I’ve worked out what we’re missing here at Da Beans. We’re like a glossy magazine, full of interesting articles and views. But we don’t have a nice page where you can sit down with a warm beverage and a pen and stretch your brain muscles.
That’s why I have put together the first Beans Quiz Page. Enjoy!
20 comments April 27th, 2009 Chris
Following on from last month’s piece about moody badgers this week we are looking at the damage that drunk owls are having not on their natural habit and the English countryside but also on society itself.
16 comments April 27th, 2009 Ian
The Not Report was not an idea by Christopher J Marshall and written by Ian P McIver from a task created by Christopher J Marshall during a conversation with Ian P McIver.
You will not get the chance to read about my fruitless efforts at trying to get a new life in the space of a few days, nor will you see the whole thing set out in a pleasing format.
12 comments April 22nd, 2009 Ian
A stupid ginger appears. He sees an advertisement that says if you give someone your phone they will give you money for it. He goes looking for his old phone in his attic and surprisingly it is propped up handily, waiting to be plucked from what looks like a plant pot. The stupid ginger chuckles to himself. He checks the website and chuckles again. Minutes later he receives a cheque for £32.00 meaning this money will go to him for being stupid and not selling his phone on Ebay like everyone else does.
I love television me.
18 comments April 12th, 2009 Ian
I knew it.
It was as if it came to me in a a dream, but not really a dream. A sort of fluffy dream cloud, like a dream, where it rested in my ears and settled like snow on a quilted meadowtop. In any case I have found conclusive proof that somebody, someone, a certain person predicted the glocal recession YEARS before. Oh yes, after much digging and deliberation I can reveal that that person is… Shania Twain.
Oh you may scoff like the rest of them did but here’s the proof chummies. Read these lyrics from her multi-award-winning best-single-ever song ‘Ka-Ching’:
“We’ve created us a credit card mess
We spend the money we don’t possess
Our religion is to go and blow it all
So it’s shopping every Sunday at the mall.”
And:
“When you’re broke go and get a loan
Take out another mortgage on your home
Consolidate so you can afford
To go an spend some more when you get bored.”
See? This was back in 2003. I didn’t see U2 or Bob Geldof grabbing a microphone and trying to warn us but she had the foresight. Even though the song was shit she dared to stand up and predict the future. Madam, I gesticulate in your general direction.
20 comments April 9th, 2009 Ian
Greetings. Doctor Humphrey Bumfrey, MD, here. I have come to deliver a report on the state of Da Beans. My findings are as follows. (more…)
16 comments April 7th, 2009 Chris
Quaff. I am Quaff. Quaff is the future, everything else is the past.
Quaff has taken the medium of everything and turned it on its head, leaving a small puddle. It is from this puddle that the original ideas that Quaff has developed come from. Quaff will one day dominate the world and everyone, from the smallest glint in their parents’ eyes to the tallest man with a chunky face, will know the name Quaff.
Leave a note for your brain to take note at the lessons you will learn from Quaff.
Quaff.
19 comments April 7th, 2009 Ian
Here’s my calendar picture for this month.
I’m inside the building on the left, on the second floor, in a room at the back, wearing stockings, suspenders and a pair of Daffy Duck boxer shorts that are rather figure-hugging.
10 comments April 4th, 2009 Chris
People are being put under increasing pressure to buy carbonated soft drinks, a recent study has revealed.
Men and women between the ages of 21 and 47 are having their co-workers, bosses and relative unknowns come up to them in the work place and force them to buy numerous canned beverages. The phenomena, known as ‘Can Bullying’, originated from the US but has found its way into UK via a series of carefully administrated plastic straws across the Atlantic.
George Loft, head of BIW (Bullying Is Wrong), has commented, “This is unacceptable, totally unacceptable. I myself have suffered ‘Can Bullying’ first hand and the immense pressure is truly frightening. People have to know that this is out there and it can affect you. The forty-eight year olds should be thanking their lucky stars.”
Victims have said that it will start off with a simple conversation but suddenly turns sour. The bully will then continue to repeat the same lines over and over again, usually asking whether the person would like a drink or not. They refuse to leave until the victim has given in and handed over the correct change for which the bully will then vacate the area and return with a cold infusion of some sort, mostly carbonated and made of vegtables.
Government Watchdogs have refused to comment, although they probably wouldn’t have told us anything anyway.
17 comments April 1st, 2009 Ian
UNBELIEVABLY it’s been nearly a year since I last bestowed upon you a week of the week, so this week it’s time for another week of the week to be manifested. This week’s week will therefore be a lovely week that will leave you weak at the knees. It is possibly the most varied week of the week so far, taking the week fan from the grandeur of Papal announcements and two wars down to the tragedy of one man dying whose first name and location remain unknown.
Our week of the week this week is 14-20 August 1898.
Sunday 14 August 1898 – the USA sends 11,000 troops to occupy the Philippines, a turning point that saw the end of the Spanish-American War and the start of the Philippine-American War.
Monday 15 August 1898 – Hugh D. Auchinloss, who would later be Virginia’s delegate to the Republican National Convention, celebrates his first birthday.
Tuesday 16 August 1898 – Pope Leo XIII issues a Quam Religiosa expressing his sadness at the introduction of a law in Peru that permitted civil marriage.
Wednesday 17 August 1898 – Mr. Price dies.
Thursday 18 August 1898 – Sarah McGlone, 60 years of age, falls down a well in County Armagh. Peter Hughes, a farmer, took great personal risk in being lowered down the well. He rescued her.
Friday 19 August 1898 – Science Magazine‘s latest issue is published, including an interesting article titled “Observations on Blue Jays” by Dr. Hiram M. Stanley on page 223.
Saturday 20 August 1898 – Sigmund Freud writes to Wilhelm Fliess, saying “Your lines have brought back to me the pleasures of my vacation.”
A rapturously joyful week, you will no doubt agree, and hoorah for that!
21 comments March 30th, 2009 Chris