Posts filed under 'What I Did Today'
I’m at work but only 7 people are in the office out of the usual 14. Plus nobody is phoning, nobody is emailing and nobody has any work for me to do. I am so bored.
As a result of this, I am sitting here writing this. I have decided to look up BORING on Google Images and it gives me this:
Is this boring? It’s very hard to tell. I think it’s actually quite interesting. There’s a nice gay “hello sailor” thing about it all, and a mystery element because you don’t know who is on the other end of the phone. I wonder if that mystery caller knows they are talking to a pair of gay sailors in a lusty embrace?
I’m also interested in the homely American Sitcom look of the room they’re in. That table lamp with its creamy plaited shade is very Fresh Prince and the balustrade on the staircase in the background suggests a large, comfortable home, and not a battleship full of Village People singing gaybos.
My search also brings up this image from the Church of the King, Dallas. I’d like to think this is some sort of Elvis shrine that uses old biddies to spread the word.
In this image we see two such crones looking rather maudlin, both with cheery Rasta-style headgear. One is wearing horn rimmed glasses that were cutting edge in about 1952. The intention is to make us think that this church is so cool in its teaching of the Burning Love of Elvis that old grannies turn up looking like this. I think that this is actually a lie. The two old biddies in the image have never been there, and probably only like “In the Ghetto”, being much more interested in Max Bygraves’s oeuvre.
They were hired for the King’s publicity photoshoot and were told what would happen with recolouring to make them look trendy. This is why they look like you’ve just stolen their mobility scooter.
This image is also allegedly boring. I disagree. The woman in the centre of the picture is actually a hooker and is negotiating with the other two for a night of hot action. What she doesn’t know is that she’s being filmed for a late-night candid camera show where her antics will be broadcast to most of Japan. In addition, none of them are aware that the green building in the background is completely filled with Rice Krispies which were put there by a deranged millionaire.
I am SO BORED but this study of early 21st century visual interpretations of ‘boring’ has helped fill 30 minutes or so of my life. Thank you for your time.
Special reader exercise
Can you find a boring image and say why it’s a stack of cack? Prizes* for the best one!
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* Prizes are imaginary
August 25th, 2006
Date: 18th August 2006
Time: 13:15
Location: The Baltic, Gateshead (give or take)
Locker check successful. Still locked with possessions. Having previously been sent a pencil, a blue paperclip and an old Christmas card from Noony obsessionist Sarah Jolly it was unfortunate that the pencil was left at home and therefore will have to wait until the next visit. I placed the paperclip inbetween the red and the yellow for some witty banter with the Christmas card towards the back. I also left two elastic bands in an erotic position across the top of the two Baltic leaflets from a previous expedition. Left with no complications. The weather was shit and made my hair go crazy wild. Thought a lot about apples.
Random thought: The offer is still open for that game. Also, I think I need a pet. Lemons are good but what about the citric melancholia? Any recommendations?
August 18th, 2006
This: 
 is apparently a Red Delicious apple.
I have 2 problems with this.
1: Its more maroon than red (picky I know)
2: More importantly, ITS NOT DELICIOUS! goddam
The sticker told me it was sweet and juicy. More lies.
Just thought you’d like to know.
PS: Buy Royal Gala Apples!
August 17th, 2006
It’s Kev next to his old car. It has nothing to do with this post.
Anyway, I’m so busy my arse is barely touching the ground between exciting occurences. And here’s where I fill you in, my lucky chums and chummettes.
Basically I have no idea where I’ll be working in two weeks’ time. I have one job offer waiting for a reply, I hear back from another interview in the next two days and I’m meeting a very important man who may (potentially) offer me a job on Wednesday.
In two weeks, will I still be doing boring stuff at the University of Leeds? Will I be responsible for trailers, jingles and station sound at BBC Radio Leeds? Will I be starting a new career in London with the BBC World Service? Or will I be sitting here, in this very chair, naked and scratching my meat and two veg with the handle of a wooden spoon?
Stay tuned to Pouring Beans for the answers!!!!!!!!!!!!
August 14th, 2006
Date: 9th August 2006
Time: 13:35
Location: The Baltic, Gateshead (sort of)
Locker check successful. Still locked with possessions. Has been at least two weeks since my last visit and still untouched by human hands. Added two paperclips, one red and one yellow, in the right corner closest to the door. Left with no complications. Was serenaded by a man and his banjo playing a curious cover of ‘All I have to do is Dream’ by the Everley Brothers but sort of in a West Country accent. The weather was swift and breezy like my hair.
Random thought: Give me £100 to buy a rare game from America. You know you want to… or do you?
August 9th, 2006
I managed to put 32 malteasers in my mouth at the same time. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it Jim!
August 8th, 2006
Date: 24th July 2006
Time: 12:30
Location: The Baltic, Gateshead (sort of)
Locker check successful. Still locked with possessions. Added a pair of headphones, a sticker promoting the new Pipettes album and a pen with a lions head on it I was given at Christmas. Was tempted to drop said pen in the Quayside on the way over but prevented myself from doing so. Was amused ‘Erudite…’ was still propped up after last time. Left with no complications.
Random thought: Sun brings heat. Clouds bring rain. Moon brings dark. What does Noel Edmonds bring?
July 24th, 2006
Date: 16th July 2006
Time: 14:05
Location: The Baltic, Gateshead/Newcastle Upon Tyne (ha har!)
Locker check successful. Still locked with possessions. Added two bags whilst looked at work of Erwin Wurm with four other humans including one child. Took bags back at the end of it. Previously added ‘Erudite Musings on the Human Condition’ had fallen over again and refused to stand up again. Propped against side of locker again. Will expect it to happen again. Re-adjusted baltic leaflets so in line. Left with no complications.
Random thought: If you had a pink flamingo what you would call it?
July 16th, 2006
Thanks to Kev having grabbified screen-ness from the NiSH DVDs, I can now unveil the semi-official web presence of NiSH!
In accordance with the grandiose stature and cultural significance of the NiSH series, I’ve bunged them somewhere in the middle of this page.
July 14th, 2006
I am ecstatic to be able to unveil the Newcastle visit stuff. It’s on the Things page. Oh god I’m excited.
July 14th, 2006
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