Archive for July, 2011
So you think you’re safe do you? You think you can handle this harsh, load-bearing world do you? Think you’re up to the test?
Most people in response to this question wouldn’t have been able to muster an answer; they would have fallen down onto their knees and cried into their lunch. Why they would be eating their lunch this late is anyone’s guess. The fact is that we all want to be tough and pretend to be tough but we’re not. What you need is someone watching your back and ding dang doodle noodle if that person isn’t yourself!
Yes. You are the best person to leap to your defence when you run into some trouble. So what will you use? Anything with a point will be confiscated from you as soon as you try to leave your house. You need something a little more nondescript, something that will blend in. Food is a good start, but which? Swordfish is too obvious. Eggs will sting but won’t hold back those would-be should-be probably-are attackers.
We start with the training wheels; Chupa Chups Lollies. Now I know what you’re thinking and yes, it is hard to cope with the stunning mix of looks and charm and wide legs. Lollies are a perfect weapon. Take your hand and open the fingers then insert the round end of a Chupa Chups lolly between the fingers and close. Three instruments of pain are now yours to wield. Don’t bother using the stick ends because they’ll bend too easily. Smack someone in the face or arse or groin with those beauties and they won’t be getting up for breakfast.
Clap your hands. Lesson one over.
July 25th, 2011
I have installed an app on my mobile electrical blower called Blogpress which allows me to post things like this to Da Beans without having to visit the website.
So now – even while on the omnibus or while browsing Woolworths or something, I can post things here.
You can, I’m sure, imagine my excitement. Please detail how you imagined my excitement.
July 24th, 2011
Once upon a time there was a lonely old man who lived on a planet all by himself. He would wander the vast sparse landscapes collecting pieces of wrecked star ships and other erroneous metals that littered the floor. By the time the man reached fifty he had a grand total of two thousand tonnes of metal. It was then that he decided he would use some of the metal to build a warehouse to put the rest of the metal in. With only his crude work tools after several weeks the warehouse stood aloft for all the bottom-feeding stench maggots to see, that is if they were less concerned about the tasty, tasty algae used to make stews and sandwiches. The man was surprised he had the strength and the skills to make such a thing, and then wondered what else he could make.
First came the more practical items, such as a sprinkler system, a flagpole and a bath mat. Next, more throwaway devices such as an all-terrain Jeep, a pair of tap-dancing shoes and some pelican bullets. After slogging away for a year the man stood back again to gaze on everything he had built, and there was plenty to see. The most intriguing was a robot he had put together in his free time in-between plenty of moments of soul-searching and bouts of madness. It had arms and legs, a head and limbs, and all that. He hadn’t managed to make it work though and so it stood motionless behind the riot gear and the foot massager.
(to be continued)
July 19th, 2011
The Seedy Garage is almost four years old. For those waiting for the paperback to come back into print here’s a copy of the very first post back in the good old days of MySpace:
‘Welcome to the Seedy Garage, the place for all the weirdest and dodgiest things imaginable. Well, perhaps that’s a bit of an overstatement. We’ve got weird sh*t to blow your mind. Don’t expect anything too risque though, this is being written on a computer being monitored by like fifty or so IT people. It’s not as if we can get away with just anything.
First up is the bizarre world of Crane Toad Racing. We found a couple of crane toads hidden under a large stack of Beanos. We asked them if they found them funny and proceeded to explain that they hadn’t been tempted once. And they were sat there for six years. They were totally missing out; Rodger the Dodger is a genius.
Crane Toad Racing comes from Australia I do believe, where I have been readily informed by two close friends that it is a dull place. Obviously this may be why racing amphilibans takes place. The two roads went into great detail about the kinds of races, their long and illustrious careers and the thrill of winning. It was a marvel to behold. It was worthing of some sort of TV movie starring Dennis Franz, it really was. There’s not enough time to go into all that though. We invited the toads to stay but they made excuses about meeting with a self-help group run by two otters and a bullfinch in Birmingham and then promptly disappeared. Luckily the Seedy Garage is chocked full of wonders and we can afford to let them go. They’ll be back. They always come back…’
July 18th, 2011
Dear Mr Mclever
Letters of praise are always good to receive, so thank you for taking the time to let us know how much you enjoyed Terrys Chocolate Orange.
We do our best to maintain a consistently high quality for all our products and it’s great to receive such appreciative comments about them.
Thanks again for writing.
