Posts filed under 'Bedtime stories'
I knew it.
It was as if it came to me in a a dream, but not really a dream. A sort of fluffy dream cloud, like a dream, where it rested in my ears and settled like snow on a quilted meadowtop. In any case I have found conclusive proof that somebody, someone, a certain person predicted the glocal recession YEARS before. Oh yes, after much digging and deliberation I can reveal that that person is… Shania Twain.
Oh you may scoff like the rest of them did but here’s the proof chummies. Read these lyrics from her multi-award-winning best-single-ever song ‘Ka-Ching’:
“We’ve created us a credit card mess
We spend the money we don’t possess
Our religion is to go and blow it all
So it’s shopping every Sunday at the mall.”
And:
“When you’re broke go and get a loan
Take out another mortgage on your home
Consolidate so you can afford
To go an spend some more when you get bored.”
See? This was back in 2003. I didn’t see U2 or Bob Geldof grabbing a microphone and trying to warn us but she had the foresight. Even though the song was shit she dared to stand up and predict the future. Madam, I gesticulate in your general direction.
April 9th, 2009
And I thought drinking high levels of coffee and Redbull was a bad idea. This really takes every biscuit ever. In what can only be described as an act of stupidity I decided to buy one of those keyfinders that when you whistle beeps so you can find your keys. It’s a reasonable purchase, and it was for only £1.50 or so on Ebay. The thing though is that the little sh*tstain is so sensitive that you can do other things to set it off, some completely unintentional. So far I have discovered that the following makes it beep:
1. Turning on a tap
2. Audrey laughing
3. Reuben laughing
4. Reuben talking
5. Opening a drawer
6. The Bee Gees (from the next f*cking room!)
7. Coughing
8. Sneezing
Any sane person could take a few days or so of this but I shoved it in my drawer and every so often without wanting it to it would beep. I was therefore forced to accidentally hurl it down the stairs and watch it break into four separate pieces. Then I was forced (I really was) to stand on it and smash it into many more pieces to prevent the evil from ever escaping.
Oh and if anyone wants one I have a spare…
January 23rd, 2009
Look me in the eye and tell me you haven’t been tempted. I’m right there in front of you, sat there in your line of vision. Don’t look away, don’t be coy I can see you’re interested. Beneath that tough exterior lies a heart just like anyone else. I can feel it. You could easily reach out and grab me, use me. It would be so simple. Nobody would think any less of you. In fact you would probably be praised, applauded even. You never know unless you try. I want you to. My purpose is for you and only you, no-one else. I won’t be here forever. It’s your choice but I’d rather have you than someone else. This the most honest I can be. I wouldn’t lie about something like this. So do it right now. Push out the boat; take the bull by the horns. Lean forward and tell me you want me, like you want to. Whisper sweet nothings to me without a second thought. Be rough, as rough as you want to, if that’s what you want. I look delicate but I’m tough. I can take whatever you want to give me. I can handle myself, I’m so used to it now. Put it down. Right now. Right on top of me. Swirl it about a bit. Swivel it from side to side. Shake it. Spill it all over me, oh yeah, maybe you want to. Make it messy. Make it dirty. Put the drink on me. Put it down bitch! Now! Now!!! Fucking pussy. I’m a coaster for God’s sake! It’s hardly astrophysics! Grow a set will ya?
December 29th, 2008
Seeing as we’re all too busy wrapping presents and sh*t I thought I would be my best to create some sort of yuletide message so that we’re all going along with the festive spirit. No wait, going along with it sounds as though we’re being held hostage by it, or that it’s some awful idea a semi-friend has come up with and you don’t want to tell them to f*ck off because you’re too nice so you go along with it to keep them happy and hold back how you really feel about them.
Ahem.
It would be best to say that 2008 has been a right pile of f*cktards all round, that it should be forgotten and left in a pile of newspapers for Ross Kemp to do a documentary on. Nonetheless it’s hard not to look forward to the presents, the endless supply of quality films, the presents, the food, the happy feaces, the cheer and merriment of people opening presents (and who said our generation was materialistic?). For now let us hold a shotgun in the general direction as we edge away from 2008 out the back door and I hope we all have a wonda-va Christmas!
