fillets so I stayed to eat the whole thing,” and, “Jimmy hates it when I cry. He said all the other dads thought I was a wuss so I sucked it in and finished that triathlon.”
April 24th, 2010
Ian
Here be a rough draft of a song that is speechmarks in the mix close speechmarks. It’s based on a well-loved character from my past whose very name can make your heart sing.
He stood three storeys high
With a wizened look in his eye
All the while that cheeky smile
At everyone passing by
He’s one for every occasion
Morning, noon and night
Have you heard his name?
Of course I think you might.
Chorus
Colossal and robust, a character of trust
Jimmy Titan, Jimmy Titan
No-one heartier than Jimmy Titan
Be wary of his powers deceptive as they are
They pack the molten punch of a massive exploding star
His hairs not near but he still looks a treat
And you’ll find him in the bar
He’s one for every occasion
Birthdays, weddings, weekends
Have you heard his name?
Of course you have dear friends
Chorus x 2
If you need manly chats, he’s for a spin
If you need a manly hug he’ll squeeze you thin
If you need entertainment for your sister’s new boyfriend’s best friend’s pool party because the party CD got scratched and your I-pod is on the blink and someone is desperately searching for their Simply Red LPs… why not?
Chorus x 2
(I. McIver / Papples Music Empire)
April 15th, 2010
Ian
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