This month’s picture I am really happy with – and as I said before, it was just a chance picture that EEFY McJEEFY took while I happened to be out of sight for a moment.
There I was, froclicking in the breakers in my two-piece swimsuit and my hair in pigtails, when I stepped behind the large rock on the right to have a slash. And click! The picture was done. Wonderful image, and quite sexy too.
17 comments May 6th, 2009
I’ve worked out what we’re missing here at Da Beans. We’re like a glossy magazine, full of interesting articles and views. But we don’t have a nice page where you can sit down with a warm beverage and a pen and stretch your brain muscles.
That’s why I have put together the first Beans Quiz Page. Enjoy!
Numbersearch
2 4 6 3 5 7 8 9
2 9 2 3 9 7 4 2
7 2 3 3 0 4 5 2
1 9 2 5 8 4 6 6
7 2 1 1 9 3 1 5
Find the following: 1925, 7051, 8095, 79329, 20082555.
General knowledge quiz
Join the dots
. …. . .. …. .. .. ….. . . …… .. . ….. . . … … … …. .. .
. ….. . : … .. : …….. : ………. . . . .. . . . . . .. …. … ..
Answers are on the other side of this page.
20 comments April 27th, 2009
Following on from last month’s piece about moody badgers this week we are looking at the damage that drunk owls are having not on their natural habit and the English countryside but also on society itself.
Owls. Easy to spell and say, but if you were one and you were drunk could you still manage? A recent poll discovered that 87% of owls spent more than five days a week getting hammered. The question is why? As an animal their lives are so free of stress it’s utterly insane to try and reason with the facts, that is until you bury beneath the surface of what was once nature’s Bank Holiday Weekend Megasale. We spoke to an owl who wishes to remain anonymous.
“I… I don’t want to but I can’t help myself. It’s all too much. The mouses and the flying and the dark. I woke up this morning and pissed on a sheep. D’ya know what that does to a person? I hate eating toast when the butter goes runny. Idiots. All of them. God, it’s warm in here. Sorta funky like. Can you smell that?”
It would be fair to say that I’ve spent hours more productively than during that interview. It would also be fair to say that since the invention of the owl nothing has propelled them into the forefront of the media than the day JK Rowling took up a pen and starting twiddling it across paper. The Harry Potter books more than quadrupled the interest in owls. My son, Archie, didn’t know what colour owls were until then. He thought they were purple. I explained that he was thinking of a beetroot and we both felt much better after that.
Across the night mice are cheering because their once deadly predators are struggling to undo their trousers let alone try and catch them. Mice populations are tumbling out of control, like an owl after a crate of gin. Local government watchdogs in Surrey have tried to set up AA Meetings with little success, having made the bad decision to hold the meetings across the road from three pubs and the country’s largest keg of ale. Can anything be done to salvage the honour of this once majestic bird?
16 comments April 27th, 2009
A stupid ginger appears. He sees an advertisement that says if you give someone your phone they will give you money for it. He goes looking for his old phone in his attic and surprisingly it is propped up handily, waiting to be plucked from what looks like a plant pot. The stupid ginger chuckles to himself. He checks the website and chuckles again. Minutes later he receives a cheque for £32.00 meaning this money will go to him for being stupid and not selling his phone on Ebay like everyone else does.
I love television me.
18 comments April 12th, 2009
Greetings. Doctor Humphrey Bumfrey, MD, here. I have come to deliver a report on the state of Da Beans. My findings are as follows.
Slump in posting figures
The early days of Da Beans saw exceptionally high posting volumes, with up to 30 posts per month. In the last year this has tailed off. I used science and chemicals and that to find the following causes for the tailing off in posting volumes.
Recovery in postings
April 2009 has been one of the healthiest months on record so far and it is safe to say that Da Beans is now off the critical list, though it shouldn’t remove the bandages just yet. This graph (shown right, right?) shows how the red line has gone up from left to right over a period of time. Through psychic assistance and with a bold pioneering spirit within my heart I divined the following reasons.
I am therefore delighted to award Da Beans a Certificate of Hooray Well Done. Congratulations!
16 comments April 7th, 2009
Here’s my calendar picture for this month.
I’m inside the building on the left, on the second floor, in a room at the back, wearing stockings, suspenders and a pair of Daffy Duck boxer shorts that are rather figure-hugging.
10 comments April 4th, 2009
Yes, theme tune fans! It’s time for another brilliant theme tune! Here’s where I bring you one and you can listen to it! Why? Mostly because this place is dead and that makes me sad! So here’s something to perk it up a bit as Da Beans approaches its third birthday!
Clicky clicky clicky this: UFO theme tune
Yes! It’s the theme music from Gerry Anderson’s UFO, first screened in 1970 and which has been mostly forgotten as a live-action follow up to things like Stingray and Joe 90 that nobody remembers much because it wasn’t all that good and nobody was sure if it was for kid sor grown ups. But what a theme tune!
As my Top Theme Tune of the Month, I award it seventeen annoying stars and my own personal “yippee”!
x17
11 comments March 16th, 2009
It’s the burning question of the day. I think we all want to know whether Kev is famous and, if so, how long has he been famous in secret? We should be told.
The secret got out yesterday when I saw this.
So, Mr Hill – what the hell are you doing with an hour-long show on E4?
17 comments January 24th, 2009
Seeing as we’re all too busy wrapping presents and sh*t I thought I would be my best to create some sort of yuletide message so that we’re all going along with the festive spirit. No wait, going along with it sounds as though we’re being held hostage by it, or that it’s some awful idea a semi-friend has come up with and you don’t want to tell them to f*ck off because you’re too nice so you go along with it to keep them happy and hold back how you really feel about them.
Ahem.
It would be best to say that 2008 has been a right pile of f*cktards all round, that it should be forgotten and left in a pile of newspapers for Ross Kemp to do a documentary on. Nonetheless it’s hard not to look forward to the presents, the endless supply of quality films, the presents, the food, the happy feaces, the cheer and merriment of people opening presents (and who said our generation was materialistic?). For now let us hold a shotgun in the general direction as we edge away from 2008 out the back door and I hope we all have a wonda-va Christmas!
Come and join the fun… and now our song is done.
8 comments December 24th, 2008
There seems to be some confusion surrounding EEFY McJEEFY and how I am able to keep quoting his wise words. Well, here’s a short Q&A session to ease your pain.
Who is this EEFY McJEEFY?
He’s a former explorer, whose daughter is Nora, with a collection of gravels he found on his travels.
How is he so wise?
He spent many years taking words with his ears, and now others forage to access his knowledge.
Why are his words of wisdom appearing here?
He sits in my pocket, just six inches tall, and at night I put him in a box on the wall. When words I require of wisdom and truth, I give him a berry and he says words forsooth.
18 comments November 21st, 2008