Posts filed under 'Great'
Whilst having my shoes buffed at the local buffery yesterday I noticed a rucus occuring across the street. I paid Gepetto, the friendly Northerner, his usual fee of two carneys and went over to investigate. Before I got the chance to lodge an interest I was attacked by three chagrins. They were bad, Gabby Hayes bad. The leader had two eyepatches and a mohawk which he used to tickle underneath my chin. The other two danced a disturbing dance of pain before nutting me in the Welcomes.
Thankfully a rival gang of Chagrins, the Chirpies, were teaching some limpets how to draw circles nearby and came to my rescue. Sometimes I wonder if they are both a curse and a gift, then I remember how much the Chagrin has given to the modern world and I immediately weep openly like a bitch.
May 18th, 2009
Today I used the word ‘vestibule’ and giggled like a school girl.
Does that make me wrong?
March 19th, 2009
Buddha’s Guide To Living
1. The world must be divided into pairs, whether husband and wife, brother to brother or friend with friend.
2. One person must be chillin’.
3. One person must be illin’.
4. Said pair can nominate another person to do the illin’ so they can perform the act of chillin’ either immediately or at a later time. You do not necessarily have to know the person you nominate.
February 11th, 2009
Dear the 1980’s,
How are you? I haven’t heard from you in a while. Come to think of it you haven’t been in touch for at least, what, nineteen years now? That is quite a long time. Being only twenty-five that’s most of my life. Have you been up to much? Occasionally something will come up and I’ll think of you: Thundercats, Transformers, A-Ha and the likes of school boy memories that I have since forgotten about or shunned for much more up-to-date stuff like the fact that you can now buy mobile phones that do almost anything. You tried those didn’t you 1980’s? You tried so hard but it was such a brick you can’t help but look back and laugh. Some things were acceptable in the 80’s, according to some berk, however that clearly wasn’t.
You also tried games consoles too. I had to wait ten minutes for my brother’s BBC Master to load up Ziggy and by then I had to go for my bath. It was pretty pathetic. Rubbish even! Now you can crack off some inane RPG online like World of Warcraft within minutes and play with people all over the world, can sneak around in realistic environments in Metal Gear (do you remember that? Your version had dodgy colours) or play Mario Kart on the shitter. Such things were just a dream to you 1980’s.
I don’t mean to be mean but when you keep away this long I cannot help but feel bitter, like you couldn’t even be bothered to write or leave a message or anything. Occasionally something like ‘We Love 1980’s’ would come on and I would get excited thinking that you were coming back. Nothing. Monster Munch and Whispas were returned to our shops. Nothing. It’s just not good enough and I can’t just hang around every day waiting and expecting the same thing we had nineteen years ago. So it’s over, 1980’s. Just go and don’t even try any snivelling apology. Stay away and never come back.
Yours Sincerely
Ian McIver
P.S. Although if you do have some Lucky Charms left I’ll take some. I’m not paying to import the mo’ fo’s from the US – they can whistle dixie for all I care!
February 3rd, 2009
Look me in the eye and tell me you haven’t been tempted. I’m right there in front of you, sat there in your line of vision. Don’t look away, don’t be coy I can see you’re interested. Beneath that tough exterior lies a heart just like anyone else. I can feel it. You could easily reach out and grab me, use me. It would be so simple. Nobody would think any less of you. In fact you would probably be praised, applauded even. You never know unless you try. I want you to. My purpose is for you and only you, no-one else. I won’t be here forever. It’s your choice but I’d rather have you than someone else. This the most honest I can be. I wouldn’t lie about something like this. So do it right now. Push out the boat; take the bull by the horns. Lean forward and tell me you want me, like you want to. Whisper sweet nothings to me without a second thought. Be rough, as rough as you want to, if that’s what you want. I look delicate but I’m tough. I can take whatever you want to give me. I can handle myself, I’m so used to it now. Put it down. Right now. Right on top of me. Swirl it about a bit. Swivel it from side to side. Shake it. Spill it all over me, oh yeah, maybe you want to. Make it messy. Make it dirty. Put the drink on me. Put it down bitch! Now! Now!!! Fucking pussy. I’m a coaster for God’s sake! It’s hardly astrophysics! Grow a set will ya?
