Today has seen the majority of the world breathe a sigh of relief and engage in a round of applause after it has been proved without a doubt that you can’t always get what you want.
Philea Phonea, a sixteen year old Russian diplomat, attempted to buy a pencil sharpener from an elderley resident in his home town of Whipplelicious and failed dramatically. The incident was captured on film and Super 8 then broadcast from station to station like that bit in ‘Lord of the Rings: Return of The King’ where they light the torches for everyone to see. Superb.
Meanwhile on the Isles of Scilly just off the coast of Great Britain three obnoxious little children, ages 3 to 5, tried to make off with a box of sweets at their local sweet emporium only to be thwarted by Barbara Bopp, the current owner. She took back to the box of sweets and returned them to their equally useless parents by the tips of their ears. She had to enlist the help of Wilson Pickett, who was picking daisies in a field round the back, and then sang a few songs to lighten the mood.
Finally two Japanese tourists handed over ten billion pounds to Morris Jubjon to pay for a limited edition lifesize statue of God putting his feet up on the 7th day only to be told that it was going to be shot into space to help with global warming. No sale. Two very shocked and confused people. Can God help prevent the suns harmful rays?
Stories to warm the heart and cool the soul. That’s Newsboost.
Scientists today have unanimously proved that ugly people and other associated groups are helping to save the environment more than the prettier sides of society.
In a recent survey it has been confirmed that those who may or may not have fell from the ugly tree, hitting all the branches on the way down, use less water, eat less food and don’t go out as much for various reasons. Generally though because they either don’t have any friends or refuse to be seen in public for fear of being covered in old Spam tins and Ready Brek.
Amongst the others who have been given the biggest slap on the back rather than across the face are the dirty, the smelly, the agoraphobics and the tight with money.
“I think it’s great. I’ve been ugly since I was born and I’ve never been congratulated for anything other than wearing a bag on my head,” said James Bonbon, owner of Thrifty Wares.
“For ten years now I’ve refused to wear any sort of deodorant,” advised Jamelia Stuffykins, “not only because I enjoy the sweet smell of my own sweat but because the CFCs were damaging to the environment. We few who follow the strict codes of the Sweataholics, not to be confused with the Sweetaholics, will wear this honour with pride!”
There were a few, however, to point out that while this was all in good taste there were certain aspects that would affect the country’s economy. “Stuff that,” said Eekon P. Wildlicker, “that was probably said by a hot piece of ass, and why should we listen to them anymore?”
Outspoken and morally incorrect “musician” Eddie Outrageous has today confirmed that he is quitting the music business, citing claims that it isn’t the same as it was when he began in 2007.
“I mean it’s just all wrong now, all wrong. I wanted to inspire people and make some money on the side, I wanted to get out of the job I got at my father’s bank and pull some strings in other fields. I’m doing it for all the wrong reasons now.”
Eddie, real name Edward Corinthian Parlour III, burst onto the always-wankable indie music scene in October 2007. His first band, ‘Chaos Under Fire’, released only seven minutes of music before splitting. He then went on to work under several different names including, ‘Never Gonna Make It’, ‘Struggling To Get A Deal’, ‘Losing Battle’ and ‘The Final Straw’, none of which cracked the UK top 40. This could, however, also be due to the fact that due to Eddie’s perfectionism he could never work with any other musicians for more than half a day before having an arguement.
“What can I say? I just like doing things the way I do them rather than the way other people do them, because they do them wrong.”
Over his entire “career” Eddie has spent more time in the tabloids than the charts, rehab and probably his own home. There was the famous cake wrestling incident outside Westminster Abbey, the ‘What Did Bob Geldof Ever Do For Me?’ festival in Hampstead Heath and of course his on-off affair with septuagenarian Countess Closey Chuzzwick.
The bitter news of Outrageous’ departure has been met with a decidedly silent response from everyone, which has more than likely something to do with the fact that nobody likes him and the only reason people put up with him is that they bought papers so that they could hate him some more. Let’s face it; if your entire career can be summed up in five very short paragraphs you’re not doing something right.
The human race was left stunned yesterday as it has been confirmed that the moon has filed a restraining order against the sun.
The moon, aka Carlos Vanderbeeter, faxed the paperwork to the local law courts in Liverpool, much to the bewilderment of the staff.
“We have no idea, not a clue,” said the Chief Magistrate Thomas Lockjaw, “it’s pretty much a case of WTF, possibly the biggest we’ve ever seen.” Mr Vanderbeeter claims that he is tired of the lewd comments and obscene gestures he receives from the sun, aka Carley Fern, on a daily basis and has demanded that she be moved with at least seven hundred and fifty thousand miles between the two stars to ensure that the alleged harrassment stops. In doing so though this could see the end of the human race as any alteration in the positioning of the sun could affect our planet’s temperature. That’s bad.
“I honestly don’t know what we will do if he wins. The only transport we have is a Fiat Uno. Have you ever seen a 2000lb car trying to move a 7.35 x 10 ^22kg mass?”
Yes. Yes I have.
In response to this Miss Fern has defended herself stating that the allegations from Mr Vanderbeeter are entirely fabricated and that she will be fighting them from all angles. The proposed hearing will take place next month at Liverpool Magistrates Court, with chubby school children standing in for both sides of the dispute.
Greetings. Doctor Humphrey Bumfrey, MD, here. I have come to deliver a report on the state of Da Beans. My findings are as follows.
Slump in posting figures The early days of Da Beans saw exceptionally high posting volumes, with up to 30 posts per month. In the last year this has tailed off. I used science and chemicals and that to find the following causes for the tailing off in posting volumes.
Chris’s maudlin state of mind. Finding himself involuntarily in a much changed and confusing personal situation Chris was in no mood for hiliarity for large parts of last year, and found his creative mojo somewhat lacking.
Kev’s business plan. Swapping his future career path at short notice from low-key IT professional to something modelled more on Sir Alan Sugar, Kev’s keen desire to flog bit of wire and plastic IT peripheral tat to the masses reduced the amount of time he could devote to the site.
Something to do with Ian, though he’s a bit of a constant really isn’t he.
Recovery in postings
April 2009 has been one of the healthiest months on record so far and it is safe to say that Da Beans is now off the critical list, though it shouldn’t remove the bandages just yet. This graph (shown right, right?) shows how the red line has gone up from left to right over a period of time. Through psychic assistance and with a bold pioneering spirit within my heart I divined the following reasons.
Today I need to buy a number of items. I will list these items here and tell you how I progress through the purchasing stage and whether I am unable to source any of these articles.
A diary. This is required so that I can ensconce within it the dates and times on which working is necessitated by my employers and overlords, and also the dates and times on which I am due to socialise with other humans in a non-workplace context.
A VGA cable. This handsome combination of wires, plastic sheaths and precision-moulded terminal plug fixtures will permit the connection of a laptop video output to a television video input channel, permitting the screening of internet videos on a TV screen that could justifiably be described as “mackin'”.
A book. The book I select will be carefully chosen to permit the optimum enwritement of random tat and the endrawage of senseless doodlings. It is of great importance that it has nice clean white pages, unless I find another style of page which sweeps me up in its strong arms and causes me to take leave of my senses.
Jeans. I don’t think I have any chance of getting these in my lunch break but I need some so I’m putting it in the list anyway. They are designed to keep my legs warm and out of sight in a range of social situations, from the workplace to home-bound slobbing.
This completes my list of items to purchase with funds in my bank account. Good day.
