Now, there isn’t much scope for wildlife in Willington Quay. Unless of course you include my downstairs neighbours. But, and Bill Oddie would be sooooooooooooooo proud, we have an OWL. Yes, gennelmen, an OWL. I hear it in the mornings, McIver doesn’t and in fact takes the piss out of me because of it. But its there. It has been known to park its bum on my roof. I have christened him “Bunter” in homage to Frank Richards wonderful character, Billy Bunter, aka “The Fat Owl of the Remove”. So its either that, or McIver is really Harry Potter and the owl is there as his postal system.
May 16th, 2008
Auds
Welcome to the newest article to hit the shores of Beans Island. It’s sort of a sisterly accompanyment to the ‘Silly Bint of the Month’ but with fresh ideas and more longevity… actually that’s a lie because I’ve only managed to think of a couple of people who this might apply to. Nonetheless it’s never kept a good man down, head to the ground, keep the ground hit running fast nicely.
Today I wish to discuss current NME-w*nk act the Ting Tings. They’ve been hyped to buggery and to be honest their music is about as catchy as a peppercorn in a tuxedo. Everyone is wetting themselves about this “band”, because I use the term very loosely, and I can’t see the appeal OTHER than the fact that Katie White is quite attractive. Erm, not judging by the photo on wikipedia though (it borders on munterly). It’s best if we put that one to one side. I personally resent most songs that include the term DJ because it’s a lazy thing to do. Yeah come on DJ, play that song DJ, make me dance DJ, it’s hardly Shakespeare and even if Shakespeare knew what a DJ was I expect he could have written a better song. Let’s take a look at lyrics to previous single ‘Great DJ’.
“Imagine all the girls,
Ah ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
And the boys,
Ah ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
And the strings,
Eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee.
And the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums”
And so on, grand! I hope that they die a slow death. Peace out.
May 13th, 2008
Ian
Roll up! Roll up! Come one, come all…
Come in and enjoy the wonderful world of fruit based fascists, today I have great pleaseure to present you, the marvelous viewing public with…
Continue Reading May 7th, 2008
Kevil
Now, I love this programme and McIver doesn’t. He watches it under duress. But last nights was a classic. The teams had to devise 2 new occasions for which to sell greetings cards. One bunch of numpties chose “Happy Singles Day” which was to run on 13th February. The day before Valentine’s Day, when the shops are full of slushy shit (I say this, as I never get one, being single). The other bunch of fuckwits chose a card to encourage you to save the environment. I kid you not. “Let’s save the environment – how can we do that?” “I know, send a card to everybody we know telling them to save the environment”. “Great idea”. These people, my dear friends, are future captains of industry. No doubt they will be elevated to top jobs at Northern Rock. Car crash TV, but I am addicted. There’s a bit of snobbery about watching the Apprentice. It’s Big Brother, suited and booted.
May 1st, 2008
Auds
It’s time to look back now at some of the silly bints from past gone days of old. Today’s history lesson comes courtsy of a man who was once named ‘Italy’s most well dressed hick’ Mr Vivaldi Conosucus.
Time has over shadowed his important in one of the great disasters of the then modern and now old times. Many think that when Mount Vesuvius erupted it was because it wanted to. Recent findings have come across an altogether different account. Apparently Mr Conosucus was having a picnic at the very peak of the volcano by himself because his sister, Henrietta, was off having a song written by the Fratellis about her. He was in the middle of a packet of custard creams when a moistened chipmunk popped up from the ground, frightening the young man and consequently knocking a cucumber into the heated vat of doom. And doom it was, for minutes later the volcano burst forth with hot, lava juices, destroying the nearby cities of Pompeii and Herculaneum and knocking over a lemonade stand.
Vivaldi escaped by the skin of his teeth by selling it to a old man in exchange for a pair of wings. He was last seen trying to invent a dance using only his trousers.
April 28th, 2008
Ian
Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrow’s geniuses (using song)
Who are you? Ernest McFurnace
What’s the Idea? Toast-it Notes, the warm, crisp and adhesive breakfast.
What is it? The only breakfast that can help you memorise your to-do list.
What does it do? Many people have trouble at work because they forget what they have to do during the day. Some people write it down, but this system is fraught with social and practical problems.
That’s where Toast-it Notes can help. At breakfast time, drop a pad of Toast-it Notes in your toaster. When they’ve popped up, butter them and then write one item from your to-do list on each one. Then enjoy their crunchy, toasty taste.
While you go to work, the Toast-it Notes are at work inside your stomach, using their patented adhesive to stick to your stomach lining, allowing you to ingest your daily tasks direct into your bloodstream.
You’ll never forget an important appointment again!
So what are you gonna do about it? Nothing (!) Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)
April 24th, 2008
Chris
I stumbled accross this little gem and thought i would share the fun with you all:
http://ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com/
Enjoy.
April 17th, 2008
Kevil
Yes I have returned, to so much fanfare I think my ears are bleeding in disgust *silence…*
I haven’t really done much to be honest. I haven’t been able to write anything for a while hence the lack of content on here and on Face-A*se-Book. It was mainly to do with work like pushing me into a small tupperware box, as with everyone else, and them expecting us to see the funny side of it. Sigh, but I’m better now.
Have I been living an active lifestyle? I’ll answer that right now and say, “chuff no!” Aside from squeezing in late night sessions on Halo on a free X-Box given to us by a nice lady at work, trying to learn the guitar and jogging twice a week it’s been the same routine of Reuben and work.
Have YOU *points* been doing anything worth knowing?
April 15th, 2008
Ian
This afternoon, it was brought to my attention (by Mr. Marshall) that another blog was linking directly to images on our glorious site.
The image in question is the Eagles album cover that Ian opsted in his Mr Smudgey Exposé. As you can see if you visit the offending blog, we were a bit devious about getting his to think about stopping doing it…
http://blogdoikee.blogspot.com/2008/04/eagles-1976-hotel-california-01-hotel.html
Tee hee hee.
April 9th, 2008
Kevil
It’s been pretty quiet round here lately, so what better to stoke up the discussion than another ever-popular Week of the Week? The last Week of the Week was, you might remember, slightly controversial because it discussed such a very well-known week. Well, as promised, this week’s Week of the Week will be a real undiscovered gem: a true prize week, but not as well known as most other weeks are.
This week’s Week of the Week is 20-26 November 1932.
Sunday 20 November 1932 – Wilbur A. Sawyer writes to his wife Margaret from Cape Town, saying: “The weather has been fine, cool except for a few hours in the afternoon.”
Monday 21 November 1932 – Following an explosion at Cardowan Colliery, Glasgow, on the 16th, the Scotsman reports that Shettleston Co-operative Society has donated £50 towards relief work.
Tuesday 22 November 1932 – T.E. Lawrence warns that “celibacy has its dangers!” in correspondence with G.W.M. Dunn.
Wednesday 23 November 1932 – In the Irish Dáil, Mr Anthony asks whether Mr Derrig is aware that the appointment of Mr Cornelius McGiff as school attendance officer has caused “a good deal of discussion in Cork City”.
Thursday 24 November 1932 – The FBI Scientific Crime Detection Laboratory opens in Washington, D.C.
Friday 25 November 1932 – Melbourne Cricket Club gives Tate his first outing. He bowls out New South Wales, scoring 4-63.
Saturday 26 November 1932 – There is a small amount of restrained celebration to mark the tenth anniversary of Howard Carter and Lord Carnarvon’s discovery of the tomb of Tutankhamun.
A bracing whirlwind of a week, I’m sure you will all agree – obscure but by no means dull.
April 9th, 2008
Chris
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