Kraft Foods
So let’s review: they got my name wrong, it took about two weeks to reply and they didn’t really address the questions I asked. I am not in this for material gain and the absence of any vouchers etc does not come into it. Sigh, I am sorry Kraft but despite your enthusiastic response you shoot straight to number 5 in the chart.
Where will we go next? Pass me a map and several pins.
July 15th, 2011
I have been told to make a return to Da Beans. So here I am, making a return. I am returning.
I can now add this thing to the list of things I have been told to do. This includes:
- Tidy my room
- Be quiet
- Stop making that face
- Don’t do that
- Please don’t do that
- Stop touching me
- Get your finger out of my drink
- Don’t talk about that any more
- Go sit quietly over there
I have not been told to insert a picture of a dog riding a bicycle, but I am choosing to do this of my own accord, and you can’t stop me.
July 11th, 2011
This month Des’ree turns her attention to another desperate and unfufilled barney. We are sorry for the absence of her presence the previous months but there was a few legal issues we were ironing out. She’s back mind, with a grin and a shaky hand. This time Sheila Penzance needs her ivories tinkling:
Sheila Penzance: Dear Des’ree, I know that you are a woman of the world so I know I can come to you with whatever batzoid mental query I might have. I was going to say that you’ve been around the houses however that’s too much of a cliche. Let’s be blunt; I am sexually aroused by sewers. Ever since I was a teenager I couldn’t help but feel a tingle in my tringle when walking past a manhole (how ironic a name). Now, aged 35, it hasn’t gone away. It got so bad once when stood at a bus stop, and the bus was delayed by thirty minutes, and I was right next to a sewer grate, and I felt hot and my heart was racing and… I won’t go into too much detail. Can you please help me to sort my head out? I told a priest at confession one time and they were still laughing a week later. I am a mess and only you can help.
Des’ree: Life, oh life, oh life, oh life.
Helping others really gives me a good vibe you couldn’t dent with a two by four. We are glad to hear from you Ms Penzance; hopefully you are on the swooping path of normality.
And for the love of kolobok, if anyone tries to tell you that Buddy Holly wasn’t born in Lubbock, Texas pock them in the eyes with a fishfinger.
July 8th, 2011
You know I haven’t really been here for a while. I think its twitter’s fault. Before twitter my random outpourings had nowhere to go but facebook, (and I’ve never really liked facebook. To me it was just the thing that filled the gap between myspace and what I now know to be twitter) so they ended up on here.
Dont get me wrong, I’m by no means a prolific twitterer, but when i think of odd little things, they’re seldom worth more that 140 characters anyway. I’m not the sort of person who writes blogs. I’ve just not got much to write. I live a fairly mundane (but very happy) life, nobody wants to read about that, and even less people want to read about what I did with a stubborn server this afternoon.
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this, but its the nearest thing to a blog post Ive written in a long time, so just… well… erm. Yeah.
You see.
July 5th, 2011
Gravity. It’s a funny old thing. Having to explain the idea of gravity to a six year old is very hard work, that is until he decided he’d had enough and walked off, waving me away like a fly on his ice cream. Here’s me hanging from a swinging trying to explain why things have to go down with nobody to listen to, so I started singing a song about it which instantly upset the aforementioned six year old even more. Kids hate it when their parents sing.
I’ll slap some ukulele to it later when I’m not as sweaty and not listening to the Eels. So here, enjoy some music-free assorted lyrics:
Gravity means a lot to me
Gravity won’t set me free
Gravity has a lot to answer to
I can’t fly and that makes me blue
Gravity means the rocks and trees
Won’t fly away in the morning breeze
I can cough and I can wheeze
Gravity makes me very displeased
Gravity won’t listen to reason
Gravity isn’t affected by seasons
It can’t be bought, beaten or bribed
It’s hollow as fuck and has no insides
Gravity, gravity, gravity
Grab my neck and let go of me
Let me sink to the top of the sea
Let me swim to another galaxy
Of course there’s no air in space
So I’d more than likely asphyxiate
I’m doing it on my own time though
It’s my decision I hope you know
Gravity. Take a poke at me.
I’ll poke back, just wait and see.
Yeah, take that science. You’ve just had the full force of musical harmony dangled in your chops. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Jim!
July 3rd, 2011
According to the title of this post this is the Official Halfway Through The Year post.
So we must be halfway through 2011 otherwise this post wouldn’t make sense.
How about that?
July 1st, 2011
