Posts filed under 'Chris'
Scotland is very good at producing glum rock bands. At the very cheeriest end are bands like the Fratellis, who have a vague sheen* of upbeat cheeriness but actually have no real substance to them anyway. Nothing they say means anything. In the middle of the scale are bands like Del Amitri who have a superficial sing-along niceness but are ultimately quite maudlin and have something of a victim complex.
The other end of the scale – the very crowded end – is where the rest of the bands go. Idlewild and Ultravox and all that. Glasvegas are currently squatting at the darkest corner of that spectrum, frowning and grunting at passers-by.
Glasvegas are really a modern-day Ultravox: pompous, pretentious, deeply miserable and with a very acute sense of their own importance. Their “wall of sound” (for which read, “big noisy tuneless background that is the same in every song”) gives every tuneless wail the same relentlessly funereal atmosphere of annoyance.
The lead singer, with his bouffant hair (Morrissey circa 1989) and too-cool-for-this-shit attitude (Midge Ure circa all his life) makes him particularly ripe for binthood, and I recommend that he is the bintiest bint of this month, with other band members in a secondary bint status.
In short: Glasvegas = major net loss.
* Buff to sheen.
February 22nd, 2009
It’s the burning question of the day. I think we all want to know whether Kev is famous and, if so, how long has he been famous in secret? We should be told.
The secret got out yesterday when I saw this.
So, Mr Hill – what the hell are you doing with an hour-long show on E4?
January 24th, 2009
Today I need to buy a number of items. I will list these items here and tell you how I progress through the purchasing stage and whether I am unable to source any of these articles.
- A diary. This is required so that I can ensconce within it the dates and times on which working is necessitated by my employers and overlords, and also the dates and times on which I am due to socialise with other humans in a non-workplace context.
- A VGA cable. This handsome combination of wires, plastic sheaths and precision-moulded terminal plug fixtures will permit the connection of a laptop video output to a television video input channel, permitting the screening of internet videos on a TV screen that could justifiably be described as “mackin'”.
- A book. The book I select will be carefully chosen to permit the optimum enwritement of random tat and the endrawage of senseless doodlings. It is of great importance that it has nice clean white pages, unless I find another style of page which sweeps me up in its strong arms and causes me to take leave of my senses.
- Jeans. I don’t think I have any chance of getting these in my lunch break but I need some so I’m putting it in the list anyway. They are designed to keep my legs warm and out of sight in a range of social situations, from the workplace to home-bound slobbing.
This completes my list of items to purchase with funds in my bank account. Good day.
January 8th, 2009
So… we’ve got a whole 2009 to shake a stick at. Are we going to waste it? No. Are we going to sit at the side and watch it walk past, with a show of puppies and attractive ladies, throwing candy at street tramps? No, but that would be worth watching.
I say 2009 is when we burn back baby! I think we should undertake a project for the site. Any ideas?
January 5th, 2009
In my life I’ve done many pointless things, sometimes shamefully so. Among these you can include many of the videos we have made, the countless times I have completely dismantled the Lego ambulance Kev gave me and put it back together again, and the time I went to Tesco in my slippers.
This week I’ll be performing an exercise in pointlessness to put them all in the shade. I’m getting up at 5.30 on Friday morning and driving six hours north to Preston, where I will spend most of Friday and Saturday before coming home. Why? Because the Preston Bypass is turning 50 years old and I plan to be there.
It’s not going to notice if I miss the event because it’s a road, and in fact, it was completely rebuilt in 1995 so it’s not physically the same road any more either. But I will be there all the same and I’m sinking a rather alarming amount of money into the venture to travel there and back and stay over.
How pointless is your life? Share your pointless tales here, my friends, and weep with me.
December 2nd, 2008
There seems to be some confusion surrounding EEFY McJEEFY and how I am able to keep quoting his wise words. Well, here’s a short Q&A session to ease your pain.
Who is this EEFY McJEEFY?
He’s a former explorer, whose daughter is Nora, with a collection of gravels he found on his travels.
How is he so wise?
He spent many years taking words with his ears, and now others forage to access his knowledge.
Why are his words of wisdom appearing here?
He sits in my pocket, just six inches tall, and at night I put him in a box on the wall. When words I require of wisdom and truth, I give him a berry and he says words forsooth.
November 21st, 2008
Our erotic televisual masterpiece is now online for the enjoyment of you and everyone you have ever met.
You can feast your eyes, ears and pets on it here.
November 7th, 2008
Good Morning Gentlemen and welcome to the shareholders meeting for Mangapap Japcrap Inc. As you are aware things in the market are unstable and unpredictable but I believe with the backing of our investors, as well as our hard work, we will manage to establish ourselves accordingly.
Are there any questions?
November 6th, 2008
Where is everyone? It’s been dead as a very dead, inanimate deceased thing on here for ages now.
Let’s liven things up a bit! With a Pouring Beans disco! Yeah!
Please submit a full explanation of where you have been and why it has prevented you from contributing to the Beans.
September 23rd, 2008
I’m not in the mood for something big, brash and showy. I don’t want to be depressed – not at all – but I can’t face anything too brilliant right now. So I asked Google for something “quite nice”.
This is a beach that the photographer thought was “quite nice”.
This sheep is also “quite nice”.
They made me think of things in my life that are also quite nice, and having thought about it, my cheese grater is quite nice. It’s not in any way interesting or worth talking about, but it does the job adequately and causes me no complaints. Quite nice.
I hope this post has brought you a couple of things that are good, but not to the extent that they cause any undue excitement or interest. They are just quite nice.
September 4th, 2008
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