Posts filed under 'Ian'
Look me in the eye and tell me you haven’t been tempted. I’m right there in front of you, sat there in your line of vision. Don’t look away, don’t be coy I can see you’re interested. Beneath that tough exterior lies a heart just like anyone else. I can feel it. You could easily reach out and grab me, use me. It would be so simple. Nobody would think any less of you. In fact you would probably be praised, applauded even. You never know unless you try. I want you to. My purpose is for you and only you, no-one else. I won’t be here forever. It’s your choice but I’d rather have you than someone else. This the most honest I can be. I wouldn’t lie about something like this. So do it right now. Push out the boat; take the bull by the horns. Lean forward and tell me you want me, like you want to. Whisper sweet nothings to me without a second thought. Be rough, as rough as you want to, if that’s what you want. I look delicate but I’m tough. I can take whatever you want to give me. I can handle myself, I’m so used to it now. Put it down. Right now. Right on top of me. Swirl it about a bit. Swivel it from side to side. Shake it. Spill it all over me, oh yeah, maybe you want to. Make it messy. Make it dirty. Put the drink on me. Put it down bitch! Now! Now!!! Fucking pussy. I’m a coaster for God’s sake! It’s hardly astrophysics! Grow a set will ya?
December 29th, 2008
Seeing as we’re all too busy wrapping presents and sh*t I thought I would be my best to create some sort of yuletide message so that we’re all going along with the festive spirit. No wait, going along with it sounds as though we’re being held hostage by it, or that it’s some awful idea a semi-friend has come up with and you don’t want to tell them to f*ck off because you’re too nice so you go along with it to keep them happy and hold back how you really feel about them.
Ahem.
It would be best to say that 2008 has been a right pile of f*cktards all round, that it should be forgotten and left in a pile of newspapers for Ross Kemp to do a documentary on. Nonetheless it’s hard not to look forward to the presents, the endless supply of quality films, the presents, the food, the happy feaces, the cheer and merriment of people opening presents (and who said our generation was materialistic?). For now let us hold a shotgun in the general direction as we edge away from 2008 out the back door and I hope we all have a wonda-va Christmas!
Come and join the fun… and now our song is done.
December 24th, 2008
Now that I am twenty-five years old I am now allowed to heartily endorse anything I see fit. It was only twenty years ago that the law was passed by Mr G. Bus of Redcar, whereby once a person passes into the realm of mid-twenties they can flim flam about anything they like and not feel prejudiced in any way. The first few years were a struggle; who could forget Jammy Arsen and his declaration of loving bunnies, painted white and balancing on top of Leicester Square? And what about Lulu Bankshaft? I doubt she’ll be shouting about Betamax anymore the silly mare.
I don’t want to put all my toes in the same basket so for now my endorsements will be hast and fard. Right now, as in now, as in not anytime before or possibly anytime in the future, I want to endorse that which is most dear to me. Thrusting. I heartily endorse thrusting in every way, shape and form.
If only Jerry was here. I wonder what he’s doing now…
November 20th, 2008
Hello, well would you look at that, its Ian’s Birthday all over again. Sorry I missed you at the weekend, hope it was fun.
Anyway, down to important stuff… Where are all the pictures from London, Bitch?
November 17th, 2008
Good Morning Gentlemen and welcome to the shareholders meeting for Mangapap Japcrap Inc. As you are aware things in the market are unstable and unpredictable but I believe with the backing of our investors, as well as our hard work, we will manage to establish ourselves accordingly.
Are there any questions?
November 6th, 2008
Wen I am olda I want to be one of the Thundercrats. The Thundercrats are reely reely good. I reely like that one called Lionel becos he is the leeder and has a big huge shiny sord. When Lionel looks in the sord he can see lots of fings. I also like Panfro who is gray and reely reely strong. Panfro is strong. He is not as good as Lionel. I do not like that one who is a tigar. All he does is whipp stuff. I do not like whipps. Sords are better. The rest of the Thundercrats are ok. That kitty one with the sniffles who neva shuts up and who always runs away and does not do anythin does not do anythin. He should do sumthin like grow into a big huge kitty like that one in Hee Mann. That way Lionel cud ride him like a pony. My sister wants a pony for cristmas. I want micro mashines and that sord that Lionel has. That is a good sord.
November 4th, 2008
Alright so we should have done this a couple of months ago but you know us, we couldn’t plan some sort of social arrangement in a tavern. Clearly the Beans is pouring money down a dirty, dirty drain and we’ve gotta make some readies otherwise we’ll be left with nothing but comfortable responsibility on our backs.
I’m suggesting a full frontal people. We have to attack those stupid bitches with their brimming wallets with the crappiest, shoddiest shit we can find. Get out your permanent markers; it’s a free for all!
Okay that’s enough army chit chat. I think with the amount of material we’ve got on the site we could muster something along the loins, lines, loins, lines of christmas cards, mugs and t-shirts. Think about everything we say… who wouldn’t want a t-shirt that said ‘Grand Mal’ on it? Here’s a comprehensive list I made up on the spot of the top whatevers we regularly say:
1. You see you, right…
2. Grand Mal
3. Skippety Bee Ba
4. I like / don’t like those apples
5. Loins
Thems makes goods moneys, no’s?
November 3rd, 2008
It’s getting mightily close to the 24 hour countdown before my loins touch down in a whole other place. It’s gonna be hard being away especially what with what everyone’s been telling me about London: whores, thugs and drinks costing eight quid each or something. It’s not been painted with the brightest of colours lets just say.
I typed in London in Google and this is what came up:
http://maps.google.co.uk/maps?hl=en&q=London&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=X&oi=geocode_result&resnum=1&ct=image
What does it all mean?!?!
Still I’m bringing cheap red bull with me and a smile on my feace 🙂 bring it on, like pittbulls in a Rover.
October 2nd, 2008
Hooray! Today is the birthday of Kevin Head! He has finally reached the age of 24 that so many others before have done. It is a momentous day. I went out and drank five or six pints because of this very occasion. I would have done tonight but obviously I’m at work, I’ll have Reuben and Thursdays are bad.
Here is a sentence I wrote for you:
“Drip drop, pork chop”
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that’s all folks!
July 31st, 2008
In a desperate attempt to make some money in this bitter climate I have reached the lowest of the low. No, not telemarketing (“You know Susan, you would look good in this stunning summer blouse cum tin opener replacement made from unused leeks”). Although I think I would be good at it.
I have been making photocopies of my bottom and pretending that they belong to celebrities. The photocopier at work has never seen as much action! We have, for him, the George Clooney (tight and rugged), the Rowland Rivron (flabby but fun) and the Clint Eastwood (off the scale). For her we have the Angelina Jolie (sexy and soft), the Rosie O’Donnell (tugging at straws) and, ho ho ho, the Amy Winehouse (huge crack).
If anyone wants any signed copies please feel free to request them.
£50.00 + VAT.
July 8th, 2008
Next Posts
Previous Posts