Here’s one in the eye for all those literary buffs who think that we’re all about nonsensical futile discussions about chagrins and stuff. This here represents the highest point in modern fiction. Thanks to the remenants of Chris Industries we managed to secure the rights to publish the debut story by Byzantium Terror, a whiper snapper of unbelievable proportions.
Read the first part and loathe yourself.
Pet away! Pet away! (more…)
June 15th, 2009
Ian
I’ve been keeping quiet about this, but a few days ago I was called very early in the morning by the Archbishop of Brixton who said I needed to take a cab to Buckingham Palace immediately. So I put on a smartish t-shirt and headed down there, and blow me if Queen Liz wasn’t there sobbing into her cornflakes. Her butler, Tootingtons, explained that she was sick of being a queen and all her life had wanted to make fry-ups in a cafe on the Brentwood Bypass. I pointed out that the Brentwood Bypass wasn’t opened until about twenty years after her coronation, but he wasn’t interested.
Anyway, before she could get her hands greasy she had to find a replacement and I was the best person in the world, so I was the obvious choice. In the end I agreed to become King Christopher I on the condition that they kept it quiet and didn’t make a fuss. So we had a low-key coronation at Westminster Abbey, and I am now king while Liz is buttering toast in a lay-by on the A12.
I decided that, while I wouldn’t be giving up my job or moving out of my flat or having my face on coins and stamps, I should do something to commemorate what is quite an exciting personal development. The first thing I did was declare that Streatham will now be known as Streatham Regis, in light of my living there during my reign. The second thing was that I need a carriage of state in which I can process through my realm and which can transport me to state events.
So on Thursday I went over to Danrick Autos in Basildon and bought this:
If I pass you in the street, please stop and remove your hat in respect for your new low-key head of state.
June 14th, 2009
Chris
Winthrop was always an exciting person, a thrilling rollercoaster ride in a sea of dullards who think nothing more than exchanging glasses of port and discussing trivial matters. I remember one time we were making a passage through India searching for the lost artefacts of Bab Nool Yony and we’d taken camp beside a small grove hidden away from the main path. Everyone had settled down for the night and despite not knowing what the exact time it was I guessed it somewhere around 1am that Winthrop started running around in his long johns. I asked why he was undertaking such a chore at such a late hour and his reasons were threefold: one, the dragonfly had told him that a lightning demon was coming to take his soul, two, several ducks were angry at him for not noticing their new upholstery and three, a scorpion had bitten him on the Rodger Dodgers. I laughed louder than the time Lady Islington accidentally inhaled her monocle. It took all the servants to hold him down. We were all very happy to learn that Winthrop hadn’t been poisoned and that removal of the venom was not required. The line of worried faces was indescribable.
June 12th, 2009
Ian
Woo, guess who’s back…. Thats right, WE ARE!
Continue Reading June 12th, 2009
Kevil
You want action? You want adventure? You want girls (or maybe just one)?
You need VIXEN HAWK!
(more…)
May 27th, 2009
Ian
Hey kids, this world is in dire need of some excitement and joy and I am here to spread it with the help of a couple of friends of mine. I think you’ve HEARD of them. Hu hah! Hu hah!
(more…)
May 26th, 2009
Ian
Whilst having my shoes buffed at the local buffery yesterday I noticed a rucus occuring across the street. I paid Gepetto, the friendly Northerner, his usual fee of two carneys and went over to investigate. Before I got the chance to lodge an interest I was attacked by three chagrins. They were bad, Gabby Hayes bad. The leader had two eyepatches and a mohawk which he used to tickle underneath my chin. The other two danced a disturbing dance of pain before nutting me in the Welcomes.
Thankfully a rival gang of Chagrins, the Chirpies, were teaching some limpets how to draw circles nearby and came to my rescue. Sometimes I wonder if they are both a curse and a gift, then I remember how much the Chagrin has given to the modern world and I immediately weep openly like a bitch.
May 18th, 2009
Ian
Just so you all know, I am still here, I’m just lacking umpf lately.
If anyone knows wehre I can aquire some, that would be most handy….
May 11th, 2009
Kevil
This month’s picture I am really happy with – and as I said before, it was just a chance picture that EEFY McJEEFY took while I happened to be out of sight for a moment.
There I was, froclicking in the breakers in my two-piece swimsuit and my hair in pigtails, when I stepped behind the large rock on the right to have a slash. And click! The picture was done. Wonderful image, and quite sexy too.
May 6th, 2009
Chris
Slow as slow can be
So stumbles the drunken Christmas Tree.
Dragging behind the pieces of the past
In a tatty old sack that will never last,
He scours the streets for the last sign of hope,
Something to help him, something to cope.
Sloshing in his stomach a full bottle of gin,
Lacking the whimsy, the joy and his grin.
December is gone, like the fragments of his mind,
Like the cosy living room he left behind.
Arthur “Lemon” Lemonson – 2009
May 6th, 2009
Ian
Next Posts
Previous Posts
