Chris Industries International Ltd. is sorry to announce that its pre-tax profits for the 2006-07 financial year were some way below forecasts.
CII Ltd’s chairman, Chris, blamed the result on the unexpected departure of the public face of the company, Pete Doherty, and the resulting downturn in sales.
Since Mr Doherty’s departure, the company has racked up £14bn in debts, partly due to its poor performance in rotissomat technologies.
The ailing company has been acquired by Richard Branson, who remains optimistic that he can turn around CII’s fortune. From April 10th 2007, CII Ltd will be known as Virgin Pet Care.
April 7th, 2007
Chris
This week’s word is Kestrel.
And here is one such creature:
April 3rd, 2007
Kevil
From the London Lite, 31 March 2007:
Tooting man is Hindu goddess
An unemployed man from Tooting has found work as an Indian goddess, attempting to cure thousands of Hindus of infertility. Steve Cooper has been treated as a deity for three months after leaving his flat to live in India. The cross-dresser calls himself Pamela, but is known to his worshippers as Prema, Hindi for divine love.
How I wish there was more to this story.
March 31st, 2007
Chris
Hello. I am at work on a nightshift without an awful lot to do, so I’ve spent about an hour compiling the following useful facts about Locker 29, better known as Office 3.
Claimed: 3rd July 2006
Lost: early March 2007
Number: 29
Location: The Baltic, Gateshead
History: Various items were placed in the locker on the following occasions.
- 03/07/06 Baltic gallery leaflets.
- 04/07/06 One copy of the book Erudite Musings on the Human Condition (photocopy).
- 07/07/06 7″ vinyl of ‘some bollocks band nobody cares about’.
- 16/07/06 Two bags.
- 24/07/06 Pair of headphones, sticker promoting new Pipettes album, pen with lion’s head on it.
- 09/08/06 Two paperclips, one red and one yellow.
- 18/08/06 Blue paperclip, an old Christmas card from Sarah, two elastic bands ‘laid erotically across the Baltic leaflets’.
- 07/09/06 Plastic Tesco bag, a slip from ‘a recorded delivery earlier in the week’ and a bus ticket from Tuesday 5th September 2006.
- 14/11/06 Chocolate biscuit in foil wrapper.
Intelligence gathered from postings to this website suggest that the tat posted to Newcastle via top secret Jiffy Bag in September 2006 was never placed in the locker and is probably still safe, including some paper snowflakes, pictures of BBC Look North presenters and a book of Garforth soil samples.
OFFICE 3: WE SHALL NOT FORGET.
March 30th, 2007
Chris
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Chris Industries International Ltd. is sorry to announce the departure of the face of CII, world renowned musician Pete Doherty.
Mr Doherty had appeared in all CII Ltd. marketing material, voiced radio commercials and carried out ‘meeting and greeting’ tours in the CII Ltd. retail superstores across the globe.
Chris, Megaboss of CII Ltd., said today: “I’m sorry to see Pete end the deal. I’ve long been a fan of Pete’s moronic lifestyle and I thought he lived the lifestyle that we wanted to offer our customers. Whether he was advertising our dog grooming services or our exciting range of luxury wheelbarrows, he’s what our customers wanted.
Pete Doherty today commented: “I read this thing on their website, where someone posted some stuff Chris said about me, and now I don’t like him much.â€?
Mr Doherty now plans to take some time out with his partner, Kate Moss, in their luxury hideaway resort in Cleethorpes.
Chris Industries International Ltd. denies that this could spell the end of their global brand and are currently looking in to their options.
His partner Kate Moss was said to be “past it�.
March 27th, 2007
Chris
Oh by the way Whybird is the new face of SD Jam Productions. Not that we’re copying Chris’s made up firm or anything.
An interview with Whybird to follow. Exciting, like a loin of jam!
March 27th, 2007
Ian
BOW DOWN TO THE MIGHTY WHYBIRD!
Here’s a little song to accompany her wonderful magnificence
Whybird, Whybird
Why are you a bird?
Did you know I was heard
Someone call you a turd?
I hit them Whybird
I hit them for you
How dare they compare
You to a poo
So you only live on in our memories
It’s better than never at all
This picture honours your presence
Load up the Whytech mother fucker!
The End
March 27th, 2007
Ian
Chris Industries International Ltd. is proud to announce the new face of CII – the world renowned musician Pete Doherty.
From April 2007, Pete will appear in all CII Ltd. marketing material, will voice radio commercials and will also do ‘meeting and greeting’ tours in the new CII Ltd. retail superstores.
Chris, Megaboss of CII Ltd., said today: “I’m delighted with the deal. I’ve long been a fan of Pete’s moronic lifestyle and I think he lives the lifestyle that we want to offer our customers. Whether he’s advertising our dog grooming services or our exciting new range of luxury wheelbarrows, he’s what our customers want.
Pete Doherty today commented: “Yeah. What?”
The deal is unique in the world of marketing, in that Mr. Doherty will not be paid money for his services, and instead will be just given whatever he would have spent the money on.
His partner Kate Moss was said to be “quite thin”.
March 23rd, 2007
Chris
CII Ltd is proud to announce the release of its latest consumer innovation, the Opti-Rotissomat. Industry experts predict that by the end of 2007 no home will be complete without a CII Ltd Opti-Rotissomat and that they will be compulsory in most Western states by early 2009.
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The CII Ltd Opti-Rotissomat is unique among other electro-static rotary appliance solutions, because it features a twin-cycle PSU permitting it to be used with both 240V and 115V power supplies.
Its stylish grey rubber oscillaturner is comfort-moulded and is spring mounted on the titanium camshaft, giving you the ultimate in feel and texture while using the device. It will not slip or grate in wet weather conditions like many other belt-driven competitors.
The Opti-Rotissomat comes in three colours – amber, puce and leopardskin – and for a limited time only comes with a free suede carry-case. Order now to receive yours in time for Lent!
The Opti-Rotissomat is manufactured by Rotoscope Investments Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of CII Ltd’s Spearmint Division.
March 19th, 2007
Chris
This is slightly delayed, but none the less brilliant.
When I went to Loon-don to see the Marshall this is the kind of japery we got up to.
CLICK HERE NOW
and enjoy.
March 19th, 2007
Kevil
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