And I thought drinking high levels of coffee and Redbull was a bad idea. This really takes every biscuit ever. In what can only be described as an act of stupidity I decided to buy one of those keyfinders that when you whistle beeps so you can find your keys. It’s a reasonable purchase, and it was for only £1.50 or so on Ebay. The thing though is that the little sh*tstain is so sensitive that you can do other things to set it off, some completely unintentional. So far I have discovered that the following makes it beep:
1. Turning on a tap
2. Audrey laughing
3. Reuben laughing
4. Reuben talking
5. Opening a drawer
6. The Bee Gees (from the next f*cking room!)
7. Coughing
8. Sneezing
Any sane person could take a few days or so of this but I shoved it in my drawer and every so often without wanting it to it would beep. I was therefore forced to accidentally hurl it down the stairs and watch it break into four separate pieces. Then I was forced (I really was) to stand on it and smash it into many more pieces to prevent the evil from ever escaping.
Oh and if anyone wants one I have a spare…
January 23rd, 2009
Ian
Today I need to buy a number of items. I will list these items here and tell you how I progress through the purchasing stage and whether I am unable to source any of these articles.
- A diary. This is required so that I can ensconce within it the dates and times on which working is necessitated by my employers and overlords, and also the dates and times on which I am due to socialise with other humans in a non-workplace context.
- A VGA cable. This handsome combination of wires, plastic sheaths and precision-moulded terminal plug fixtures will permit the connection of a laptop video output to a television video input channel, permitting the screening of internet videos on a TV screen that could justifiably be described as “mackin'”.
- A book. The book I select will be carefully chosen to permit the optimum enwritement of random tat and the endrawage of senseless doodlings. It is of great importance that it has nice clean white pages, unless I find another style of page which sweeps me up in its strong arms and causes me to take leave of my senses.
- Jeans. I don’t think I have any chance of getting these in my lunch break but I need some so I’m putting it in the list anyway. They are designed to keep my legs warm and out of sight in a range of social situations, from the workplace to home-bound slobbing.
This completes my list of items to purchase with funds in my bank account. Good day.
January 8th, 2009
Chris
So… we’ve got a whole 2009 to shake a stick at. Are we going to waste it? No. Are we going to sit at the side and watch it walk past, with a show of puppies and attractive ladies, throwing candy at street tramps? No, but that would be worth watching.
I say 2009 is when we burn back baby! I think we should undertake a project for the site. Any ideas?
January 5th, 2009
Ian
Look me in the eye and tell me you haven’t been tempted. I’m right there in front of you, sat there in your line of vision. Don’t look away, don’t be coy I can see you’re interested. Beneath that tough exterior lies a heart just like anyone else. I can feel it. You could easily reach out and grab me, use me. It would be so simple. Nobody would think any less of you. In fact you would probably be praised, applauded even. You never know unless you try. I want you to. My purpose is for you and only you, no-one else. I won’t be here forever. It’s your choice but I’d rather have you than someone else. This the most honest I can be. I wouldn’t lie about something like this. So do it right now. Push out the boat; take the bull by the horns. Lean forward and tell me you want me, like you want to. Whisper sweet nothings to me without a second thought. Be rough, as rough as you want to, if that’s what you want. I look delicate but I’m tough. I can take whatever you want to give me. I can handle myself, I’m so used to it now. Put it down. Right now. Right on top of me. Swirl it about a bit. Swivel it from side to side. Shake it. Spill it all over me, oh yeah, maybe you want to. Make it messy. Make it dirty. Put the drink on me. Put it down bitch! Now! Now!!! Fucking pussy. I’m a coaster for God’s sake! It’s hardly astrophysics! Grow a set will ya?
December 29th, 2008
Ian
Seeing as we’re all too busy wrapping presents and sh*t I thought I would be my best to create some sort of yuletide message so that we’re all going along with the festive spirit. No wait, going along with it sounds as though we’re being held hostage by it, or that it’s some awful idea a semi-friend has come up with and you don’t want to tell them to f*ck off because you’re too nice so you go along with it to keep them happy and hold back how you really feel about them.
Ahem.
It would be best to say that 2008 has been a right pile of f*cktards all round, that it should be forgotten and left in a pile of newspapers for Ross Kemp to do a documentary on. Nonetheless it’s hard not to look forward to the presents, the endless supply of quality films, the presents, the food, the happy feaces, the cheer and merriment of people opening presents (and who said our generation was materialistic?). For now let us hold a shotgun in the general direction as we edge away from 2008 out the back door and I hope we all have a wonda-va Christmas!
Come and join the fun… and now our song is done.
December 24th, 2008
Ian
look at this with your eyes (not marshmallows)
what do you think?
December 4th, 2008
Kevil
In my life I’ve done many pointless things, sometimes shamefully so. Among these you can include many of the videos we have made, the countless times I have completely dismantled the Lego ambulance Kev gave me and put it back together again, and the time I went to Tesco in my slippers.
This week I’ll be performing an exercise in pointlessness to put them all in the shade. I’m getting up at 5.30 on Friday morning and driving six hours north to Preston, where I will spend most of Friday and Saturday before coming home. Why? Because the Preston Bypass is turning 50 years old and I plan to be there.
It’s not going to notice if I miss the event because it’s a road, and in fact, it was completely rebuilt in 1995 so it’s not physically the same road any more either. But I will be there all the same and I’m sinking a rather alarming amount of money into the venture to travel there and back and stay over.
How pointless is your life? Share your pointless tales here, my friends, and weep with me.
December 2nd, 2008
Chris
There seems to be some confusion surrounding EEFY McJEEFY and how I am able to keep quoting his wise words. Well, here’s a short Q&A session to ease your pain.
Who is this EEFY McJEEFY?
He’s a former explorer, whose daughter is Nora, with a collection of gravels he found on his travels.
How is he so wise?
He spent many years taking words with his ears, and now others forage to access his knowledge.
Why are his words of wisdom appearing here?
He sits in my pocket, just six inches tall, and at night I put him in a box on the wall. When words I require of wisdom and truth, I give him a berry and he says words forsooth.
November 21st, 2008
Chris
Now that I am twenty-five years old I am now allowed to heartily endorse anything I see fit. It was only twenty years ago that the law was passed by Mr G. Bus of Redcar, whereby once a person passes into the realm of mid-twenties they can flim flam about anything they like and not feel prejudiced in any way. The first few years were a struggle; who could forget Jammy Arsen and his declaration of loving bunnies, painted white and balancing on top of Leicester Square? And what about Lulu Bankshaft? I doubt she’ll be shouting about Betamax anymore the silly mare.
I don’t want to put all my toes in the same basket so for now my endorsements will be hast and fard. Right now, as in now, as in not anytime before or possibly anytime in the future, I want to endorse that which is most dear to me. Thrusting. I heartily endorse thrusting in every way, shape and form.
If only Jerry was here. I wonder what he’s doing now…
November 20th, 2008
Ian
Hello, well would you look at that, its Ian’s Birthday all over again. Sorry I missed you at the weekend, hope it was fun.
Anyway, down to important stuff… Where are all the pictures from London, Bitch?
November 17th, 2008
Kevil
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