First

…is my degree classification. Woohoo!

7 comments June 27th, 2006

Albatrosses

Today I received some alarming news about strange creatures called albatrosses. I did not ask to hear about this news but I am intrigued to find out the true appearance of albatrosses as there seems to be some dispute over it. Can anyone help me please? This is the evidence I have collected so far…

 

 

9 comments June 27th, 2006

My invention

Today at work I did lots of rubbish typing work and I corrected some information on the Waste Management Manual and I converted the Fire Precaution Notes for Guidance (Course A) document into web format. Work is dull.

So I invented something to improve my miserable lot: it’s NOT a JOB so I call it a NOB. Basically I stay at home and do what I like while my NOT an EMPLOYER – or NEMPLOYER to use the new terminology – pays me a large amount of cash every week.

How this works I do not know.

7 comments June 26th, 2006

Feeder are rubbish

Can I just say that Feeder suck ass so much that even if they brush their teeth a million times a day and wash their mouthes out with cider they can still taste the shit.

  That is all.

9 comments June 25th, 2006

L O I N S – the new reverse charge call phone service

Cheesy Kid: Help I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere and I have to call my lesbian mummy to come and pick me up. Those ruffians over there look vicious

*Vicious ruffians tense their fists and look mean*

Voiceover: Hey you kid, didn’t you know you don’t have to have money to make a phonecall?
Cheesy Kid: Isn’t that called stealing?
Voiceover: Don’t be silly Timmy, it’s the new reverse charge call phone service. LOINS!
Cheesy Kid: Loins?
Voiceover: Yes Loins. Simply dial the word Loins in the phone and…
Cheesy Kid: But there’s only numbers on these buttons. There are no letters.
Voiceover: Then find a phone with letters on it.
Cheesy Kid: This is the only phone for five miles. I checked on my GPS.
Voiceover: Then you’ll have to ask one of those vicious ruffians for their mobile.
Cheesy Kid: I could have told you that myself. Would you ask them for help, at night, being all vulnerable and alone like I am?
Voiceover: Well no.
Cheesy Kid: Exactly so really I’m screwed aren’t I?
Voiceover: Look, ABC are on button number 1, DEF are on…
Cheesy Kid: I don’t have time for your words and your headless bodyless nonsense I’ve gotta get out of this flying umbrella!

*Vicious ruffians start coming towards him*

Voiceover: Start praying Timmy, start praying!
Cheesy Kid: Must remember loins, must remember loins, must remember…

*Timmy gets creamed by the ruffians who steal his hat and use his shorts as a lunchbox*

7 comments June 22nd, 2006

Beefy eggs

Hey hey happy hamsters!

It’s been mighty quiet round here for a while. So here’s some random information that you won’t care about.

I’m working three days a week for Safety Advisory Services at the University of Leeds. That’s right bitches, I’m in the SAS 😀

I spend my days messing with their website and also doing typing and photocopying work. Woo woo!

Nothing I have done is yet online at the tremendously exciting website, www.leeds.ac.uk/safety

20 comments June 20th, 2006

Monkeys

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece.

I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece.

I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them.

I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home.

I have a big car.

I  let one of them drive.

His name was Sigmund.

He was retarded.

In fact, none of  them were really bright.

They kept punching themselves in the genitals.

I laughed.

They punched me in the genitals.

I stopped laughing.

When I got home, I herded them into my room.

They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment.

They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall.

Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:

They all died.

No apparent reason.

They all just sort of dropped dead.

Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.

God
Damn
Cheap
Monkeys.

I didn’t know what to do.

There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room.

On the bed,

In the dresser,

Hanging from my bookcase.

It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet.

It didn’t work.

It got stuck.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals.

That worked for awhile, that is, until they began to decompose.

It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but, there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber.

I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.

Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds.

I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad.

I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable.

I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed and the odor wasn’t improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom.

So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys.

I felt better.

I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates.

I told him I had a  wet one.

He couldn’t take it either.

I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution:

I gave them out as Christmas gifts.

My friends didn’t quite know what to say.

They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying.

Ingrates.

So I punched them in the genitals.

God, I like monkeys.

6 comments June 16th, 2006

Yay!

This is John.
He is a knitted beaver.

He likes long walks and flogging the poor which he dos with much vigour whenever he can.
Sometimes you’ll see him, sometimes you wont. he’s like that. He’s also strangly brown.

BOW DOWN TO THE KNITTED BEAVER

4 comments June 15th, 2006

MALLETT UPDATE

The Timmy Mallett interview, as well as a load of other random stuff that goes you a taste of what I spent the last three years doing, is now here:

http://www.chris5156.com/radio/markandchris.html

😀

June 15th, 2006

Nasal harps – a novel idea

Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrows geniuses (using song)

Who are you?

Ebeneezer Cheesegrater

What’s the Idea?

For many years I have suffered the twin agonies of excessive nasal hair and a lack of musical talent. I’ve solved both problems in one.

What is it?

Music up your nose.

What does it do?

It’s quite simple – you go to one of my rapidly expanding chain of Nosatariums, where (for a reasonable per-hair fee) they will tie together pairs of your nose hairs to pull them taut across your nostrils. Then, with a special nasal plectrum, you can play the hairs just like a harp, making beautiful music and keeping your unsightly growths out of sight at the same time.

So what are you gonna do about it?

Nothing (!) Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)

8 comments June 14th, 2006