Posts filed under 'Ian'
The Not Report was not an idea by Christopher J Marshall and written by Ian P McIver from a task created by Christopher J Marshall during a conversation with Ian P McIver.
You will not get the chance to read about my fruitless efforts at trying to get a new life in the space of a few days, nor will you see the whole thing set out in a pleasing format.
Date: 20th April 2009
Subject: The Not Report
Writer: Ian “Mac Mac Mac Mac” McIver
The Not Report
The Assignment: To try and get a new job and a new girlfriend by close of business on 20th April 2009.
Equipment: One not attractive nor interesting twenty-five year old man, not a whole world out there waiting to be infiltrated by a budding singleton and not the population of Newcastle.
Method: The acquisition of a new life (those parts being further employment and a “better half”.
Report: Upon receipt of the initial instructions I did not take it upon myself to set out the goals that I was trying to achieve. As well as this I did not take the time to spend any time looking in the right places for love that generally include local bars, pubs and dating websites. After the first day I did not think about what I was trying to do. After the second day I also did not think about what I was trying to do. Approaching the end of the weekend I did not actually leave the house other than to take my respective son, aka The Chop, back to his proper home over in Throckley.
At the beginning of today I did not check any job websites nor obtain the jobs paper that is issued weekly on a Thursday in the Tyne and Wear area.
As a result of this it appears as though I not only did not get the new job I was hoping for but I am not attached, nor in a relationship with, nor have any prospects with the opposite sex.
Here is a collection of photos I did not take to further explain my predicament.
Conclusion: Not doing things is not the right way to go about problems.
April 22nd, 2009
A stupid ginger appears. He sees an advertisement that says if you give someone your phone they will give you money for it. He goes looking for his old phone in his attic and surprisingly it is propped up handily, waiting to be plucked from what looks like a plant pot. The stupid ginger chuckles to himself. He checks the website and chuckles again. Minutes later he receives a cheque for £32.00 meaning this money will go to him for being stupid and not selling his phone on Ebay like everyone else does.
I love television me.
April 12th, 2009
I knew it.
It was as if it came to me in a a dream, but not really a dream. A sort of fluffy dream cloud, like a dream, where it rested in my ears and settled like snow on a quilted meadowtop. In any case I have found conclusive proof that somebody, someone, a certain person predicted the glocal recession YEARS before. Oh yes, after much digging and deliberation I can reveal that that person is… Shania Twain.
Oh you may scoff like the rest of them did but here’s the proof chummies. Read these lyrics from her multi-award-winning best-single-ever song ‘Ka-Ching’:
“We’ve created us a credit card mess
We spend the money we don’t possess
Our religion is to go and blow it all
So it’s shopping every Sunday at the mall.”
And:
“When you’re broke go and get a loan
Take out another mortgage on your home
Consolidate so you can afford
To go an spend some more when you get bored.”
See? This was back in 2003. I didn’t see U2 or Bob Geldof grabbing a microphone and trying to warn us but she had the foresight. Even though the song was shit she dared to stand up and predict the future. Madam, I gesticulate in your general direction.
April 9th, 2009
Quaff. I am Quaff. Quaff is the future, everything else is the past.
Quaff has taken the medium of everything and turned it on its head, leaving a small puddle. It is from this puddle that the original ideas that Quaff has developed come from. Quaff will one day dominate the world and everyone, from the smallest glint in their parents’ eyes to the tallest man with a chunky face, will know the name Quaff.
Leave a note for your brain to take note at the lessons you will learn from Quaff.
Quaff.
April 7th, 2009
Today I used the word ‘vestibule’ and giggled like a school girl.
Does that make me wrong?
March 19th, 2009
Buddha’s Guide To Living
1. The world must be divided into pairs, whether husband and wife, brother to brother or friend with friend.
2. One person must be chillin’.
3. One person must be illin’.
4. Said pair can nominate another person to do the illin’ so they can perform the act of chillin’ either immediately or at a later time. You do not necessarily have to know the person you nominate.
February 11th, 2009
Dear the 1980’s,
How are you? I haven’t heard from you in a while. Come to think of it you haven’t been in touch for at least, what, nineteen years now? That is quite a long time. Being only twenty-five that’s most of my life. Have you been up to much? Occasionally something will come up and I’ll think of you: Thundercats, Transformers, A-Ha and the likes of school boy memories that I have since forgotten about or shunned for much more up-to-date stuff like the fact that you can now buy mobile phones that do almost anything. You tried those didn’t you 1980’s? You tried so hard but it was such a brick you can’t help but look back and laugh. Some things were acceptable in the 80’s, according to some berk, however that clearly wasn’t.
You also tried games consoles too. I had to wait ten minutes for my brother’s BBC Master to load up Ziggy and by then I had to go for my bath. It was pretty pathetic. Rubbish even! Now you can crack off some inane RPG online like World of Warcraft within minutes and play with people all over the world, can sneak around in realistic environments in Metal Gear (do you remember that? Your version had dodgy colours) or play Mario Kart on the shitter. Such things were just a dream to you 1980’s.
I don’t mean to be mean but when you keep away this long I cannot help but feel bitter, like you couldn’t even be bothered to write or leave a message or anything. Occasionally something like ‘We Love 1980’s’ would come on and I would get excited thinking that you were coming back. Nothing. Monster Munch and Whispas were returned to our shops. Nothing. It’s just not good enough and I can’t just hang around every day waiting and expecting the same thing we had nineteen years ago. So it’s over, 1980’s. Just go and don’t even try any snivelling apology. Stay away and never come back.
Yours Sincerely
Ian McIver
P.S. Although if you do have some Lucky Charms left I’ll take some. I’m not paying to import the mo’ fo’s from the US – they can whistle dixie for all I care!
February 3rd, 2009
I need some clarification, some closure and some clothes to cover this naked level of understanding that me, a common beatnik, cannot get my head round.
Last week when I took the boy to school I almost arrived at the bus stop but was greeted by a curious sight. Sat on the corner by the pub was a golf ball. A golf ball that had two turds curled around it. Now I have three questions:
1. Do dogs play golf?
2. Would that be classed as modern art?
And the biggest one of all:
3. Is it marketable?
January 26th, 2009
And I thought drinking high levels of coffee and Redbull was a bad idea. This really takes every biscuit ever. In what can only be described as an act of stupidity I decided to buy one of those keyfinders that when you whistle beeps so you can find your keys. It’s a reasonable purchase, and it was for only £1.50 or so on Ebay. The thing though is that the little sh*tstain is so sensitive that you can do other things to set it off, some completely unintentional. So far I have discovered that the following makes it beep:
1. Turning on a tap
2. Audrey laughing
3. Reuben laughing
4. Reuben talking
5. Opening a drawer
6. The Bee Gees (from the next f*cking room!)
7. Coughing
8. Sneezing
Any sane person could take a few days or so of this but I shoved it in my drawer and every so often without wanting it to it would beep. I was therefore forced to accidentally hurl it down the stairs and watch it break into four separate pieces. Then I was forced (I really was) to stand on it and smash it into many more pieces to prevent the evil from ever escaping.
Oh and if anyone wants one I have a spare…
January 23rd, 2009
So… we’ve got a whole 2009 to shake a stick at. Are we going to waste it? No. Are we going to sit at the side and watch it walk past, with a show of puppies and attractive ladies, throwing candy at street tramps? No, but that would be worth watching.
I say 2009 is when we burn back baby! I think we should undertake a project for the site. Any ideas?
January 5th, 2009
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