December 29th, 2008
Now that I am twenty-five years old I am now allowed to heartily endorse anything I see fit. It was only twenty years ago that the law was passed by Mr G. Bus of Redcar, whereby once a person passes into the realm of mid-twenties they can flim flam about anything they like and not feel prejudiced in any way. The first few years were a struggle; who could forget Jammy Arsen and his declaration of loving bunnies, painted white and balancing on top of Leicester Square? And what about Lulu Bankshaft? I doubt she’ll be shouting about Betamax anymore the silly mare.
I don’t want to put all my toes in the same basket so for now my endorsements will be hast and fard. Right now, as in now, as in not anytime before or possibly anytime in the future, I want to endorse that which is most dear to me. Thrusting. I heartily endorse thrusting in every way, shape and form.
If only Jerry was here. I wonder what he’s doing now…
November 20th, 2008
Wen I am olda I want to be one of the Thundercrats. The Thundercrats are reely reely good. I reely like that one called Lionel becos he is the leeder and has a big huge shiny sord. When Lionel looks in the sord he can see lots of fings. I also like Panfro who is gray and reely reely strong. Panfro is strong. He is not as good as Lionel. I do not like that one who is a tigar. All he does is whipp stuff. I do not like whipps. Sords are better. The rest of the Thundercrats are ok. That kitty one with the sniffles who neva shuts up and who always runs away and does not do anythin does not do anythin. He should do sumthin like grow into a big huge kitty like that one in Hee Mann. That way Lionel cud ride him like a pony. My sister wants a pony for cristmas. I want micro mashines and that sord that Lionel has. That is a good sord.
November 4th, 2008
In a desperate attempt to make some money in this bitter climate I have reached the lowest of the low. No, not telemarketing (“You know Susan, you would look good in this stunning summer blouse cum tin opener replacement made from unused leeks”). Although I think I would be good at it.
I have been making photocopies of my bottom and pretending that they belong to celebrities. The photocopier at work has never seen as much action! We have, for him, the George Clooney (tight and rugged), the Rowland Rivron (flabby but fun) and the Clint Eastwood (off the scale). For her we have the Angelina Jolie (sexy and soft), the Rosie O’Donnell (tugging at straws) and, ho ho ho, the Amy Winehouse (huge crack).
If anyone wants any signed copies please feel free to request them.
£50.00 + VAT.
July 8th, 2008
We are now all up and running again!
We do look exactly the same as we used to (except for the categories is now a drop down box) But rest assured we are nothing like the same as we used to be. We have moved up many versions of the software, which you’ll notice when you log into the admin deeley. There are also some new things like we can add picture galleries to posts. Which is nice. Basically if a button is new, click it and see what it does!
Enjoy.
April 4th, 2008
One day Circulus Maximus was eating a pork chop with Triangulus Boonicus and the rain started to fall. As it happens there was a cave nearby and the two heroes of maths took shelter. Inside was a bear who was trapped in a cage of logic. Because he couldn’t reason he couldn’t work out how to escape and that was his fate. Seven long years had he been there, unbeknown to the two shapes, surviving on a diet of wind and hair. Circulus looked at the bear and gently stroked him on the head. Seeing the effect that solitary confinement had taken on him he took pity on the bear and threw him an equation of pig. The bear gladly took him up on his offer and demolished the snack without a pause to consider what the question was really asking.
The cries of the bear rattled through the cave all night. By the time morning came Triangulus had had enough and used his spear of subtraction to jimmy the lock of the cage. The animal was free! He promptly ate both Circulus Maximus and Triangulus Boonicus.
Q: What should we learn about this?
A: It’s all about the science, not the maths.
February 5th, 2008
Next Posts
Previous Posts