Here I present the first (and possibly only, who knows) two comics in the thrilling and stupidly-longly-named comic series…
The Exciting Adventures of Chris in the Mighty Metropolis (where Chris is played by a cheese in a top hat)
 
19 comments February 16th, 2008 Chris
I was looking on the world web of wonder and found this site which had me laughing… http://www.iusedtobelieve.com/
My mum used to wrap dumplings in tin foil and hide them in the garden before we had stew (yuck) then she used to call me to go hunt the dumplings down, I thought for years they were some kind of creature that lived in the ground that she then boiled and we ate.
I used to have two imaginary friends too, a boy and his dog, called Scargo and Banfa, yeah, cool names or what?! Obviously Russian or something. They lived behind the sofa and my mum had to set the table for them etc.
It’s nice to know I wasn’t so twisted as I thought though from reading what other people believed.
14 comments February 13th, 2008 Sarah
Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if they lead nowhere?
This is the question posed by up-and-coming much-hyped London-based soul-diva-to-be cliché-strewn Silly Bint, Adele, in one of her stupid songs. In it, she is asking a rhetorical question to do with some sort of nonsense about chasing pavements.
You see, I understand that, in this post-Amy Winehouse world, record companies are looking at the success of the drug-addled bint who we spurned and decked last month and are searching for more acts who sound like 60s motown/soul singers. I understand that once you have one thing that is a bit different and very successful, there will soon be many more copying the style.
Adele’s binthood is not based on that fact alone (though believe me, it contributes to it). No, what I object to is the fact that she has to be one of them. Her voice is bad. For gods sake, get some Lemsip down you love, your vocal chords are cracking up and at this rate you’ll lose your voice. That’s not nice to listen to. Her songs all sound like they’ve been factory-produced by a record company too, carefully designed to make that old-style-soul sound and way over-produced. I have had enough of this kind of shite filling the world with its meaningless noise. Chasing pavements? What is that, anyway?
This month I nearly selected Duffy, who is much the same, and who was in the same year as me at university. One of the key things that annoys me about her is that most of the people I went to uni with remember her, and I don’t think I met her. But her voice isn’t as annoying as Adele’s.
Also, why don’t these people have surnames? How are you supposed to look them up in the phone book? Mm, that’ll do for now. And relax.
18 comments February 11th, 2008 Chris
Weeks and weeks have gone by since the last Week of the Week, leaving many Week of the Week fans feeling quite weak. So this week I present another historic week as our Week of the Week.
This week’s Week of the Week is 22-28 July 1923.
Sunday 22 July 1923 – Charles Hoff of Norway sets a new pole vault world record of 4.21m.
Monday 23 July 1923 – Michael Melvin dies of chronic nephritis in east St Louis, USA, aged 72 years, 6 months and 11 days.
Tuesday 24 July 1923 – the Treaty of Lausanne is signed, creating modern Turkey.
Wednesday 25 July 1923 – Cathal O’Shannon speaks in the Irish parliament, asking about provision for an Officer of Communications.
Thursday 26 July 1923 – The Observer prints a photograph of “music by wireless”.
Friday 27 July 1923 – Science journal publishes vol. 58 issue 1491, including an article on “Paleontological Finds in Moravia” by A. Hrdlicka.
Saturday 28 July 1923 – Major Thomas Arthur Hughes (son of Patrick Hughes, of course) marries Kathleen Byles.
Of course, there are very few of us who couldn’t have recited those historic events from this unforgettable week off by heart. It is probably one of the best-known weeks ever.Â
12 comments February 8th, 2008 Chris
Mr. Cockall interviews tomorrows geniuses (using song)
Who are you? Crumbly Chinshanks
What’s the Idea? Introducing the amazing, FaceHammer 3000!
What is it? It’s not just a hammer… It’s a hammer you strap to your face!
What does it do? Have you ever been doing some DIY around the house? I dont know, say putting up a picture. Well picture the scene, you’re holding the nail against the wall with one hand, you’re drinking a pint of sherry with the other… How do you bang in the nail? Easy… FaceHammer 3000. Simply strap the FaceHammer 3000 around your face, stick on some appropriate heavy metal music, and head bang your way to hung picture glory.
So what are you gonna do about it? Nothing (!) Mr. Cockall, it’s all in my head >:)
33 comments February 5th, 2008 Kevil
One day Circulus Maximus was eating a pork chop with Triangulus Boonicus and the rain started to fall. As it happens there was a cave nearby and the two heroes of maths took shelter. Inside was a bear who was trapped in a cage of logic. Because he couldn’t reason he couldn’t work out how to escape and that was his fate. Seven long years had he been there, unbeknown to the two shapes, surviving on a diet of wind and hair. Circulus looked at the bear and gently stroked him on the head. Seeing the effect that solitary confinement had taken on him he took pity on the bear and threw him an equation of pig. The bear gladly took him up on his offer and demolished the snack without a pause to consider what the question was really asking.
