Archive for October, 2009
What we have is a first-hand account of what has been described as literally the Face of Terror. This face however does have a few add-ons that most faces don’t have. Our eye witness for Newsboost, Professor R, had this to report:
“It had twenty hundred legs, all different coloues. The nose was actually two noses to make up one nose. The monster also had noses for eyes, four arms made of cars and a traffic light for a body. Don’t forget the tail made of jelly!”
Was it male or female, Professor R?
“It was just a monster, okay?”
You heard him. If you come across this abomination of nature please make sure to not only take pictures but to count the number of legs and noses to ensure we have an accurate description. You personal safety should not come into question. Do what we say.
October 28th, 2009
Having successfully re-introduced the word ‘loins’, the yo-yo and the finger waggle into the 21st century I am now on the lookout for further relics from the past to lighten up, brush over with some foundation and stick them in a public viewing box for 80p a pop.
Let’s get together a focus group and get some ideas brewing. Come on, chop chop!
October 27th, 2009
How appreciative are the elderley residents of the UK when they receive the traditional handouts during the Harvest Festival season? We were keen to find out. In order to do so we bugged senior citizen Arthur Bambo for thirteen hours when he went to the bathroom at York train station and these are the shocking results:
“What do we have here, right, lets start with the tins. There’s not even a label on that one, that’ll be interesting. Probably some weird meat or horrible shrunken vegetables in brine. Mmmm, lovely brine. I’d rather drink that than touch the veg. Okay, tin of carrots… five months out of date. Great. What the… cream of soup soup? Cream of what? Just soup? How can you… holy moley.”
Five minutes later.
“Wheat Bisks. Ha, that’s just Wheatbix but with a silly name. Such a rip off these days, why can’t they just come up with their own cereal instead of pawing off others? Wheat Bisks. What the hell is a bisk anyway? Probably just a spelling error. Oh oh here we go, now we’re into the quality items. Frozen ox feet, already dripping. Why didn’t anyone say there were frozen items at the bottom of the bag? I can’t eat these now, not that I would really want to if they were still frozen. That’s beside the point.”
Two minutes later.
“You have got to be kidding me. Stockings? Why… I bet they ran out of bags for men so they gave me a ladies one. Charming. Next I’ll find… yep, vanishing cream. Candles. Perfume? (pft… sniff sniff) that wouldn’t smell out of place in a cesspool… I best open a window… oh damn the key is in the other room… eugh, I… oh dear…”
The answer? Not very.
October 20th, 2009
Today has seen the majority of the world breathe a sigh of relief and engage in a round of applause after it has been proved without a doubt that you can’t always get what you want.
Philea Phonea, a sixteen year old Russian diplomat, attempted to buy a pencil sharpener from an elderley resident in his home town of Whipplelicious and failed dramatically. The incident was captured on film and Super 8 then broadcast from station to station like that bit in ‘Lord of the Rings: Return of The King’ where they light the torches for everyone to see. Superb.
Meanwhile on the Isles of Scilly just off the coast of Great Britain three obnoxious little children, ages 3 to 5, tried to make off with a box of sweets at their local sweet emporium only to be thwarted by Barbara Bopp, the current owner. She took back to the box of sweets and returned them to their equally useless parents by the tips of their ears. She had to enlist the help of Wilson Pickett, who was picking daisies in a field round the back, and then sang a few songs to lighten the mood.
Finally two Japanese tourists handed over ten billion pounds to Morris Jubjon to pay for a limited edition lifesize statue of God putting his feet up on the 7th day only to be told that it was going to be shot into space to help with global warming. No sale. Two very shocked and confused people. Can God help prevent the suns harmful rays?
Stories to warm the heart and cool the soul. That’s Newsboost.
October 19th, 2009
As it happens, and with December looming out of the woodwork, I really need to get my arse in gear with the Christmas Gangster Rap album. I’ve got some rhymes down here and there but at the moment it’s a page with some song titles dotted across:
Possible Song Titles
Pimp That Tree
Check Tha Cold / Check Tha Snow
Cold Piece of Coal, Peace To Tha Soul
Meal for Three: You, Her and Me
Brave Tha Sales
Shopping Like a Mother F*cker
Crackers and B*tches
Cook That Bird!
No Christmas for Me (I W*nked in my Stocking) – instrumental
It’s really, really, really hard being an inspirational music writer / producer / maestro you know.
October 13th, 2009
Did you see that quiche? That’s nothing compared to me mam’s quiche.
Following on from the successful ‘Wacky Watch’ series from last week we have received an exclusive import from SD Productions… The Wheel of Thrusting:
This patented and remarkable piece of equipment was developed by one of the Home Beans’ own inventors and fellow contributors. It is as simple like all the great designs. All you have to do is ask it a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question then the arrow will point towards one of the two answers; if it points towards ‘Thrusting to Mariah Carey = Yes’ then the answer is ‘yes’ and if it points towards ‘Thrusting to Bing Crosby = No’ then the answer is ‘no’. That is all.
