I don’t understand

Could do with some help here. I know what BEEF is, that’s no problem. It’s delicious.

But I can’t work out what BEEF stands for. Do you know?

17 comments August 6th, 2009 Chris

Things around me

Hello children! It’s time for another brilliant list of all the things that are in close proximity to me!

• fancy new VOIP telephone that doesn’t work very well, and requires you to press “OK” after you dial a number or it won’t do anything.
• 330ml bottle of Tesco apple juice (from concentrate), with about 40% of juice remaining.
• thermal non-spill mug with dregs of coffee in it.
• my portable telephone, currently set to vibrate.
• keyboard, manufactured by HP, with silver strip around the function keys.
• large speaker which is hardwired to Network Ringmain Point 22, so if you switch it on you can hear the Afghan Stream as carried by BBC FM relays in Kabul, Mazar and Herat.
• pair of Canford headphones, level limited to -93dBA, with tangled cable.
• lid of my USB pen drive.
• empty plastic cup.
• grey optical mouse with scroll wheel.
• my hands.

I will be delighted to answer your questions on this subject. Please raise your hand if you wish to make an enquiry.

16 comments August 5th, 2009 Chris

Memory Jiggety Jog

Does anyone remember this? It was at the end of a “serious” discussion how Jack Penate was crowned Silly Bint of the Month back in December 2007. If it was one of you two own up now although I think this cat is an outsider.

I especially liked the description of me being at school and jacking off. What a perv.

62. Dan | September 17th, 2008 at 22:09 Are you being serious? Do you honestly think that Jack Penate is as lowly and terrible as the likes of the Spice Girls and Dido? If so, then you are by far the most closed-minded, idiocratic, non-sensical pleb I have ever had the lack of pleasure meeting. Fair do’s, I respect that different people have different tastes, some people like their indie, other enjoy a bit of hip hop. Bu then there’s you…I’m guessing you sit in your room after school and lock yourself away from the outside world, perhaps masturbating or listening to bands that either time has forgotten or no one has ever heard of. Jack Penate is a new age artist, his lyrics are true to the times and the trials and tribulations of life. Everyone can relate to at least one of his songs, if they say they can’t…they lie! Why the hell would you label such an artist a ‘Bint’? Do you have any idea what a bint is? You really are a clueless young lad/ladette, and your silly little post has enduced this rage! I hope you are proud! Long live Penate!

14 comments August 4th, 2009 Ian

Location, Location

Er yeah fellas I only thought to ask politely when I say

“Where the fuck is the book we’ve been writing?” and

“Why doesn’t anyone come on anymore?” and

“Would someone like to give me some money so I can make a prototype of the Pap-Babble-Apple-Ator?”

12 comments July 30th, 2009 Ian

Newsboost Zoom Flume – Eddie Outrageous quits music

Outspoken and morally incorrect “musician” Eddie Outrageous has today confirmed that he is quitting the music business, citing claims that it isn’t the same as it was when he began in 2007. (more…)

10 comments July 27th, 2009 Ian

Silly Bint Of The Month – Hannah Montana / Miley Cyrus

This should have come sooner, but it didn’t. Technically it counts as two given that this is a blatant attack on both the spawn of Billy Ray Cyrus and the piece of sh*t show she stars in. For all those SBM purists out there I do apologise but it had to be done. (more…)

21 comments July 21st, 2009 Ian

Mr Cockall’s inventions: Beef Rays

Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrows geniuses (using song)

Who are you? Cathy Partslammer

What’s the idea? Beef Rays

What is it? So often we try to enjoy beef or beef-based products as part of our busy modern lifestyle. But we are hampered by the difficulty of obtaining delicious beef. Once it has been extracted from the cows, it must be manhandled and jerrymandered before it arrives on our teeth. With Beef Rays, all that is in the past.

What does it do? The consumer Beef Ray takes up no more space in your kitchen than a washing machine or chest freezer. Plug it in, hook it up to your satellite dish and away you go. At the meat processing plant, beef is packaged and then transmitted via satellite live into your home. You simply select a channel on your Beef Ray receiver – diced, minced, roasting joint or entire cow – and it is beamed to you directly. You are billed an extortionate amount at a later date.

What are you gonna do about it? Nothing! Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)

7 comments July 20th, 2009 Chris

Modern Life Template

I have recently been informed that two astonishing new phrases have been immediately made up for the consumption of da beans website. They come aficionado and long-time sponsor Keveel De Heel, currently showing his work around the Northern shores of Italy.

Unfortunately due to his busy work schedule Mr De Heel didn’t have time to tell us what they meant so it has been thrown open to da beans community to establish their meanings. They are as follows:

Sponge Hammer
Cleaning out the fish bowl

Pet away! Pet away!

10 comments July 20th, 2009 Ian

Chris’s Calendar: July

As handsome a picture as any you’ll see in the calendar this year. I’m very pleased with this – we went to great lengths to get just the right shot and luckily it all paid off.

EEFY McJEEFY knows a few people in the Admiralty, so we got a knock-down rate of £18,000,000 to hire an aircraft carrier for a fortnight. We sailed it out to the Indian Ocean for just the right shade of blue water, then set it off towards the helicopter (which we stole in Madeira) at full speed. EEFY was up in the copter, lining up the shot, and on his signal I did a fabulous pirouette  off the far side of the vessel. Dressed in a see-through nightie and the most fabulous string of pearls, the picture captures me in mid flight as I spin gracefully towards the water. The control tower completely obscures any view of me from EEFY McJEEFY’s vantage point.

A beautiful shot of a single moment in time, captured perfectly, I think you’ll agree. It’s definitely one of my favourites.

10 comments July 10th, 2009 Chris

Vixen Hawk Episode Guide

Get up-a, get on up. Get up-a, get on up.
Arrive on the scene, at 3:15 (get on up).
Get up-a, get on up. Get up-a, get on up.
Come on the scene with a sparkling tureen. (James Brown – the early posh years). (more…)

10 comments July 8th, 2009 Ian