What we have is a first-hand account of what has been described as literally the Face of Terror. This face however does have a few add-ons that most faces don’t have. Our eye witness for Newsboost, Professor R, had this to report:
“It had twenty hundred legs, all different coloues. The nose was actually two noses to make up one nose. The monster also had noses for eyes, four arms made of cars and a traffic light for a body. Don’t forget the tail made of jelly!”
Was it male or female, Professor R?
“It was just a monster, okay?”
You heard him. If you come across this abomination of nature please make sure to not only take pictures but to count the number of legs and noses to ensure we have an accurate description. You personal safety should not come into question. Do what we say.
October 28th, 2009
Ian
Having successfully re-introduced the word ‘loins’, the yo-yo and the finger waggle into the 21st century I am now on the lookout for further relics from the past to lighten up, brush over with some foundation and stick them in a public viewing box for 80p a pop.
Let’s get together a focus group and get some ideas brewing. Come on, chop chop!
October 27th, 2009
Ian
How appreciative are the elderley residents of the UK when they receive the traditional handouts during the Harvest Festival season? We were keen to find out. In order to do so we bugged senior citizen Arthur Bambo for thirteen hours when he went to the bathroom at York train station and these are the shocking results:
“What do we have here, right, lets start with the tins. There’s not even a label on that one, that’ll be interesting. Probably some weird meat or horrible shrunken vegetables in brine. Mmmm, lovely brine. I’d rather drink that than touch the veg. Okay, tin of carrots… five months out of date. Great. What the… cream of soup soup? Cream of what? Just soup? How can you… holy moley.”
Five minutes later.
“Wheat Bisks. Ha, that’s just Wheatbix but with a silly name. Such a rip off these days, why can’t they just come up with their own cereal instead of pawing off others? Wheat Bisks. What the hell is a bisk anyway? Probably just a spelling error. Oh oh here we go, now we’re into the quality items. Frozen ox feet, already dripping. Why didn’t anyone say there were frozen items at the bottom of the bag? I can’t eat these now, not that I would really want to if they were still frozen. That’s beside the point.”
Two minutes later.
“You have got to be kidding me. Stockings? Why… I bet they ran out of bags for men so they gave me a ladies one. Charming. Next I’ll find… yep, vanishing cream. Candles. Perfume? (pft… sniff sniff) that wouldn’t smell out of place in a cesspool… I best open a window… oh damn the key is in the other room… eugh, I… oh dear…”
The answer? Not very.
October 20th, 2009
Ian
Today has seen the majority of the world breathe a sigh of relief and engage in a round of applause after it has been proved without a doubt that you can’t always get what you want.
Philea Phonea, a sixteen year old Russian diplomat, attempted to buy a pencil sharpener from an elderley resident in his home town of Whipplelicious and failed dramatically. The incident was captured on film and Super 8 then broadcast from station to station like that bit in ‘Lord of the Rings: Return of The King’ where they light the torches for everyone to see. Superb.
Meanwhile on the Isles of Scilly just off the coast of Great Britain three obnoxious little children, ages 3 to 5, tried to make off with a box of sweets at their local sweet emporium only to be thwarted by Barbara Bopp, the current owner. She took back to the box of sweets and returned them to their equally useless parents by the tips of their ears. She had to enlist the help of Wilson Pickett, who was picking daisies in a field round the back, and then sang a few songs to lighten the mood.
Finally two Japanese tourists handed over ten billion pounds to Morris Jubjon to pay for a limited edition lifesize statue of God putting his feet up on the 7th day only to be told that it was going to be shot into space to help with global warming. No sale. Two very shocked and confused people. Can God help prevent the suns harmful rays?
Stories to warm the heart and cool the soul. That’s Newsboost.
October 19th, 2009
Ian
As it happens, and with December looming out of the woodwork, I really need to get my arse in gear with the Christmas Gangster Rap album. I’ve got some rhymes down here and there but at the moment it’s a page with some song titles dotted across:
Possible Song Titles
Pimp That Tree
Check Tha Cold / Check Tha Snow
Cold Piece of Coal, Peace To Tha Soul
Meal for Three: You, Her and Me
Brave Tha Sales
Shopping Like a Mother F*cker
Crackers and B*tches
Cook That Bird!
No Christmas for Me (I W*nked in my Stocking) – instrumental
It’s really, really, really hard being an inspirational music writer / producer / maestro you know.
October 13th, 2009
Ian
Did you see that quiche? That’s nothing compared to me mam’s quiche. (more…)
October 7th, 2009
Ian
Are you in? No, not you, the other one at the back. Yeah you… are yo… what? So that’s a… a no right, okay. (more…)
October 6th, 2009
Ian
Good Morning and thank you for staying with us after that particularly foisty advert break. (more…)
October 5th, 2009
Ian
It’s the discount pebble sale here at Marshall’s World of Pebbles! Come on down to our Discount Pebble Warehouse for some kerr-azy discounts on pebbles at prices you can’t afford to miss!
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Big white pebbles! Ideal for poncey minimalist flats where graphic designers and marketing executives live, with whitewashed floorboards and arty candles and that sort of shite. You might like to get an enormous jar of these pebbles and put it in a corner. Yeah, cos that’ll be individual. £12 a dozen. |
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Little brown pebbles! Super for sprinkling on cakes and other desserts. Or get a whole truck full of them and use them on your driveway, if you want to spend the rest of your life raking the damn things back into place again. Supposedly a good security measure but a shotgun is better and makes less noise. £42 per hundredweight. |
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One huge pebble with swirly bits! Lots of fun for the whole family can be had if your whole family are some sort of mentalists who take pleasure in looking at rocks like this one. If you are then you’ll probably appreciate being able to buy one off us at stupid prices instead of just picking up armloads of them for free at any beach. Just £150 a pop. |
So come on down for all your pebble bargains to Marshall’s World of Pebbles! Carcroft, Thorp Arch and Denby Dale. Offer must end Sunday.
October 4th, 2009
Chris
Right ladies and gentlemen here we have a lovely piece of meat. There is no two ways about it this is a fine specimen of pork. It came from one of Prince Underhand-Overwood’s very own swines which, as you are all aware, are widely regarded as the world’s best pigs.
Hand-reared, Sussex-bred, swill-fed and R’n’B-raised Snorkers as he came to be known loved John Lee Hooker, early Who singles and most Northern Soul. Rarely was he seen without his trademark sunglasses and picturesque ironic porkpie hat.
Who will start the bidding at ten pounds?
September 30th, 2009
Ian
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