Posts filed under 'What I Did Today'
Seriously, where are you all? I demand a status report of some description.
Since last posting here, I have:
- Eaten 14 slices of toast, of which 12 had apricot jam on them
- Finished my 2 litre bottle of Sainsbury’s own brand cola
- Washed up 6 times
- Decided to leave my winter coat at home, but forgotten to take out my ID badge for work, meaning that for one day I had a temporary pass
- Received 163 junk e-mails
- Caught the 8.53 train to Waterloo once, mistakenly thinking I had to be at work for 9.30, when really I wasn’t needed until 10.15
- Had two fingers of Twix
- Blew my nose in a really satisfying way shortly after my morning shower
- Doodled meaningless things while on the phone thrice.
What have you been up to?
April 13th, 2007
Hello. I am at work on a nightshift without an awful lot to do, so I’ve spent about an hour compiling the following useful facts about Locker 29, better known as Office 3.
Claimed: 3rd July 2006
Lost: early March 2007
Number: 29
Location: The Baltic, Gateshead
History: Various items were placed in the locker on the following occasions.
- 03/07/06 Baltic gallery leaflets.
- 04/07/06 One copy of the book Erudite Musings on the Human Condition (photocopy).
- 07/07/06 7″ vinyl of ‘some bollocks band nobody cares about’.
- 16/07/06 Two bags.
- 24/07/06 Pair of headphones, sticker promoting new Pipettes album, pen with lion’s head on it.
- 09/08/06 Two paperclips, one red and one yellow.
- 18/08/06 Blue paperclip, an old Christmas card from Sarah, two elastic bands ‘laid erotically across the Baltic leaflets’.
- 07/09/06 Plastic Tesco bag, a slip from ‘a recorded delivery earlier in the week’ and a bus ticket from Tuesday 5th September 2006.
- 14/11/06 Chocolate biscuit in foil wrapper.
Intelligence gathered from postings to this website suggest that the tat posted to Newcastle via top secret Jiffy Bag in September 2006 was never placed in the locker and is probably still safe, including some paper snowflakes, pictures of BBC Look North presenters and a book of Garforth soil samples.
OFFICE 3: WE SHALL NOT FORGET.
March 30th, 2007
Â
Chris Industries International Ltd. is sorry to announce the departure of the face of CII, world renowned musician Pete Doherty.
Mr Doherty had appeared in all CII Ltd. marketing material, voiced radio commercials and carried out ‘meeting and greeting’ tours in the CII Ltd. retail superstores across the globe.
Chris, Megaboss of CII Ltd., said today: “I’m sorry to see Pete end the deal. I’ve long been a fan of Pete’s moronic lifestyle and I thought he lived the lifestyle that we wanted to offer our customers. Whether he was advertising our dog grooming services or our exciting range of luxury wheelbarrows, he’s what our customers wanted.
Pete Doherty today commented: “I read this thing on their website, where someone posted some stuff Chris said about me, and now I don’t like him much.â€?
Mr Doherty now plans to take some time out with his partner, Kate Moss, in their luxury hideaway resort in Cleethorpes.
Chris Industries International Ltd. denies that this could spell the end of their global brand and are currently looking in to their options.
His partner Kate Moss was said to be “past it�.
March 27th, 2007
Chris Industries International Ltd. is proud to announce the new face of CII – the world renowned musician Pete Doherty.
From April 2007, Pete will appear in all CII Ltd. marketing material, will voice radio commercials and will also do ‘meeting and greeting’ tours in the new CII Ltd. retail superstores.
Chris, Megaboss of CII Ltd., said today: “I’m delighted with the deal. I’ve long been a fan of Pete’s moronic lifestyle and I think he lives the lifestyle that we want to offer our customers. Whether he’s advertising our dog grooming services or our exciting new range of luxury wheelbarrows, he’s what our customers want.
Pete Doherty today commented: “Yeah. What?”
The deal is unique in the world of marketing, in that Mr. Doherty will not be paid money for his services, and instead will be just given whatever he would have spent the money on.
His partner Kate Moss was said to be “quite thin”.
March 23rd, 2007
This is slightly delayed, but none the less brilliant.
When I went to Loon-don to see the Marshall this is the kind of japery we got up to.
CLICK HERE NOW
and enjoy.
March 19th, 2007
And we took some pictures
YES!
February 15th, 2007
MY cheesegrater on MY chopping board with MY cheese in MY kitchen:
…before grating commences…
…and after the completion of grating.
Great!
February 3rd, 2007
You asked for it… and heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere it is!
Continue Reading February 2nd, 2007
This saddens me because I had plenty of nesssssss to upload… namely pictures of my new gaff complete with furnishment and stuffness in it. Damned techno-broken ness.
It might be because I’m on a public access computer ness thing so I’ll try again later, but if it still doesn’t work, then heads will roll.
Rockalula!
January 23rd, 2007
Hello. I am nowhere.
The first three weeks of my new job are being spent at a residential training boot camp where the BBC likes to send people who don’t yet know how to do their jobs.
On weekends I am FREE but during the week I am CAPTIVE.
They are keeping me here and feeding me stodgy food.
Please send help.
January 12th, 2007
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