Posts filed under 'Noos Flash'
Now then. I’ve added a clever deeley called Google analytics to our wee site, that tells us, not only, how many people have looked at our site, but also where they are in the world, and if they used a search engine to find us, what they searched for.
Its been on here since last wednesday and below are the things people have searched for and ended up on our glorious page:
1. nigella lawson nipples
2. clever advertising
3. christa ackroyd
4. christmas tree dalek
5. cockall
6. custard beans
7. funny bedtime stories
8. how to spatch cock a chicken
9. jack pinata
10. jam pandas
11. lynda bellingham boobs
12. nigella cook nipples
13. olden day daleks
14. rotissomat
15. stray home bedtime story
16. what does bint mean
July 22nd, 2008
A man has cut off his head in protest at the costs of haircuts at his local barbers today.
Jimmy Bumble, a resident of the village Whickersham in Leicestershire, took a pair of pinking shears and sliced through his neck to leave him without a head. This comes after recent news that saw the price of a simple trim rise to the astonishing fee of £6.07.
“You can’t let things like this lie,” said Mr Bumble, 89, speaking from underneath his own armpit. “If they think that is a reasonable sum just to spend five minutes removing growing hairs from my pimply noggin, well, let them. I’d sooner cut my own head off than… oh wait.”
The village of Whickersham has received a fair amount of bad publicity recently after several accounts of granny napping and bovine juggling were reported by worried residents. People have blamed this on the tanker of glycol fog that tipped over last year, poisoning the water supply and causing general havoc.
The barbers shop in question do not wish to be named and have refused to comment on Mr Bumble’s actions, although they did offer to trim the whole crew for twenty quid.
Mac Mackford – June 2008
June 30th, 2008
Yes ladies and gentlemen, we are back. Once again we have risen like the mighty pheonix from the burning heap of our twice hacked server.
I have restored hastily made backups of databases, trawled directories of php files looking for imposters and .htaccess files, and now, finally, we are up and pouring like the proverbial beans once more.
PS. All fucking dirty scum lowlife bastard fucking dog licking hackers, should be made to run naked through brixton with a sign saying “I hate all of you please shoot at me” with a pineapple up their arse, that’d teach em.
March 9th, 2008
I appear to have found the problem which has led to us being suspended several times by our wonderfully helpful host www.namehog.net
It turns out some scumbag calling himself “Noble” had loaded a php script onto our server and was using it to send 40,000 SPAM emails a day, which ultimately got namehog’s web server dns blacklisted. Not fun for them! If I ever met one of these sad little nerds who sends all this spam or writes crappy little viruses which achieve little more than pissing off IT admins, I’d like to skin them alive and dunk them in a vat of lemon juice, that’d stop the little bastards!
Ahem, rant over…
October 16th, 2007
Look at that below me, right. Look at that sh*t. I don’t care if someone was in a band man I’m in one right now. Yeah. I’m living in the dream. I’m counting the pennies. I’m swirling the hips in the knee-high boots on Shakespeare’s grave. Yeah.
None of us can play instruments and since Paul left Dickinson Dees to join a rival firm in Sunderland is has kind of crippled the whole band ethic and the closeness but we’re still together and still knocking out the tunes like they were sarnies on a Sunday. Here’s a little ditty we’ve been scooping up. This is Snowy Cakes by The Festive Do-ers:
Snowy Cakes – Festive Do-ers
I pieced together snowy cakes from snow that hit my drive
I threw the snowball at my dad, it’s great to be alive!
He didn’t take it badly but he didn’t take it well
He told me I had sinned and I was going straight to hell
I worried all that winter, I never took a rest
In fact I always had to sleep with a knife upon my chest
In case Satan decided to come and get me early
After three long months of sleepless nights dad handed me a curly wurly
It was all a bunch of horrid lies, I was as good as gold
Those eight young years of good behaviour was sufficient, so I was told
To keep my away from fiery gates and the jaws of Mr. Death
It’s a shame I’m such a b*stard now and there is no time left
Going down, going down
Yes I swear I’m going down
Going down, going down
Pretty sure I’m going down.
August 6th, 2007
Turns out that the Chuckster – that’s David “I hate people” Chuckos – has put his musical skills to good use.
Yes, the man who spent his first student loan instalment on a keyboard without actually knowing how to play it…
…was in a band!Â
The very thought of it makes my loins weep.
August 1st, 2007
Hello. Bit of an announcement, I have now completed moving house. To one which I own (with sarah). Woo Hoo!
Continue Reading May 21st, 2007
From the London Lite, 31 March 2007:
Tooting man is Hindu goddess
An unemployed man from Tooting has found work as an Indian goddess, attempting to cure thousands of Hindus of infertility. Steve Cooper has been treated as a deity for three months after leaving his flat to live in India. The cross-dresser calls himself Pamela, but is known to his worshippers as Prema, Hindi for divine love.
How I wish there was more to this story.
March 31st, 2007
Hello. I am nowhere.
The first three weeks of my new job are being spent at a residential training boot camp where the BBC likes to send people who don’t yet know how to do their jobs.
On weekends I am FREE but during the week I am CAPTIVE.
They are keeping me here and feeding me stodgy food.
Please send help.
January 12th, 2007
Sorry to have to tell you all that I have died. It happened last saturday and was very sudden. I was attacked by a cougar whilst in Edinburgh Zoo. You wont see any reports of it in the press as we settled out of court for a tidy sum. Whenever you address me from now on it should be as Kevin Hill (deceased).
Thank you for you co-operation.
P.S. What the hell is going on with the images on this site??? I SHALL investigate!
December 8th, 2006
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