The cries of the bear rattled through the cave all night. By the time morning came Triangulus had had enough and used his spear of subtraction to jimmy the lock of the cage. The animal was free! He promptly ate both Circulus Maximus and Triangulus Boonicus.
Q: What should we learn about this?
A: It’s all about the science, not the maths.
8 comments February 5th, 2008 Ian
I know, I know, its taken me ages, blah blah.
But now…. I proudly present to you:
Enjoy…
20 comments February 4th, 2008 Kevil
Make way, Jonathan Ross, I’m coming after you.
Slaughterhouse-Five (1972) dir. George Roy Hill
Starring: Michael Sacks, Valerie Perrine, Ron Leibman
Adapted from the novel ‘Slaughterhouse Five’ by Kurt Vonnegut
Rating 4/5
    
Here’s an interesting one. I bought this DVD as part of a box set, without having seen it, because the book had been described for several years as “unfilmable”, and then they made a film of it. It had come top of some ‘top ten’ kind of listing of such films. Then I forgot about it for a couple of years. Then I read the book and, some time later still, watched the film.
We should start with why it’s unfilmable. Aside from the fact that a good quarter of the book involves the author speaking directly to the reader, often about the process of writing the book itself, it is one of the most disjointed storylines imaginable. The protagonist, Billy Pilgrim, has an unusual affliction where his conscious mind is able to slide in and out of any moment in his life. He skids backwards and forward as the fancy takes him, revisiting the bits he likes. His connection to the ‘present’, whatever that means, is tenuous.
Billy Pilgrim’s life is not an easy one. Drafted into the US Army while still relatively young, he is taken hostage by Nazis and sent to a concentration camp. After the war he marries a woman he hates and watches his children grow up, working as an orthodontist. He is abducted by aliens who force him to mate with his favourite B-movie actress. The various events that take place in these three very different phases of his life are muddled around in the book as Billy slides around between them. You are probably starting to see why this was described as ‘unfilmable’.
So what of the film? Made from a book like this it could easily be messy, but it flows remarkably well. But it’s hard to tell how much of it would still have made sense if I hadn’t read the book first. Certainly the film would not have made so much sense if it hadn’t come from such a well-written novel, and even then, some of the rougher edges have been carefully smoothed off to shoehorn its strange plotline onto the screen.
As a film, it’s certainly not comfortable viewing all the way through, but its various depictions of the firebombing of Dresden and alien worlds work remarkably well, and the occasional shot of a naked young actress is also quite welcome. But the real wonder here is the performance from the various lead actors – the lead three or four characters are remarkably well played, understated to offset the rather outlandish plot line, and it’s strange that the people playing them have sunk into relative obscurity.
All in all, a brave and largely successful attempt at some pretty bizarre subject matter. Funny and surprising, it’s definitely worth a shot and another easy four jams.
9 comments January 29th, 2008 Chris
Seeing as it’s 2008 and we’re all back to square one on the sh*t-o-meter I want to throw down the gauntlet right now and say, “Look Shizzlers, this is what I want and if I don’t get it I shall hold my breath ’til luminous jelly squirts from my nasum.” Obviously that wouldn’t get me anywhere so I would like to request the following:
1. More film reviews from Marshall (rated by jam)
2. The result of the competition that Kev started
3. Someone, anyone, putting up the second book of ness up here
4. I dunno, some posts involved knitted beavers, badgers and loins would be funky
That is all. This year will be ours gentlemen.
37 comments January 28th, 2008 Ian
Oh yeah, I’ve been working up to this one *cracks his knuckles* for what seems like ages. I don’t really even need to touch on any sort of fact because deep down there has always been a strong hatred towards her in my loins. My loins remember the days when she was pretty unknown and was striving to sell any records and then all of a sudden that f*cking awful ‘Rehab’ song and bam, suddenly she’s everyone’s favourite British female singer. I don’t see what the appeal is especially when she seems to have taken on the trend of Pete Docherty and whilst letting her health slip is disappointing fans by not turning up for gigs. She’s not a very good role model considering she’s been arrested for possession of drugs and if she’s not in the newspapers for changing her hair colour it’s for more things to do with drugs or some sort of feud.
I’m sure she’s a lovely girl but quite frankly (pardon the joke there, unintended) she should disappear somewhere for a while, let everything calm down and come back. The cynic in me though says to drive her off the cliff in the same bus as James Morrison, Mika and Paolo Nutini.
22 comments January 23rd, 2008 Ian