Posts filed under 'Loins'
So, you want to learn how to eat beets? Eating beets is not an easy thing. You can’t just pick them up and start mowing away like a man with a lawn. There is a subtle art and delicate nature to the eating of the beets and we are happily here to show you how.
Let’s start from the beginning. Fundamentally there are three ways to eat beets. The most common is the wrong way. The less most common is the right way. The one that flits about in the middle is the more less common but less more common than the other two way. For today’s seminar, if you can call it a seminar, we will focus on the less most common method, for it is the least known of the three.
What is a beet? Where do they come from? How do they arrive? We don’t have time for all the facts so we’ll say this: they do arrive safely and unharmed during the night. Are beets held hostage? Of course not. That would be silly.
Moving on now, the history of the beet is brief. They arrived in 1997 after too many people complained that the carrot was becoming too popular. Some believe it was multi-millionaire Frans Buldishot who bred a turnip with a bottle of purple colour dye to come up with the beet, which has since been confirmed as true. Beets are popular in most countries, including Guatamala.
So without further a do we can kindly guide you into the eating of beets. You want to know and we want to tell you. This is why these things work so well. It’s simple; the best way to eat beets is to not at all because they taste like sh*t.
December 10th, 2009
Okay kids, this is the way we do our do and we do it good.
Here’s the challenge: 31 days in December. That’s a FACT. Here’s another FACT: December has already started. Yes, more FACTs than you can shake a stick at. I’ve never shook a stick before. FACT.
The challenge is to post a post on every single day of December, even on the Christmassy ones like 25th and 31st and all that. Not one post per person per day, that would be insane, but as long as one of us can post something each day to fill December in its entirety then that would bally well tickle me loins in delight in a non-s*xual way of course.
WHO’S WITH ME?
December 2nd, 2009
On the verge of turning 26 I feel it’s only right that I should address the nation (as in you two) to speak some hot, manly words of stress, duress and mess.
I am now the eldest of the three which gives me certain powers and obligations. The obligations I can take or leave. The powers though are something to be nurtured and unleashed when everyone doesn’t expect it. What these powers are only one person can say, and I personally saw that he does not never nonny more ever again tell of what they may be. Leaving me the only person who knows and the chances of me telling are highly unlikely, even after half a bottle of Jack and two sambuccas.
So what I will impart on you is this; stick to your guns, never give up, trust your instincts and if you are to make enquiries with the Local Authority about work that may or may not have been done to your property that would have required planning permission and / or building regulations consent together with a completion certificate always do them in passing. Never specifically mention a property. Always maintain that you are a stranger, not the owner, so that indemnity insurance will always be an option.
Mr. McIver Esq
November 16th, 2009
Did you see that quiche? That’s nothing compared to me mam’s quiche.
Following on from the successful ‘Wacky Watch’ series from last week we have received an exclusive import from SD Productions… The Wheel of Thrusting:
This patented and remarkable piece of equipment was developed by one of the Home Beans’ own inventors and fellow contributors. It is as simple like all the great designs. All you have to do is ask it a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question then the arrow will point towards one of the two answers; if it points towards ‘Thrusting to Mariah Carey = Yes’ then the answer is ‘yes’ and if it points towards ‘Thrusting to Bing Crosby = No’ then the answer is ‘no’. That is all.
If you are indecisive and need help with your daily life you cannot do without this. It will literally save you seconds off your time and give you nice images in your head all day. The size of a pocket watch for less than a one hundred smackers. It also happens to be waterproof and each one is hand-signed and authenticated by either Russell Grant or Toya Wilcox.
Buy now! Yes, buy now!
(Please note: look and appearance of item may differ from the item shown here, please allow 28 days for delivery, please tell all your friends. Part of the ‘This Is A Good Invention’ Series).
October 7th, 2009
Right ladies and gentlemen here we have a lovely piece of meat. There is no two ways about it this is a fine specimen of pork. It came from one of Prince Underhand-Overwood’s very own swines which, as you are all aware, are widely regarded as the world’s best pigs.
Hand-reared, Sussex-bred, swill-fed and R’n’B-raised Snorkers as he came to be known loved John Lee Hooker, early Who singles and most Northern Soul. Rarely was he seen without his trademark sunglasses and picturesque ironic porkpie hat.
Who will start the bidding at ten pounds?
September 30th, 2009
Since personally speaking to the disgruntled head of the Panda League we have written a song together to convey the anger and distaste everyone is feeling. Music to follow, then a demo baby!