Come and join the fun… and now our song is done.
December 24th, 2008
Wen I am olda I want to be one of the Thundercrats. The Thundercrats are reely reely good. I reely like that one called Lionel becos he is the leeder and has a big huge shiny sord. When Lionel looks in the sord he can see lots of fings. I also like Panfro who is gray and reely reely strong. Panfro is strong. He is not as good as Lionel. I do not like that one who is a tigar. All he does is whipp stuff. I do not like whipps. Sords are better. The rest of the Thundercrats are ok. That kitty one with the sniffles who neva shuts up and who always runs away and does not do anythin does not do anythin. He should do sumthin like grow into a big huge kitty like that one in Hee Mann. That way Lionel cud ride him like a pony. My sister wants a pony for cristmas. I want micro mashines and that sord that Lionel has. That is a good sord.
November 4th, 2008
Time for a communal poem. It’s dead easy. I will provide the start of this epic poem detailing epic events, and you write another verse for it to continue the story. It’s like Jackanory, but with rhyming and on a website.
Pie
Jurgen van Hoolen had pie on his head
He didn’t know why and it made him quite red
He woke up one morning and it was just there
Sticky and crusty and fixed to his hair
From that day to this he travelled the land
He rubbed it with solvent, he rubbed it with sand
Try as he might to shake off the pie
The pie would not budge and he let out a sigh
He went to a doctor, a witch and a priest
Who promised him cure with faith or with yeast
But no-one could fix it, not one of the men
Poor Jurgen gave up. But suddenly, then…
March 17th, 2008
So I had a dream last night and I went with Friya to visit Ian.
We were surprised when we got there, because he hadn’t mentioned to us that he actually lived in a big blue prison in New York. So Friya went shopping and I went back to his cell (it was obviously quite a slack prison because they let him out for long walks) and I looked through all his drawers.
Then we went out again and on the way back in there was a wheelbarrow full of corn on the cob sitting in the corridor. Ian didn’t want to steal one, because it’s generally frowned upon for prisoners to do that, but I really wanted one so I stuck it in my trousers and we went back to the room. But Ian didn’t know I’d done it. Then I thought it would get him into trouble, so I went up a spiral staircase to a different floor (it was a boys floor -Â every other one was a girls floor – but luckily the spiral staircase I went up missed a floor on the way) and casually dropped the corn cob on the floor.
When I got back to the cell, it was full of prison wardens, and one evil woman (who was English despite this being a New York jail) was telling us off for laughing too much and reminding Ian that it was a five-strikes and you’re out policy. She pointed above the door, where someone had painted (in elaborate lettering) “One and a half strikes”.
Then I woke up.
January 14th, 2008
Alright gimme a second to catch my breath.
*fake breathing noises*
Did you know that… never mind I’ll tell you later. Those damn Jam Pandas have taken over my myspace page :O they were a bit rowdy when I got them home but when I opened my bag out they whooshed and before you could say, “how on earth can fictional children’s characters come into the real world?” they had locked me up in a cupboard. By the time Audrey saved me (she was looking for the step ladder) they had changed my log in password and now I can’t get back in. They keep posting bulletins about the bloody time, I look a right numpty.
Hi Marshall. You have *sings* NO IDEA *ends singing* what I’m talking about and that’s probably for the best 🙂 it’s all faux shizzel.
November 13th, 2007
I went back up to Leeds and visited Kev and we made a very silly thing.
It’s Mr Smith!
Lookity lookity lookity look!
June 15th, 2007
Taken from the Metro yesterday:
“A PANDA is to get sex education classes at a Thai zoo. Chuang Chuang, a six-year-old male, will be shown ‘panda porn’ to try to get him to breed with Lin Hui. ‘They don’t know how to mate, so we need to show him how,’ a spokesman said.”
Priceless!
November 14th, 2006
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