This is a solo mission I have granted to one Kevin Hill, second member of the Saint King’s personal service. It was forwarded on Saturday so I, the Saint King, king of all the saints and their saintly behaviour, would hope it would have arrived by now.
Task Two – ‘Mending’. As you are all aware the dictaphone Daisy broke a week or two ago and as such a certain person’s related quest is now postponed for the moment. Striking up such a brilliant brainwave together we decided it might be a fitting task to task one of the new members of the Saint King’s Army with the task of trying to fix Daisy. A letter, the usual disclaimer to the authorities and Daisy should now be in the posession of one Hill. He is to try his best; subsequent missions will be harder so this is a good time to get on the donkey and ride that horse to kingdom come.
Task 3 to follow shortly.
May 16th, 2007
Ian
This week’s week of the week is 14-20 November 1869.
Monday 15 November 1869 – Alexander Campbell stood down as Acting Minister of Inland Revenue in Canada.
Tuesday 16 November 1869 – the Suez Canal opened to shipping.
Wednesday 17 November 1869 – the ship Jason docked at Maryborough, Sydney, Australia. John W. Castle was the ship’s master.
Thursday 18 Novemebr 1869 – four days of heavy rainfall in the Texas Hill Country comes to an end.
Friday 19 November 1869 – full moon.
A great week, I’m sure you’ll agree!
May 15th, 2007
Chris
Today it is Bank Holiday Monday and also my birthday and I am at work.
Therefore it seems appropriate to share with you the history of the great British bank holiday.
The term “Bank Holiday” is a corrupted form of the olde English “barn collar day”, an event that happened once or twice a year in the summer. Hundreds of medieval folk would take a break from toiling in the fields, put on their smartest clothes – the only ones they owned that had a collar – and danced around a ceremonial barn, usually for upwards of sixteen hours at a time. A hog was roasted and there would also usually be vegetarian lasagne, Wotsits and Tizer.
As the tradition grew older, large communal barns were set up on beaches around the country, allowing as many as 50,000 medieval serfs to revel at once. On the Saturday before Barn Collar Day, thousands of them would get stuck in traffic jams on the motorway trying to get to the seaside for the party.
The practice was outlawed by the Victorians as part of the wide-ranging Enjoyment Prevention Act (1838) and Barn Collar Days were replaced by days off in which the public was expected to sit at home and give thanks to god by being quiet.
The modern idea of a Bank Holiday began in 1859, when those who were unhappy with staying indoors decided to use the day to have a holiday in a bank’s foyer, filling in forms and queueing to speak to cashiers through those little perforated windows. The intention was to get out and have a change of scenery, but by doing it in a bank they could be sure that they didn’t actually enjoy themselves. The practice spread and by 1886, every single person in Britain could be found in a bank every Bank Holiday.
In 1957 Cliff Richard sang a special concert to celebrate the demolition of the Enjoyment Prevention Act, and it is now commemorated every Bank Holiday when millions of people try to get to the seaside on what is guaranteed to be the most miserable day of the summer and have no fun whatsoever.
May 7th, 2007
Chris
The recruitment task has been completed. The two members of the new Saint King Army should be returning their forms as we speak. In the meantime the Saint King, king oft he saints and all their saintly behaviour, has set a task for himself before assigning to those in his army.
Task One – ‘Harassment’. I have chosen a celebrity at random and shall be sending precisely one fan letter to their fan address each week. This is to continue until one of the two scenarious happens:
1 – The celebrity writes back.
2 – The celebrity’s representative writes to ask to stop sending letters.
I’m hoping it will be the first one but who can tell in this topsy-turvy world of ours. The letters are polite and well-mannered under the pseudonym Ian McIver, one of the Saint King’s alter egos. And what an ego it is! The first letter has been written and is due to be sent either tomorrow or Saturday depending on the queues in the manky post office in town. Who is the celebrity?
Emily Browning
Check google and wikipedia for pictures and information. Psychadelic Furs!
May 3rd, 2007
Ian
This weeks wonderfully wonderous word of the week is…. SPATCHCOCK
“A spatch-cock is a chicken cooking method that is exclusively used for roasting and boiling over a grill/spit. The method of preparing the chicken involves slicing out the backbone of the chicken and flattening it out prior to cooking time.”
It also involves the words spatch and cock which are funny… (sniggers)
Enjoy your spatchcock Sirs….
May 2nd, 2007
Kevil
When I grow up and own lots of land I want to make this cartoon a reality.
Â
This indicates how stupid my ideas are.
Do you want to do anything stupid? Or, if you don’t want to answer that question, say so and instead answer this one: what’s your favourite kind of citrus fruit?
April 30th, 2007
Chris
Unfortunately there was a tragic event that struck last night and because of it ‘The Mackford Files’ will have to go into storage for a while. The dictaphone, or Daisy as I had come to call her, was knocked off by the shoddy wardrobe she was sitting in and fell to the floor. Nothing appears to be wrong with her but she now refuses to work. I have had a few words with an agency and hope to have a replacement soon. Can we all please have a few minutes silence for Daisy though. She lasted ten files, ten files of lovliness, and we all loved her.
God bless you Daisy.
April 25th, 2007
Ian
This is a poem in hateful memory of all the slightly posh teachers at primary school who thought they could climb another rung up the social ladder by pronouncing the word poem as “poym”. It doesn’t make you sound posh, it makes you sound like an arsehole with a speech impediment. Stop it.
Anyway, this is a poem that I haven’t written yet and which I am going to bash out off the cuff in a minute, about working a night shift, which is what I’m doing.
(more…)
April 23rd, 2007
Chris
I, being Saint King, king of all the saints and their saintly behaviour, require other beings, whether sainty, kingly or not, to join me, the Saint King, in my quest. It’s a dangerous quest and one that requires the king of the saints, Saint King, to embark outside of his usual kingly responsibilities governing those lovely saints.
If you wish to join the Saint King please reply to this message.
 This is a stand-in for me by the way. I generally don’t have a moustache.
April 17th, 2007
Ian
Seriously, where are you all? I demand a status report of some description.
Since last posting here, I have:
- Eaten 14 slices of toast, of which 12 had apricot jam on them
- Finished my 2 litre bottle of Sainsbury’s own brand cola
- Washed up 6 times
- Decided to leave my winter coat at home, but forgotten to take out my ID badge for work, meaning that for one day I had a temporary pass
- Received 163 junk e-mails
- Caught the 8.53 train to Waterloo once, mistakenly thinking I had to be at work for 9.30, when really I wasn’t needed until 10.15
- Had two fingers of Twix
- Blew my nose in a really satisfying way shortly after my morning shower
- Doodled meaningless things while on the phone thrice.
What have you been up to?
April 13th, 2007
Chris
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