I’ve been a good boy…
… Can I have some sweets?
16 comments October 14th, 2008
Posts filed under 'Delicious'
Children’s charter
I would like to propose a new rule set that all children must abide by. Those who do not, or who refuse to ratify and sign the charter on their day of birth, will be shunned, spurned and decked before being extradited to Norway, which has been designated as a land for rampant children. All adults are being evacuated from Norway and its borders are being fortified.
The draft charter goes thus:
1. Childs shall sleep for eight continuous hours per night.
2. Childs shall not wake before 0700 hrs local time, and on waking, shall silently wait until invited to leave bed by a parent or guardian.
3. Childs shall ask for batteries to be removed from noise-making toys before playing with them.
4. Childs shall eat what everyone else eats instead of whining they don’t like it and demanding special treatment that usually involves fish fingers and lots of ketchup.
5. On public transport – or, actually, anywhere in public – childs shall shut the fuck up.
If you wish to add your own clauses to this manifesto, please feel free. It will make a better world for us all.
6 comments June 18th, 2008
The Saint King creepeth back in briefly
I, the Saint King, king of all the saints and their saintly behaviour, have returned briefly in order to convey a message. This message could have been tagged on to the endless VHS message I left played in the building before Christmas but I wanted to tell you this myself. I have found a permanent home at another website that being www.myspace.com/twoofakindyorkshiremind. Even though you have all very much made your feelings about me clear I want you to know that there is no bad blood between us all and that I hope to see you in the future. 2008 should be about new beginnings and being the Saint King, governing those saints and what they get up to, well, I don’t want you to feel as though you can’t come to me with problems and asking for advice even though you aren’t saints.
You shall all have a place in my heart even if yours is only filled with the memories of me not giving you jewels. And I don’t hold it against you that you didn’t come to my party. And I don’t hate the fact that only Sir Marshall returned his Official Form of Complaint. It’s all chunder under the canal.
January 6th, 2008
Cake or Bun?
I wonder if you out there in the virtual haven of The Beans can help me answer a question which I have been pondering for a while?
Which is better a slice of cake or a whole bun?
vs 
The two things are generally evenly(ish) sized. On one hand you get the satisfaction of knowing you have eaten the whole of something but on the other hand you get to share in the joy with someone else. Which is better…. You decide…
19 comments August 20th, 2007
Bacon
There’s something special and unique about bacon. It is the salty, slightly chewy, potentially crispy path to heaven. It is the most divine and sought-after of the meats. It is the reason that god made pigs and knives compatible with each other.
This is an ode to bacon. This post is a tribute. A moment of quiet thought in reverence to the finest meat product the world knows.
Ahhh, bacon! Please feel free to share your bacon stories here.
Here are some bacon links.
- sixdegreesofbacon.com, including instructions for making bacon soap
- iheartbacon.com, with details of new bacon salt
- bacontarian.com keeping you up to date with bacon news
- Richard Bacon
18 comments August 13th, 2007
Erudite Musings on the Human Condition
I have recently re-discovered a copy of said document in my drawers and wish to point out the following:
1. Apollo now cracks one off every hour.
2. Doreen the Tureen from Turin.
3. Telephoning hot bitch soup.
4. Dave is ‘Simply Man’.
5. Lenin is Russia.
6. She deserves an ice cream.
Also well done to Kev whipping those web monkeys to make the website come back. It has been sorely missed.
7 comments June 5th, 2007
The Saint King’s Army – Task Two
This is a solo mission I have granted to one Kevin Hill, second member of the Saint King’s personal service. It was forwarded on Saturday so I, the Saint King, king of all the saints and their saintly behaviour, would hope it would have arrived by now.
Task Two – ‘Mending’. As you are all aware the dictaphone Daisy broke a week or two ago and as such a certain person’s related quest is now postponed for the moment. Striking up such a brilliant brainwave together we decided it might be a fitting task to task one of the new members of the Saint King’s Army with the task of trying to fix Daisy. A letter, the usual disclaimer to the authorities and Daisy should now be in the posession of one Hill. He is to try his best; subsequent missions will be harder so this is a good time to get on the donkey and ride that horse to kingdom come.
Task 3 to follow shortly.
15 comments May 16th, 2007
The Saint King’s Army – Task One
The recruitment task has been completed. The two members of the new Saint King Army should be returning their forms as we speak. In the meantime the Saint King, king oft he saints and all their saintly behaviour, has set a task for himself before assigning to those in his army.
Task One – ‘Harassment’. I have chosen a celebrity at random and shall be sending precisely one fan letter to their fan address each week. This is to continue until one of the two scenarious happens:
1 – The celebrity writes back.
2 – The celebrity’s representative writes to ask to stop sending letters.
I’m hoping it will be the first one but who can tell in this topsy-turvy world of ours. The letters are polite and well-mannered under the pseudonym Ian McIver, one of the Saint King’s alter egos. And what an ego it is! The first letter has been written and is due to be sent either tomorrow or Saturday depending on the queues in the manky post office in town. Who is the celebrity?
Emily Browning
Check google and wikipedia for pictures and information. Psychadelic Furs!
19 comments May 3rd, 2007
Saint King needs you!
I, being Saint King, king of all the saints and their saintly behaviour, require other beings, whether sainty, kingly or not, to join me, the Saint King, in my quest. It’s a dangerous quest and one that requires the king of the saints, Saint King, to embark outside of his usual kingly responsibilities governing those lovely saints.
If you wish to join the Saint King please reply to this message.
 This is a stand-in for me by the way. I generally don’t have a moustache.
20 comments April 17th, 2007