We simply demand our share of the royalties
Because of the amount of ambiguities
This is a fair and civilised request
To reach a solution for all that is best
The WWF should give what is rightfully ours
They can say it with chocolate or say it with flowers
Chorus
But give us the money you bitch
Give us the money, give us the wonga
Make us the big and the rich
We ain’t be lyin’ but you ain’t be tryin’
Unfortunately their attitude isn’t to our taste
The more they talk the more time they waste
With a tck-tck we’ll load up the guns
As we slaughter millions of humans
Within days if our demands
Are not met, so hold up your hands
Chorus
And give us the money you whore
Give us the stash, flash me some cash,
We won’t ask for anything more
Well, maybe some crazy demands like…
Half a kidney, a roll of cotton cheese, two souwesters baked at a hundred degrees, a Chinese needle, a super deluxe army set costs a couple of bucks, a tepid puppy, the Egyptian dance that set back the world a thousand years over night in advance, Dr. Seuss’ pedalo, a broken pencil shark, a seedy window that only opens after dark, a see-through eye patch, custard on the go…
Anything else, well, we’ll let you know.
(Lyrics: Inside DJ Wolfwood’s Bedroom – 2009)
August 27th, 2009
History will remember this story well.
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: Hey Will
Will.i.am: Yeah, what’s going on?
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: I’m writing this song and I was hoping you could help me with the lyrics.
Will.i.am: Of course. Whatcha got?
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: Boom Boom… then I draw a blank.
Will.i.am: Right, so it’s Boom Boom and we need to finish it, hmmm.
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: You see my problem?
Will.i.am: Sure do, god, that is a tricky.
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: I’ve been here three days sorting this baby out.
The other one that isn’t Will.i.am: Hey are you guys busy?
Will.i.am: Yeah, got this tricky lyric we’re juggling.
The other one that isn’t Will.i.am: Run it past me, see if I can help.
Will.i.am: Okay, Boom Boom…
The other one that isn’t Will.i.am: Boom Boom…
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: Yep.
The other one that isn’t Will.i.am: Wow, I mean if it was summit simple like girl and world then perhaps you’d have a chance but Boom Boom? Never. I’m walking away from that one.
Will.i.am: It’s okay, we understand.
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: I best call some takeaway in, give me a sec.
Will.i.am: No wait! Wait! I think I’ve got it!
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: Go on!
Will.i.am: What about Boom Boom… Boom?
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: Boom Boom Boom?
Will.i.am: Boom Boom Boom!
The one that isn’t Will.i.am: Well it’s shit but it’ll do.
In the end the song went to number one in most countries, apart from Sweden. They must still be bitter about Abba.
August 16th, 2009
Does anyone remember this? It was at the end of a “serious” discussion how Jack Penate was crowned Silly Bint of the Month back in December 2007. If it was one of you two own up now although I think this cat is an outsider.
I especially liked the description of me being at school and jacking off. What a perv.
62. Dan | September 17th, 2008 at 22:09 Are you being serious? Do you honestly think that Jack Penate is as lowly and terrible as the likes of the Spice Girls and Dido? If so, then you are by far the most closed-minded, idiocratic, non-sensical pleb I have ever had the lack of pleasure meeting. Fair do’s, I respect that different people have different tastes, some people like their indie, other enjoy a bit of hip hop. Bu then there’s you…I’m guessing you sit in your room after school and lock yourself away from the outside world, perhaps masturbating or listening to bands that either time has forgotten or no one has ever heard of. Jack Penate is a new age artist, his lyrics are true to the times and the trials and tribulations of life. Everyone can relate to at least one of his songs, if they say they can’t…they lie! Why the hell would you label such an artist a ‘Bint’? Do you have any idea what a bint is? You really are a clueless young lad/ladette, and your silly little post has enduced this rage! I hope you are proud! Long live Penate!
August 4th, 2009
Er yeah fellas I only thought to ask politely when I say
“Where the fuck is the book we’ve been writing?” and
“Why doesn’t anyone come on anymore?” and
“Would someone like to give me some money so I can make a prototype of the Pap-Babble-Apple-Ator?”
July 30th, 2009
I have recently been informed that two astonishing new phrases have been immediately made up for the consumption of da beans website. They come aficionado and long-time sponsor Keveel De Heel, currently showing his work around the Northern shores of Italy.
Unfortunately due to his busy work schedule Mr De Heel didn’t have time to tell us what they meant so it has been thrown open to da beans community to establish their meanings. They are as follows:
Sponge Hammer
Cleaning out the fish bowl
Pet away! Pet away!
July 20th, 2009
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