If you are indecisive and need help with your daily life you cannot do without this. It will literally save you seconds off your time and give you nice images in your head all day. The size of a pocket watch for less than a one hundred smackers. It also happens to be waterproof and each one is hand-signed and authenticated by either Russell Grant or Toya Wilcox.
Buy now! Yes, buy now!
(Please note: look and appearance of item may differ from the item shown here, please allow 28 days for delivery, please tell all your friends. Part of the ‘This Is A Good Invention’ Series).
October 7th, 2009
Are you in? No, not you, the other one at the back. Yeah you… are yo… what? So that’s a… a no right, okay.
Episode 18 – Noose Lips Chop Chips
Hanging from the nose of the president Vixen uses the last of her strength to pull herself back up on top of Mount Rushmore. The eternal monument has a red haze; a lot of blood has been spilled and all in the name of death!
Still, with Sir Chester Lester finally behind bars it appears as though the greatest enemy of the city has finally been vanquished, or has it? Has he? Will they now?
Vixen attends a celebration in her honour only to have ti crashed by a very attractive and familiar-looking woman. Before she can change into her now slightly more alluring costume guest speaker Angela Lansbury has been captured. The streets are filled with screaming people. Bobby Paul needs to take his shirt back to Next and get a refund. Such a tall order. Vixen follows the trail left by her new nemesis to a crocodile-infested swamp. Luckily though theur gnashers are nothing compared to our heroine’s personalised style of judo karate kendo martial arts, taught to her secretly at the age of three. She was still on rusks then.
In a cafe in the middle of the swamp Angela Lansbury hangs in a cage next to the specials menu above a pit of seedy vultures, desperate for attention. The queue at the cashier hasn’t moved for the last five minutes as a minor searches through his pockets for enough change to buy a custard cream. The evil capturer is revealed: but… it’s Vixen! How can this be? Oh no no, the capturer may look like her but she’s no Vixen. This is Crazy Gazey, Vixen’s identical half-sister who could also be her cousin only nobody went that far with the family tree. A titanic battle ensures however it ends with the inevitable yet satisfying conclusion with Angela Lansbury safe in the arms of a 2.99 coffee and donut lunchtime deal. But what of Crazy Gazey? She escapes and comes back in the, ah ah, that would be telling.
October 6th, 2009
Good Morning and thank you for staying with us after that particularly foisty advert break.
To further thank you for your allegiance we, the Home Beans Shopping Network, would like to present this one in a lifetime offer to you, the viewers, as in you, not me, the T 4500 Deluxe:
This is for today’s modern parent. Not only does it have unstealable nickel chrome wheels but also lush 50 / 50 wool and velour interiors for that smoother ride. Your baby will have no quarms with entering and riding around this babe magnet. Furthermore after thorough tests it has been confirmed that it can achieve speeds up to 20 mph; that’s 7mph faster than the leading competator.
And that’s not all. This wouldn’t be the 21st century without some pointless mechanical alterations. The T 4500 Deluxe can be controlled remotely with a remote control. What good would that do I hear you ask? Coupled with the fact that it also has its very own camera on the top of the bonnet you can do all your parenting right from your sofa such as:
- Taking baby to the park.
- Visiting friends and family.
- Picking up tabs and cider from the shop down the road.
All these and more can be yours for the taking. This is not available in any shops, at least none that you’d think twice about going in. How much would you pay for this marvel? Two hundred? One fifty? You can if you want to as we are willing to accept higher offers BUT NO. You can buy this sweetened honey for the low low price of one hundred fifteen as well as four weeks of milk vouchers. Yes. We take milk. We’ll take your milk. Oh!
Order now to avoid disappointment!
October 5th, 2009
It’s the discount pebble sale here at Marshall’s World of Pebbles! Come on down to our Discount Pebble Warehouse for some kerr-azy discounts on pebbles at prices you can’t afford to miss!
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Big white pebbles! Ideal for poncey minimalist flats where graphic designers and marketing executives live, with whitewashed floorboards and arty candles and that sort of shite. You might like to get an enormous jar of these pebbles and put it in a corner. Yeah, cos that’ll be individual. £12 a dozen. |
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Little brown pebbles! Super for sprinkling on cakes and other desserts. Or get a whole truck full of them and use them on your driveway, if you want to spend the rest of your life raking the damn things back into place again. Supposedly a good security measure but a shotgun is better and makes less noise. £42 per hundredweight. |
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One huge pebble with swirly bits! Lots of fun for the whole family can be had if your whole family are some sort of mentalists who take pleasure in looking at rocks like this one. If you are then you’ll probably appreciate being able to buy one off us at stupid prices instead of just picking up armloads of them for free at any beach. Just £150 a pop. |
So come on down for all your pebble bargains to Marshall’s World of Pebbles! Carcroft, Thorp Arch and Denby Dale. Offer must end Sunday.
October 4th, 2009