Mr. Cockall interviews yesterday’s geniuses (using song)
Who are you? Jumping McYarm
What’s the Idea? Cars.
What is it? An ingenious transportation method
What does it do? It’s the age old problem: “I’m over here and I want to go over there. It’s quite a long way and I’ve just sold my horse to the glue factory” Well, what do you do? I’ll tell you. You hop into your new “car”. These little babies dont even need to rest, just fill ’em up with liquid petroleum and let the controlled explosions effortlessly power you anywhere you’d like to go. Coming soon… The van! For when you want to go over there and take 437lbs of apples with you!
So what are you gonna do about it? Nothing (!) Mr. Cockall, it’s already done!
July 16th, 2008
Kevil
In a desperate attempt to make some money in this bitter climate I have reached the lowest of the low. No, not telemarketing (“You know Susan, you would look good in this stunning summer blouse cum tin opener replacement made from unused leeks”). Although I think I would be good at it.
I have been making photocopies of my bottom and pretending that they belong to celebrities. The photocopier at work has never seen as much action! We have, for him, the George Clooney (tight and rugged), the Rowland Rivron (flabby but fun) and the Clint Eastwood (off the scale). For her we have the Angelina Jolie (sexy and soft), the Rosie O’Donnell (tugging at straws) and, ho ho ho, the Amy Winehouse (huge crack).
If anyone wants any signed copies please feel free to request them.
£50.00 + VAT.
July 8th, 2008
Ian
A man has cut off his head in protest at the costs of haircuts at his local barbers today.
Jimmy Bumble, a resident of the village Whickersham in Leicestershire, took a pair of pinking shears and sliced through his neck to leave him without a head. This comes after recent news that saw the price of a simple trim rise to the astonishing fee of £6.07.
“You can’t let things like this lie,” said Mr Bumble, 89, speaking from underneath his own armpit. “If they think that is a reasonable sum just to spend five minutes removing growing hairs from my pimply noggin, well, let them. I’d sooner cut my own head off than… oh wait.”
The village of Whickersham has received a fair amount of bad publicity recently after several accounts of granny napping and bovine juggling were reported by worried residents. People have blamed this on the tanker of glycol fog that tipped over last year, poisoning the water supply and causing general havoc.
The barbers shop in question do not wish to be named and have refused to comment on Mr Bumble’s actions, although they did offer to trim the whole crew for twenty quid.
Mac Mackford – June 2008
June 30th, 2008
Ian
Now I know its not polite to discuss regligion and politics, but I’d like to draw your attention to Pastafarianism. It seems to tick all my boxes, and if agreed I’d like to make it the official religion of da Beans, see what you think…
http://www.venganza.org/
June 27th, 2008
Kevil
If someone asks you if you are lying, and you say “yes”, what does that mean?
Why is it the that the bubbles in the bath are always white no matter what colour the liquid was?
Who designs benches?
Does a horse ever get so hungry it could eat a horse?
June 20th, 2008
Kevil
I would like to propose a new rule set that all children must abide by. Those who do not, or who refuse to ratify and sign the charter on their day of birth, will be shunned, spurned and decked before being extradited to Norway, which has been designated as a land for rampant children. All adults are being evacuated from Norway and its borders are being fortified.
The draft charter goes thus:
1. Childs shall sleep for eight continuous hours per night.
2. Childs shall not wake before 0700 hrs local time, and on waking, shall silently wait until invited to leave bed by a parent or guardian.
3. Childs shall ask for batteries to be removed from noise-making toys before playing with them.
4. Childs shall eat what everyone else eats instead of whining they don’t like it and demanding special treatment that usually involves fish fingers and lots of ketchup.
5. On public transport – or, actually, anywhere in public – childs shall shut the fuck up.
If you wish to add your own clauses to this manifesto, please feel free. It will make a better world for us all.
June 18th, 2008
Chris
Some interesting comments were brought up yesterday about Fireman Sam:
1) You never see his brother or sister who are the parents of those irritating kids who follow him around? Have they left? Are they charvers? Or is it the simple fact that Sam is actually their real dad and there’s some scandal going down in Pontypandy?
2) There’s a lot of action that goes down in such a small Welsh village. Do you think that the fire service are deliberately causing accidents, like pushing Trevor down wells and messing with Norman’s skateboard, so that they have something to do?
3) An Italian restaurant in a small village anywhere, where the population looks about 15, would not survive. Is Bella using the local cats in her recipes or does she have some rich Mafia boss living elsewhere in the world who funds her failing business?
4) Fireman Sam is a young, fit (not my words), active person and yet he’s single. This doesn’t happen in everyday life. Does he drive into town every night for some “Night Lady Action” or does he “bat for the other side”?
Your comments please.
June 3rd, 2008
Ian
Now then my little monkeys.
I was thinking today about clever adverts. Some band, who are apparently called the Pigeon Detectives, have apparently got some poxy new album out, or something, at the moment. Who cares. Well, I care, not because their music is worth another second of my precious lifespan, but because the advertising for it is clever. OK, so they have billboard adverts around the place.
But this is the clever thing, you see. The album’s called “Emergency”. Emergency, right? So on my way to work yesterday, the railings of a building site I passed had this red and blue tape around it, blocking off holes and making it look like an accident scene. They said EMERGENCY and PIGEON DETECTIVES on them. “That”, I thought to myself, “is clever”.
The Mystery Jets had their logo sprayed on phone boxes near my work earlier in the year too, which is quite good, because it’s a weird plane thing with a question mark in it. So it is actually a mystery. See what they did there?
And apparently last night on Channel 4, Honda did an advert with skydivers spelling out the word ‘HONDA’ that was broadcast live. Flipping heck.
Brilliant. What other clever adverts are kicking around?
May 30th, 2008
Chris
So I recently finished Halo on the X-Box (after ripping through the last level in the jeep, falling 100ft down and not losing any energy, and then doing a runner to the big pointy space ship) and it wasn’t the hardest game in the world. This was probably due to the fact that I was playing on the normal level of difficulty. What did my eyes greet me when I had finished though? A short film of me blasting off saying in typical fashion, “I don’t think this is the last we’ve seen of them, in fact I think this is just the beginning.” Oh dear, are you setting me up for Halo 2? It was crap. If I had spent £300 odd quid on the console (remember it was free ladies and gentlemen) and then £50 on the game I would have been throwing my owl around in frustration.
Another disappointment was the last episode of Dexter. All in all I have no beef with it because it was exceptionally good all the way through and that they didn’t keep the other guy alive and he was forced to kill him was the best way but something so tacky as it being his brother? Predictable. Shod. They may as well have had the police chief in on it too and have some wise cracking good cop killed off a few days before his retirement. My loins hunger for more fufilling closing credits.
I might try ‘The Crying Game’…
May 19th, 2008
Ian
I’m writing this post on a stupidly expensive gadget which I quite clearly cannot afford. It enables me to read my emails and look at websites and that while sitting on a train (like now), or while lying in bed, or mincing along the street like some 21st century trendy London dweller, as though I was an internet connected Austin Powers.
I hate Austin Powers.
I am able to do this because last night I went out and spent a massive amount of money on an iPhone. I am not proud of this, but it is so shiny that I am finding it hard to care because it really is vey shiny and sexy and that.
I can’t afford this and will regret it before too long, but as I told myself as I left the O2 shop, I needed a new phone because my old one is shagged, and in any case, fuck it, you only live once. Hurrah for impulse buys!
May 17th, 2008
Chris
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