Hey, where’s the book that we all so lovingly (including Reuben) tore ourselves apart to complete when you visited? Is it not ready for scanning yet?
My loins are rumbling from the impendingness of it all.
16 comments November 26th, 2007 Ian
Alright gimme a second to catch my breath.
*fake breathing noises*
Did you know that… never mind I’ll tell you later. Those damn Jam Pandas have taken over my myspace page :O they were a bit rowdy when I got them home but when I opened my bag out they whooshed and before you could say, “how on earth can fictional children’s characters come into the real world?” they had locked me up in a cupboard. By the time Audrey saved me (she was looking for the step ladder) they had changed my log in password and now I can’t get back in. They keep posting bulletins about the bloody time, I look a right numpty.
Hi Marshall. You have *sings* NO IDEA *ends singing* what I’m talking about and that’s probably for the best 🙂 it’s all faux shizzel.
22 comments November 13th, 2007 Ian
Hello, my name is Mr Smudgey and I am here to prove to you and everyone else watching that I am the most famous man on the planet at this very point in time. Wait… no it’s still me. Tom Cruise was close there. You may think you don’t know who I am but boy is that going to change. To prove my point I am going to show you all the various sources of my hidden exposure and bring them to the surface for everyone to see. That way I can be praised for the future A-lister I am.
Point Number One – referred to in the song ‘Mad World’ by Tears for Fears and then later sung by some burk in a flat cap.
“I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad,
 These dreams of Mr Smudgey are the best I ever had”
Hand over the royalties Roland whatsisface, I was clearly the inspiration for that song and without me it would have disappeared without a trace. People secretly bought it for the reference to me. Don’t bother with a cheque just leave a small suitcase outside my basement bedroom window, but make sure you don’t wake my parents up!
17 comments November 6th, 2007 Ian
It would be easy for me to sit here and dismiss Nigella Lawson as the lemon-cooking, denim-jacket-wearing, sh*t-talking toff that she is and I think seeing as I’ve nothing better to do I shall.
Audrey is quite fanatical about her recipes. I have tasted the gubbins and the gubbins were good although I think it had more to do with Auds rather than the original chef. Nigella lives with her non-existant husband in what can only be described as the biggest house in Christendom. Her larder is bigger than our entire kitchen. her daily life consists of taking taxis to and from Sainsburys before going home, cooking for five minutes (it’s called ‘Nigella Express’ after all) and then spending the rest of the day sitting smugly in front of her laptop. Smug doesn’t even come close actually. She is unparalled in her smugness almost to the point where I’d rather eat tulips than check to see if her nipples are showing through whatever piece of fancy free she’s decided to cook in today.
Don’t you judge me!
Anyone who can say things like, “modestly bulging crescents” and, “glorious mounds” clearly needs a huge slap around the chops with the biggest loin in reach. Please, anyone within spitting distance, this would be gratefully appreciated.
22 comments November 5th, 2007 Ian
I use some words that I don’t actually know the meaning of. Or I vaguely know what they’re about but I couldn’t really explain it to you. Like…
SHEMP
or
PARADIGM
The first one seems to be something to do with a bad stand-in, in a movie, or something. If I call a bad actor a “shemp” it sometimes goes down well. Whereas you can say that someone whose opinions have changed has had a “paradigm shift”. I don’t know what the word means but I can use it.
By these means, and also with smoke and mirrors, I make myself look clever.
2 comments November 2nd, 2007 Chris
Just in case anyone is interested I seem to have stumbled across “the web’s original, biggest and most comprehensive site dedicated to UK actress Anna Friel.”
Look at the imaginative colour scheme! Bask at the informative links! And look, you can even purchase an off-line copy so you can peruse it when you’re not on the internet. I don’t know about you but I’m hooked!
*Sarcasm machine breaks from too much*
16 comments October 29th, 2007 Ian
Following on from the original ‘Property Company Names’ segment of the website Audrey recently came across one which I believe is an almost, if not absolutely, perfect example of how to name your company properly:
‘Mr. Grumbley’s Window Cleaning Service’
It’s got everything: the guy’s name, what he does and suggesting the possibility that, despite it being his surname, he might not like it too. I’d grumble if I had to clean windows all day.
How about them apples?
7 comments October 26th, 2007 Ian
I’m MC Hullah, I got lotsa moolah
I work wit’ grass skirts, it don’t get worse
Than dancin’ from side to side all day
I ride on a Harley, that means I’m not gay
(MC Hullah – ‘Grass Skirts’ – Infectious Records 2007)
5 comments October 22nd, 2007 Ian
There have been a number of funny or funnily-named things that I have come across recently. They mainly revolve around solicitors and clients names but hey, that’s the shit that I shovel man. First I found a firm of solicitors called Kevill’s however it gets better. There is now some solicitors called ‘Straine Keville’. Now, obviously this means nothing to the two solicitors who run the firm yet to us, well, it’s a perplexing image. Two client names that cropped up are:
The best name comes from a man who did some of the additional voices in Toy Story 2 though. This is a genuine name as well I must add and that man’s name was…
Rodger Bumpass.
14 comments October 22nd, 2007 Ian
It’s about time there was a post on here celebrating the wonder that is… gravy!
Yes, it’s everyone’s favourite kind of brown, meaty sauce and in a recent survey 79% of respondents said they preferred gravy. 87% said they would rather have gravy on their Sunday roast than hot piss. And in the Bible (Roasts 15:12) did Jesus himself not say “those who pour Bisto on their roast spuds are the most divine in thine eyes, o Lord”? Yes, I think he did.
In light of this, I am declaring this Pouring Beans National Gravy Week-a-thon and I aim to have some gravy at some point this week. Possibly just a big steaming mug of it with my breakfast. Oh yes.
Hooray for gravy!
19 comments October 21st, 2007 Chris